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At the end of the day.
He’s the one making the money. He’s the one supporting you He’s the one that gets to make the call on how to spend his money.
I’ve heard ‘I’ll definitely pay you back’ so many times and guess what. They never do. Your sister is an adult and needs to take responsibility for her actions.
Once again. If you want to decide to give money to people then you need to go to work and make the money
Put it this way: if a mugger demands your wallet, and you hand it over out of fear that they'll hurt you if you don't, that doesn't make it not theft. It does not mean it was a gift or a loan, it was still theft. Just because you gave it to them in that moment does not mean you did so by choice.
If you are forced into something under duress, then it is not consensual. If the answer to why you had sex does not include “because it's what I wanted” in there anywhere, then it was not consensual.
You were raped.
Do it AND LEAVE. I would never forgive someone who believed I’d cheated based just on the kid’s appearance. It blows my mind how guys can think that way. Your bf is treating you AND YOUR SON like crap. Prove he’s an idiot, walk away, go for sole custody and full child support.
My sister in Christ what
You're sweet for being willing to help the kids out with supplies.
But yeah, you're right -shes not being reasonable. If you guys split finances then she's free to send her own disposable income, but it's not right to expect you to do the same. I do worry what happens if you guys do ever combine finances though. Money is a big factor in breakups and divorces. Sort this shit out now before wasting any more time in the relationship.
For me, I would not appreciate sharing a household with someone that effectively “wastes “so much money every month for people that do not help themselves. That's money not in a retirement fund, not providing for ones children, etcetcetc. It's okay if it's important to her to continue sending money. It's her money. But she can't do that and then make demands on how you spend yours.
Good luck OP!
What you did wasn’t your best possible choice, but I put a lot more responsibility on the married man two decades older than you. You are only responsible for your behavior. You’re going to stop contacting him, you’re going to remove yourself from the conversation if he tries to contact you. I do think you should move, and I definitely don’t think he should be told where you moved to. IT’s unfortunately common that a man who blew his own life up is going to misdirect his anger.
I'm sorry but what is the problem here other than you have a problem. He seems to be enjoying himself.
Get some help in what sense?
Maybe see if you have some kind of sex addiction? I don't know. If you can get your head in the right place here then maybe that's not necessary, but be warned that in a long term relationship, there will be other times where you go a while without sex…
Hahah I’ve actually lived in 2 other apartments before this. The key thing is a good idea… I’ll ask them. And I do regularly ignore his texts but he will just wait. I don’t think he realises how much of an inconvenience it is/maybe he just doesn’t care.
Girl, RUN
Yeah, people have no idea what they are talking about. I have seen people be straight up punched in the face by someone with too low blood sugar, and then the patient didn't even really remember it afterwards and was very embarrassed. Low blood sugar can be DEADLY, ofc it's going to affect both physical and mental bodily functions?
Yeah that’s a tough situation. I’d suggest trying your best to build a bridge and get the fuck over it. If you like her and you have chemistry and can see a future with her to try and make it work. Life is hot finding a good quality partner is harder, and it only gets worse as you get older.
In general men prefer women who are more selective and discerning when it comes sleeping with someone. We like to feel that we are special in some way and that being allowed access to a woman’s sexuality is a lot like being allowed to join a special and exclusive club or something. The more people who are allowed to join the less special it is. And at a base level women seem to know this too.
The problem is there’s mixed messages growing up especially in our culture. Women are told not to be promiscuous and to have self control, make good choices and all that by one side but they are told they can have everything they want by the other. Human nature being what it is, if you are convicted that you can have everything you want and that anyone who tells you differently is bad/flawed/evil/insecure/trying to control you, wouldn’t you try to have everything too? I would, and I think most would too, especially when young and idealistic.
Try your best not to let the lies of the world that she believes(ed) poison a good thing. You’ve made bad choices, she has and will too. Talk with her help her grow, allow her to help you grow. Only if she refuses to accept reality do you let it/her go. She doesn’t have to apologize about it, it’s r be sorry about it, she wasn’t acting maliciously, she didn’t try to hurt anyone, she likely didn’t think this consequence was real. As long as you can get her to understand your feelings about it, you’re good to go. But if she refuses to accept this is generally how a lot of men feel, or if she vilifies you or men in general as insecure or whatever nonsense, then your values simply don’t match and it’s not going to work.
I mean, if they dont like you than they don't like you, it's obviously not based on your personality, so unless you can change what they don't like (gender, race, name, etc etc) they will continue to dislike you.
So you can either A.) Accept they'll never like you, keep dating her and just hope you two make it through her douche family(hard, but doable)
Or B.) Break up.
Not much else to it, imo.
Your girlfriend needs to mind her business
Nah. Its crazy. To think you and i might be bored or need to kill time to we open IG Tiktok or Reddit. Your boyfriend opens PornHub not to masturbate. Thats not normal.
Your so new in this relationship and its a huge lifelong issue. If its as bad on your mental health think about it if you marry or have kids.
If he's the high earner of the relationship and he says you can't afford to buy a house then he's probably right. Your choices are to make more money, be okay with renting forever, or move to a cheaper cost of living area (Atlanta, Texas, midwest) and buy something there.
It might be interesting to see what she has to say. Still, I would never get back with her.
i know i know, i previously thought we had some very good sex, in the last 9 months it has been improving constantly, and she O's a lot. This bathroom experience just must have been incredibly charged
There is always a way to get out of a lease. You may have to pay a penalty, but you can split it. Maybe you can sell some furniture, a TV, etc to help cover it. It sounds like you need to accept that this breakup is happening, and find a way to get out.
She sounds exhaustingly difficult.
Just let her be. She seems to think she has everything under control without your help so let her prove that's true. Only help if she asks and see how things turn out. Maybe she does have things under control and can handle it. Won't find out until you let her.
I understand your concern, but this really isn’t your business. And I fear that if you keep going with us, he’s not really gonna choose you over her. I’ve seen guys do this when they weren’t very kind to somebody’s way to make up to them or maybe like in this case when they’re sick. But really, this is his journey with you if you guys are getting ready to get married or live! together, buy a house that’s another issue but until then, it is not your business.
Well, your ex husband obviously has no say in the matter. That said I do wonder if this is a good idea, but then again, life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.
If you want to have this baby, and you are prepared to raise it by yourself, no matter what your ONS promises you now. If you are able to raise this child alone… then why not?
You're right. What I want is for men to stop generalizing about 50% of the population.
You called him a disgusting man child over some pee? Really?
Grow up.
I'll try telling him how I feel when he gets home, but I doubt he would want to talk to me… I'll update this.
I don’t have time to wait. I need him and can’t risk losing him
You have to ask yourself what would have made you snap out of it at 20, 22 etc. probably nothing. People change when they want to – often once they’ve hit rock bottom, whatever form that takes.
As we grow up we sometimes move on, we outgrow or grow apart from our friends. This happens a lot from 18-25 and then 25-30. Different ages means different stages of life and not everyone transitions. It’s not your fault.
Having someone do diddly squat and try to coach you would be annoying af.
Congratulations on moving on with your life – it’s not easy. Especially not when you feel you are a bit “behind”. In 5 years time you will be in an unrecognisable place and things will only get better for you. But you can’t help people who don’t want to be helped.
13 and 16
I need him to take me to the termination and get me home. I have zero support in the area. I will do so after that. In my mind I’ll terminate both.
If that’s the case then she is 100% the wrong party. But she did say he never got into it, so I take that as there was no real conversation on it.
Yeah, so that’s what’s commonly called transphobia. Trans woman are woman, not men. He didn’t have sex with a man anymore than every man who has every been circumcised is suddenly not.
OP I hope you see these conversations and realizes that THIS is the BS your GF is dealing with at minimum.
Studies show that texting triggers the same part of the brain as face to face contact.
And Studies show it creates a false sense of familiarity. It has led people that have never met to believe they are in love.
“This one time at a party he kept flirting with other girls even though I was present.”
Ah, the popular guy. The extroverted life of the party. Flirt with a dozen girls, wake up next to one. Imagine dating him where at the party he goes to get a couple drinks, humps a dancing girl, kisses a girl on the cheek, grabs 2 drinks, slams one back, grabs 2 more, passes one to that hot chick and makes it back to you, handing you your drink. He sure is a popular guy. Now imagine needing to study one night, but he goes to a party anyway. You find him the next day coming out of a room 4 doors down.
Or, there is option B, a guy who's thinking to himself, “She's REALLY still holding me?! Don't mess anything up. My arms cramped, but if I move she might let go. No. She can hold me until I collapse from exhaustion.” I bet at the party he'd drag you to the drinks so you wouldn't need to let go.
She is abusing you in all possible forms. You need to contact a lawyer.
Thank you a lot. I'm not against the idea of having sex with her, I just was worried of taking it too fast, or doing something wrong, but I'm now seeing I may be over thinking all of this. I'm going to talk with her.
Scorched Earth buddy. This friend had a hand in your pain and suffering. Return the favor tenfold. No mercy, it will go a long way to making you feel better.
You have a warped way of thinking. You could have over years talked about your issues with her and worked through them. You never did and you cheated. And you want her to forgive you, maybe in your dreams.
I am glad you girlfriend left. I hope she heals over your betrayal of her and goes and lives a beautiful life with a great man that treats her like a queen.
Better get back on Tinder, that’s your only chance now.
She can STAY MAD that’s just unhealthy to make it all about HER when she’s the reason y’all could’ve been hurt or worse…/?hate to see her in her own situation without YOU
People who rage in situations like that can get you seriously hurt with their idiocy. Even if it's a situation without a gun.
Like you guys could be driving somewhere and you get bumped and she gets out screaming and suddenly the driver who hit you is up in your face. That actual situation gets posted here pretty normally, about pointlessly heightened road rage type incidents.
So unlike what other people have said, I don't think you could even just keep her out of certain neighborhoods and avoid it that way.
Stop thinking about me !
I just thought it may be a possible reason for why he didn't want her to go
he is so insistent that she doesn't.
It ain't normal AT ALL for a SO to tag along, that's cringe
stop dating men with porn addictions challenge
This is not a request to open the relationship. She is asking to fuck a specific guy.
Now act accordingly
He asked a few times, but I was over at her house, then decides to say shes gonna go over the second I leave out of town, I agree I think I am overblowing this and being insecure, but few weeks ago, asked if she wanted to go out with me, she said she was busy at work, then posted a snap at a frat party. Thank you for the help
Thanks lucky derp for the advices given to me. I just hope that time will prevails everything underneath the carpet.
Let him sort his own problems out
That would be a very mellow manic…? Once the breaks go, it often goes way harder. Plus lack of sleep etc becomes more obvious to a spouse.
One of these days, he’s going to do exactly what he threatened. Please leave while you still have your life to leave with
This man doesn't love you.
You can break up for any reason you want but it’s not unreasonable to wait to tell someone a child exists. There are really creepy people in the world. I don’t think this is dishonesty. If you don’t want to date a parent that’s your right but she gets to share info about her life when she’s comfortable sharing.
He’s done this plenty of times. You must refuse until confirming he’s tested.
If this is a new relationship it’s more likely all the porn. If you spend a lot of time together I’m sure that’ll go down over time on its own.
sometimes i hate this app.
It is better to feel guilty that to be dead.
And you would end up dead if you stayed with him. Just look at the murder statistics involving strangling.
Why did you withdraw your statement? By doing it you put yourself and other women in danger.
Y'all have had major issues before with incompatibility. Just leave already.
Also, why go through and delete your previous post history and comments? Are you that hell bent on bait posting? It's a pretty shitty thing to do to bait judaism and circumcision for karma, of all things, also.
why would you allow yourself to be subjected to someone as disgusting as this?
3 years is a long time to still be talking about an ex that frequently. Sounds like your fiancé still has resentment and hasn’t fully processed it. He definitely needs some counseling.
It won't end well even if you did all those things for her but let me ask you, despite not having a car have you taken her on dates like she asked?
/r/confidentlyincorrect
It seems fake. The timeline is possible but seems like ragebait. Not sure why people wouldn't tell someone in this situation to abort, cheating or not.
The advice is to stay away from people who treat you like this.
Surely this is not the first time in three years she has behaved in ways that demean and disrespect you; people don’t go from perfectly normal reasonable adults to spitting hooligans all of a sudden.
So, chances are you’ve been tolerating some version of this behavior for a while now. What advice can anyone give you other than to walk away?
When people treat you like garbage, you don’t stick around because maybe just maybe they won’t treat you like garbage one day.
I think you should start looking for your own place. That will let her know you're serious.
Well, you ask why you would go through a pregnancy for a random man and pass the kid off as your boyfriend’s but, quite frankly, there are a lot of women in the world who would do that and have. You personally wouldn’t, good. But you can’t really ask why someone would do that when they so frequently do.
Your boyfriend obviously has trust issues. If you shouldn’t marry someone you can’t trust, then your boyfriend probably shouldn’t marry anyone because I doubt he’s capable of trusting anybody. Maybe therapy will help him, maybe it won’t. Maybe he doesn’t want to try. That part is on him.
You have to decide whether you want to marry someone who isn’t able to take your word for things and who you’ll constantly have to prove it to. If that’s too much work for you, you should probably find someone else.
What difference does it make if they make more. Split everything evenly and get over yourself
Nice creative writing piece
Look I come from a group of friends that love to tease the fuck out of each other and play apps jokes and this, this even goes beyond what we would do to each other. I wouldn't wait to decide about the boyfriend I would take the opportunity of him not being there to get my stuff out of the apartment and never look back.
He is a child and this is just the beginning. Who knows what else he lies about. Leave him. Your breasts are beautiful and so are you. You deserve better, someone who will adore you and every part of you and not have unrealistic fantasies they got from growing up on porn. He's immature and a liar. He doesn't deserve your attention or love or time.
Your partner is 10 years older than you and up until 4 years ago (you said you started dating 3 years ago) she'd have been a pedo for dating you.
Don't take advice from someone like that.
It is time for you to put your foot down and go no contact with his dad.
His mom can visit, but his dad is banned from your house. If he ever wants to see his grandchild, your husband can take your kid there, but from now on, he gets no access to you because he has proven that he doesn't respect you and you are feeling unsafe and terrorized in your own home.
If he complains, tell him this is a social consequence of his own behaviour and that he knew he was making you uncomfortable for years. They all knew. They are all going to complain, most likely he will deploy flying monkeys, but you just keep stating the boundary that they knew and did nothing.
What's your view on same sex female marriage and raising children in that environment?
Then I don't think he necessarily wants either of those like you do. If you truly view marriage as a goal, then he should make clear whether or not he thinks the same. If he's content with living the way y'all are, that's fine too but then you two aren't compatible.
I genuinely hate it when people are so closed off about their future plans.. Essentially it shows whether or not people match in that sense.
Perhaps you could mention it again and then say that since he's pushing the conversation away, that you mention no marriage is a deal breaker but kids can be discussed?
Maybe that opens the conversation up more without him feeling like he's expected to do something?
He’s using you and you’re letting him. Is he willing to reciprocate EVERY time you do it? Highly doubtful but does he? You’ve been asked a few times and not answered. NO ONE should be guilted or coerced into doing a sexual act. That’s just disgusting behaviour. It is not normal and you need to decide what you’re doing to do with all these responses, as they are all very similar. Are you going to continue being used as basically a sex you, or do something about it?
I feel like she is very manipulative. I will tell her about some stress and then she will say . That babe take it easy and all.. and then very later she will text me like.. did I got her that bag .. like wtf
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
My partner of one year tells me I am not caring for him enough.
The ways he wants me to care for him are mostly “traditional” like cooking, cleaning, but also partially financial by helping with groceries, for example. He is unemployed but formerly cash-rich for a period of time (before we met). He is absolutely broke now and owes me money. We do not live! together. He says he has ADHD, depression, and recently I discovered some technology related addiction. He doesn’t have any money to pay for therapy and is essentially struggling to meet his basic needs at this point but the mental health symptoms seem to preclude him from taking steps to help himself. Vicious circle.
He says that he needs my softer support and encouragement to get out of this and back to himself. He would like me to “hold his hand through it”, and to be by his side taking some of the load off him.
However, I have been resentful and frustrated for a variety of reasons I won’t mention here. I want him to understand my actions/energy/feelings are a direct reflection of his behaviour. I am often trying to get him to understand my point or to get him to help himself…but I am not caretaking in the right way apparently.
He has asked for something interesting: 28 days of unconditional support. It’s not a contract per se but terms discussed include: – [ ] -seeing each other 2-3 times a week – [ ] -I should be more fun/positive – [ ] -make the plans for us if going out – [ ] -encourage him to tidy up or achieve a goal – [ ] -take the lead on cooking meals – [ ] -initiate affection/sex – [ ] -be softer/gentler in my mood/energy – [ ] -demonstrate my admiration/respect – [ ] -not accuse/bring up the past that starts fights
In theory this is also the kind of relationship I want but how do we determine if this is codependent caretaking OR something that makes a relationship better and deserves effort?
Shy after 2 years together?
So basically he wants a mother who he can have sex with while she takes care of him? RUN GIRL
Maybe I’m missing something here, but how is the institution of marriage connected to home buying?
Did you text him back and ask him to come back to the room this morning? Ask him to come to the room last night?
You have to use your words and ask for what you want.
I can appreciate your frustration especially since you two don’t get much private time together. But I can also appreciate that if he’s at a casino, he wants to gamble not sleep.
I tend to want to get up early and get out and see/do stuff when I’m on holiday but if my partner wanted me to wake them up I would. They’d just have to let me know because I think I’m being nice letting them sleep in undisturbed.
INFO: What exactly don't you agree with your friend about? That women have different reasons for waiting? That sex is not a prize we hand out? I'm honestly confused what you think she could be wrong about.
Yeah try to avoid his suspicions for now, I hope you and Ava (and her family) will get out of this safely. If you can, try to gather proof that it's your husband that's stalking her. Be safe.
Awe thank you!!!!
He sees his friends 4-5x a week, and you see yours once a month? Does that seem right to you?
Oh lol. 14 weeks.
This is an offense to me and my diagnosed, but not medicated, ADHD self.
I'm no slob, nor do I force my wife to ever clean up after me.
another part of me thinks it's a cop out.
It 100% is a cop out, and if it isn't, then she needs to go get that figured out. Yesterday.
Sorry, OP, you shouldn't have to live! like this.
fuck (24m)
The kid is 23… He's going to have sex. Do you expect him to be celibate until marriage?
Eh doesn’t sound malicious. If the texts were flowing fast it’s totally possible she just missed it. Definitely reach out to her again soon with plans made for a second date. With everything you said about how the first date went and how she acted, sounds like she really wants you to ask her out again.
I told my high school ex she shouldn’t leave me for a dude in his 40s, but she did because he was “mature” (no shit he’s 20 years older than us) and he had a lot of money (no shit he’s been in the work force for 20 more years than me) now I’m in my late 20s and make a lot more than he does, like everything she wanted , I could have given her, it would just take time. I told this to her during our last conversation and laughed at her. She recently divorced him and sent me a message essentially telling me that I was right. I liked that shit.
He should go back and re-up his meds.
Good when on meds / not good when not on meds.
This seems like a self-evident solution that he should at least try.
Damn it man you made it worse on me? but you are right
Updateme!
For what it's worth. I think they're both lying. I think he's exaggerating what happened and she's downplaying it.
I too am from a messed up childhood, and have severe attachment issues. There’s no magic period where you feel 100% confirmation that you’re healthy enough to protect yourself from abusers, or that you won’t accidentally abuse others. Progress isn’t really linear. You will have good years we’re you will feel like you understand yourself more, and things (including relationships) in your life will flourish.
That won’t last forever though, but it rarely does for anyone, even those with happy childhoods. You get better at bouncing back from the bad times though, and you notice that you want to turn towards someone more than you want to run away. You will realize that it’s more important to you that you focus on meeting that person’s needs, even when you’re struggling; because you’ll start to realize that by doing that, you’re giving them the opportunity to succeed in focusing on and meeting yours. You have to get to a point where you’re ok withstanding the anxiety of possible rejection when you allow yourself to show vulnerability. If you can’t get to that point, to the point of being ok with the knowledge that yeah you’ll be hurt, but you have the tools to manage that appropriately… then you won’t have a successful relationship. Relationships only work by sharing our true selves, and that requires vulnerability.
Sorry for the novel, I just wish that someone would have explained this to younger me. It’s taken a 12 year marriage with 4 kids almost failing, and years of therapy/medication, to understand and accept this. I hope to shorten that journey for my fellow members of the fucked up childhood club lol.
What do you DO? The entire relationship is based on lies. Either end it and move on, or take him back and understand that he will almost certainly cheat on you again. He literally could not even go ONE DAY in the relationship without cheating. Why would you want to keep that dumpster fire?
You need to be proactive in how your life, and your children's lives, progress from this point forward.
You want to be married. It is completely reasonable to want the legal protections marriage provide.
It is completely irrational that you've relinquished all control and decision-making to your partner. It is borderline crazy that after being together seven years, living together for three years, and birthing two children, you are still sitting around, passively waiting on him to create a Hallmark-movie moment, and feeling all sad that he's not motivated to fulfill your romantic notions.
He's not doing anything because you've given him permission to do nothing.
It was time to withdraw that permission several years ago.
Look. Get off Reddit and go to your county or state website that tells you what is required for a marriage license. Fill out the documents. Get your birth certificate and whatever else you need. Get a calendar. Tell your partner you and he need to choose a date to go to the courthouse and get a marriage license.
Do NOT allow him to say he wants to propose, he wants it to be a surprise, he's not ready, or any other delaying tactic. No. He's had years to do all of that, and he chose not to.
Getting married is one of the most important decisions you will make in your entire lifetime.
Do NOT give control over when it will occur to your partner.
Op u are in denial.
Now i see why, he is dating someone so young… cause ur still catching up intellectually.
you will eventually learn.
Best comment!
I dunno. I’m of two minds on this.
1) I kind of agree with him. It’s frustrating to me (44F) when people are uninformed and disengaged regarding current events. Sticking your head in the sand doesn’t fix anything. And being able to discuss current events in an intelligent way with a partner is important to me. Not just for the engagement but because I value intelligent conversation and well educated people.
However…
2) My partner gets up before me and sometimes I walk out to the kitchen and he starts hitting me with “did you hear about X?” Then telling me about the latest shooting and I haven’t had coffee. My brain just isn’t ready. So I understand how maybe you just can’t with all that. What works for me is to tell my partner “babe, I’m not in the right headspace for this right now.”
If he won’t respect your request and stop then he’s being disrespectful. Full stop.
having a situationship and being exclusive are mutually exclusive concepts. i.e. your question doesn't make any sense.
If he hasn't cheated, he's going to. Not only is he garbage but so is the “friend”. You gotta get out and soon.
Yeah, if he isn't willing to CUT HER OFF and instead keeps indulging in his feelings for the other woman and keeps talking about some poly setup “in a dream”…there's no way this marriage is gonna work/last. He's more invested in this other woman than his wife and kids.
You want a woman’s perspective? If a man went through a divorce with me out of pride instead of explaining himself and waited two years to tell me, I would be so done with you. That’s ridiculous.
That's absolutely a deal breaker. It's odd for him to want to live! with his mom forever and to expect you or any other girlfriend to be ok with that and move in too. It's even weirder that his mom is ok with that. She should be encouraging him to move out on his own.
I'm not saying it does. But barely knowing each other before marriage makes it much, much more likely that your marriage either will not last or will not be healthy.
16 and 21?! Girl that is disgusting. This guy is a freak and a pedo.
Wtf lol. You’ve been together for 65 months? What the hell Who counts like that
They know full well what they did was wrong. It’s mean girl/ two faced mentality vaguely hidden by “adult responsibilities”. I say this because you had already explained how hot it was for your fiancée to have friends given her background. I’d drop them all from being invited from your wedding.
This would not be worth salvaging, for me.
my boyfriend got a tiny bit into kpop because i'm into kpop. of course he did not have to do that and i would never, ever have expected him to. but he's curious about me and my interests and likes experiencing them with me. (and me for him.)
i'd accept nothing less, at this point! i also don't want to be sexual unless we've been connecting in non-sexual ways. this is totally normal.
and the fact that you've had lots of talks about it, and it isn't changing, means it very likely won't change. this is who he is.
I was thinking this too lol he hid it bc he knows his kid is awful or at least has an idea based off of others that deal with the kid telling him
This. A thousand times this. Believe your spouse. That's the mother of your child. Be better.
I don't think that much changed. We both got more tired at work, focused on recovery at home rather than going somewhere every day. We are trying to save some money to buy a house (Iam actually doing the saving). Also, it is quite hot to balance 8 hours of sleep, 8 hours of work, doing a side hustle, keeping in touch with friend and maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship with my girlfriend.
Did you have a question?
Right… boyo doing coke is a much bigger relationship issue then kissing