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Getting your tubes tied is seen as a major surgery. I’m happy it went well for you but it’s not anywhere near as quick and non-invasive as a vasectomy and the reversal rates are absymal.
How ironic. You parents are mad at your wife for standing up for you, but also mad at you for not standing up for them. Now they want an apology from her.
You should play the exact same card and demand an apology from them to both your wife and yourself. Once that is done, then yes, show your wife.
Just leave tbh. Don’t make things hot.
Yeah something is definitely going on with him. Based on your other posts he has a past of cheating so that could definitely be it. No matter what is going on he should not be like that. It was clearly an accident. So unless you are not telling the entire story then he is definitely in the wrong.
I just thought he was getting out and now I'm in complete shock
He said he has no choice. He basically said once you sign the contract, the navy controls your life.
You shouldn't be in complete shock. This should have been a clear conversation early in your relationship. Far before a proposal.
That should be concerning to you about the relationship and communication between you both.
yes so a woman that overall in life is a 6/10 are looking for 9/10 guys. they don't want a 6/10 guy even though that's what they are themselves. i didn't say a avg woman should settle for a loser 2/10 guy.
avg women see social media posts and think they deserve the same thing the girl twice as good looking as them is getting with a $100k wedding and a 6'2 doctor husband.
everyone is influenced by social media. i think women are way more obsessed with it than guys and care more what others think.
agree to disagree if you want but it's just facts. i've seen it my entire adult life get worse every year.
I think it’s best if you move on without him. He still loves this woman. Could you wholeheartedly continue to pursue a future with a person that isn’t 100% in it with you? And even if he says he is, his actions indicate otherwise. I think you deserve the absolute best. You deserve to be someone’s first choice. You deserve better.
Honestly, some people are so insecure and controlling that they will justify anything and have the lines between friendship and emotional cheating blurred.
My advice would be: – learn about your attachment style, so you have better boundaries and expectations for yourself. – emotional intimacy with friends is as important as with a partner trying to monopolize it is emotionally abusive. By the way, intimacy is not exclusive to sex. – question your feeling of being neglected, ignored, and not validated. Do you have unreasonable expectations, or are you invested emotionally in a person with misaligned values to yours?
In my experience, when you have all of the above cleared out, it's easy to identify platonic friendships from cheating (even if it didn't end up in physical touch). Because as you said, “boundaries are different for everyone.”
When I say you is just a way of speaking not that it is about you specifically.
There’s feelings but I don’t think it’s love, and I’ve tried heaps and he changes for a bit but it always goes back to the same old thing. Thank you for the advice. ❤️
Yup. Especially with guy friends.
If you went behind my back and did that, I would feel like you have zero respect for me even if it was the right thing to do and did me a huge favor.
If you called me and asked me wtf is wrong with me for keeping something like that around, I may get mad but I will eventually get over it.
You can’t be the one to do this. The only people I can see doing this with success are his daughters.
Sounds like you might have a lot to learn from each other…if you can appreciate his seriousness as something that you might benefit from, and vice versa with your lively humor.
if you dont report him you're enabling a predator. do you not want to report him because you plan on reconciling and staying with him? if yes you are dumb and also quite a piece of shit too. he's only going to do it again. how many more students would he take advantage of?
Hopefully you can give some cookies to his next victim as a sort of peace offering after doing absolutely nothing that was in your power to prevent him from preying on students again.
These people that don’t understand that all relationships are reciprocal never cease to amaze. Time bounce them, and anyone vouching for them, from your life.
Sounds like he can do a lot better than someone who’s only interested in future earning potential.
I wish I could have a seperate room and I don't have a baby, I am a light sleeper too and I have a disability life is just a pain in the ass.
We have seperate duvets though and don't live together (spend 5 nights together most weeks though) and that does actually work well for us. The way to have a good relationship is good communication and understanding.
If you feel you’re done, well then there is your answer. If she comes at you with, “let’s hang out/grab a beer/whatever”, just say you appreciate the offer, but aren’t interested. Wish her the best and say goodbye. Leave it, don’t continue to engage. If necessary, after you’ve made yourself clear, block her.
You want more, she’s not willing or able to give it. Why risk her continuing to flit in and out of contact because you are convenient and giving her attention?
Best of luck.
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I just heard this the other day (thank you Glass Onion): “It is a dangerous thing to confuse speaking without thought for speaking the truth.”
Get a gun and learn how to use it.
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For most people, that would be three too many.
Yeah, shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.
Unfortunately not much you can do here. You either open up the relationship so you can both enjoy the experience. Or you can tell him that it's not gonna happen and he'll probably will go behind your back. Or just divorce him and he can have all the experiences he wants.
Bottom line is, he should've been committed to you from the moment he said 'I do'. Marriage isn't something he can turn on and off for other sexual experiences.
Do they eat chocolate? It has child slavery and labor. Do they use make-up? A lot of brands include animal cruelty. Do they buy branded clothes? Again lots of child labor.
And these are only a few examples of daily items most people use/buy. Does that mean they endorse this stuff too then? No, it doesn't. People should really get their heads out of their asses.
It will suck when the coworker is living in your house.
Yes this is true. I was thinking she is so used to her mom that she may of found someone like her without realizing it.
So… you want your girl who’s been friends with a group of people well before you to drop them because you don’t trust her ? You’re being insecure.
Your wife is wrong
THIS THIS THIS THIS HERE
some people aren’t taught to cook as kids and so are really intimidated by the kitchen. Is he interested in food at all? Like will he eat different things at restaurants? Are there any meals (even if very simple) that he will cook? Because if so it can take years but exposure – him seeing you cook nice meals, him cooking very simple but nice meals and gradually learning will happen. (Try spag bol, something he can make, experiment with but consisted of 4 actual ingredients (meat, sauce, garlic, mixed herbs) But if he’s just not interested it’s a bit different. Another suggestion are meal boxes. They come with instructions so he should be able to crack on.
OP literally said she met her bfs dad in the comment
Might want to start paying attention to what goes around in your house. Get cameras and look for clues. His reaction was definitely too aggressive and almost guilty
Married with kids? I lean towards not contacting her. If you do keep it short and clean.
This. A spiritual leader is not a replacement for a professional.
Exactly
Exactly. Things will only get worse from here. Don’t let it and just break up now before that can happen.
I believe this is trauma bonding – there's just enough 'good' stuff that you question whether the bad was real or really him. It is. It's a manipulation tactic. Also, he's totally isolated you from your life, also a manipulation tactic. Please get away from this person, he's horrible. Your body knows it, it takes a bit for your brain to catch up.
And let my wife walk out with my baby girls?
Your fiance spent decades abusing her sisters, hasn't apologized, and is now claiming their trauma as her own.
Why are you still engaged to her again?
Dude I don't lie about being Jewish. I just don't mention it. Duh.
She put her hands on you. That relationship is over. It's time to move on. Domestic violence is no joke! Your abuser crying and not eating is NOT your responsibility.
It's a long story but there was a reason it's not just something out of the blue
I’m sick of you not-picking the details of my replies and ignoring the substance.
Yes, it’s suffocating of you to tell her your feelings are hurt when she makes plans with her friends and doesn’t miss you. And it’s co-dependant as hell to feel so bad about “leaving her alone by herself’ that you’re considering changing jobs. Everything about the things you post about wanting to say to her, is needy and suffocating. You appear to have a totally unrealistic expectation of a ‘good relationship’ involving 24/7 togetherness as ideal and being constantly the focus of the other’s mind even when apart.
I've read some of your comments. She left the country, I can't even tell if she's come back, refuses a paternity test but wants you to marry her and give her money. Do not send her another dime until you get a paternity test and definitely do not marry her.
A lot of people see mold that's black and think it's toxic black mold when it could just be mold that is black.
I think it's entirely possible he relied on you to be his two brain cells and has an ego problem. Is this a huge behavioral change or something that's slightly out of character for him but that you honestly didn't have trouble believing? This may just be true colors going neon bright for you, or it may be something glaringly out-of-character. We don't know and can't say. It might be a mental problem. It might also be childish arrogance. You know him and can make this decision better than we can, but either way…this is not redeemable. You have to keep yourself fed and healthy and with a roof over your head, you are not independently wealthy where you can handle this behavior without it destroying you.
It’s okay to be quiet. She relates to each person differently.
Honestly some things couples fantasize about should just stay as a fantasy. Trying to carry it out will just eventually fuck up the relationship
Your family could forgive your sister cheating with your boyfriend. Yet they’re extremely disappointed with you, even though you didn’t know he was abusive.
Abusive men are not abusive all the time and sometimes it can takes a few years and their victim being trapped by marriage and kids for their true colours to come out.
Let them know you were lucky to never be trapped by him, and your sister did you a favour when she stole him before you were trapped.
Then go low contact.
The audacity they have to be angry at you, when you did nothing wrong. But super forgiving of your sister when she did do something wrong. Being abused doesn’t wipe the slate clean she was a bad person.
Thank you for the advice
Well you're not in her position. If your feelings and intentions are about her then the past does not matter.
it’s weird to bring her up every few days, and that he got so angry that you were sad. My partner has never talked about his ex other than telling me he had been cheated on, or tells me stories about his teen years but unless his ex adds context to the story he doesn’t mention her. I never asked him, he’s been that way since I met him. I had a moment of insecurity a couple years ago and asked him if he wished they never broke up. He said he’s glad for anything that happened before we met otherwise he might be still living life without me and that was the worst thing he could imagine. You do need to deal with your insecurities on your own, it’s not fair to project them onto your partner. But he seems like an asshole and his actions make you feel insecure. Does this relationship add value to your life? You don’t have to be with someone who makes you feel this way
Is your best friend more important, or is your wife more important?
You lied to your wife. You did this to yourself, mate. Next time, don't lie to the woman you're supposed to spend your life with.
OP you're not, insecure, you have a valid issue with something and are free to express it. This culture especially if you are residing in the west nowadays wants people to just accept anything even if it is clearly damaging the relationship for fear of being “controlling or judgemental”.
If you don't like this dynamic tell her, and if she doesn't want to cut him off, then the decision falls on you to either leave or stay. You're barely a year in OP, and she is still this close with him and already hiding things from you, imagine 5 years….
I forgot to add that he's American and living in Taiwan (I'm Taiwanese) so all his friends are back in America, so that's why I never met them.
This only adds to the fetishization imo. And even if you are in different countries he obviously doesn't see you long term otherwise he would want to introduce you to his friends.
Just planning how to say it lol
Personally, I would go point by point. How he disrespected you, is a man-child and not even close to mature enough to get a gf. But that is me, you know what's best for you!
This is when you sit down and have a real honest, raw conversation. Your comment of our car was a passive aggressive dig at her instead of just telling her the truth.
Yes, I would hope that getting a home w me means he does think of me as a life partner, and I want to make these decisions with him as the time comes. I work in healthcare and I see often how the bf of the 80yr never gets a say in medical decisions.
Have you tried talking with him about your insecurities? Setting a trap for him is a really shitty thing to do and isn't a long-term solution. If you feel like you can't trust him, it might be better for you both to break up. If I found out that my bf tried to test me, I would be livid. This whole thing is a huge red flag
She doesn’t have to come out…. If you’re claiming she’s afraid to come out. She can just leave her fiancé. She’s lying and gas lighting you and even if she’s really a lesbian who wants to come out (doubtful she’s probably bisexual and just wants to cheat).
How is her actions the past two years helping her get there? Moving in and getting engaged with her man. You’re a side piece and need to stop letting her gas light you
Leading up to the trip, he seemed very concerned about his appearance. He whitened his teeth, applied sunless tan and tried on everything in his closet.
What did he say when you were like, WTF MY GUY
because in my household, a conversation would be had. TF?
I was about to book a hotel room for him close to the airport when he told me that his female colleague has a family friend that they could stay with. I told him it made me uncomfortable but he said then didn’t have many other options.
He literally could book a room at a hotel. You even, was going to do it for him.
IMO If he hasn't already stuck it to the work homie, he's planning too.
When do you see her?
Very through answer. Thanks.
You are essentially exploiting your fathers need to resolve past issues for financial gain, and although it's sad that you are in a position where you need to, it is immoral.
He doesn't want to 'resolve' anything. Just be friends again, with zero accountability and zero chance to ever find out how much of everything he lied about.
It doesn't excuse how he treated your mother, nor would it fix the problem or undo the damage.
Fix, no. Undo, no. Help, yes.
Your mother has supported you through financial difficult but quite frankly, that is down to you and not your fathers absence, especially if the majority of this financial support has been given while you have been an adult.
You're right. It's not because of his absence. It is, very much, because of his presense.
Did you cut contact with your father immediately following how he treated your mother, or was this a result of other factors later on? You said they divorced 20 years ago but didn't give a specific number of years for how long you have been no-contact.
It's a long story but basically I refused to be tossed around in scared custody and only lived with my mom after I turned 18. I did meet up with him regularly/monthly after that until a couple of years ago.
Part of why I waited so long to cut him off completly is because I believed things he had lied about.
If I was your father, I would be disappointed that it took a financial bribe to make you speak to me again, but I imagine my desperation in developing some kind of relationship with my estranged child would make me go through with it regardless. People can change, they become aware of their life choices and how they may have negatively impacted those around them, and some people just want the opportunity to put right those wrongs (or at least explain their reasons). It's sad that you're using this to exploit your father, rather than make a decision based on your feelings on the matter.
I have giving him 20 years of chances to change. I'm done unless he pays up.
It's fine not to want contact with your father. It's fine to want to give him the opportunity to explain or try to forge a relationship with you. It isn't fine to benefit financially from this.
Why not? He's not poor. And I'm not getting tied up on his ginarmous sail boat again.
Yeah, it very much feels like it's written by the same person.
Tell them you are already sleeping together, AS IF THEY DIDNT KNOW, so what is there to worry about just moving in together??.. the idea is riddiculous and just for the purpose of their own vanity really.
i so want to believe the second option just because how insanely wild it is
and they were roommates
sigh… these comments are insane.
what type of company pays for a hotel room 30 minutes from the employees house? i’ve never heard of that maybe it’s just me but idgaf about company parties. maybe when i was 25 the idea of getting free drinks with my co-workers was appealing. now, it’s just unpaid work. i would maybe go, but i’m not sure i would be insistent on a hotel 30 minutes away from my house. would rather sleep in my own bed
Well, she is hr and has responsibilities, and what she might be doing is not one of them. Just talk to the boss, and he will do his job
Report her because it's unethical but be prepared for a lot more. If she is just punished or given a way to keep her license she will probably end it with him but if she gets it taken away she will probably “need” him and if they haven't crossed any physical lines yet there's no reason not to at that point. But I also agree that she is manipulating him, he's told her things he won't tell anyone else she uses that to control their “friendship”
I'm so I didn't read the whole thing but just why? Don't you feel super gross being with him? I couldn't sleep with that
Lol nice!
?
You just have some maturing to do. I was married really young, 19 and divorced by 21… even though I was not the one who had an affair, neither one of us were really ready for anything serious. You have to wake up every single day and CHOOSE to love your partner even if you are feeling unhappy or bored. When you can do that, you'll be golden!
Open phone policy ?
You should first see a doctor that does test on the physical aspects since it could be a hormonal imbalance or something of that sort. But if the strict medical aspect shows no problem, you could be dealing with some unresolved stress or anxiety from when you had all those problems, and you should seek therapy. I don't think you're on the asexual spectrum because you used to enjoy sex before and wanted to have it.
No I don't but I am looking, is there anything in particular I should look for? Thank you for advice.
Yes I do! I buy him gifts often as well (my love language is acts of service and gift giving). We are in a very traditional relationship. While we are young we did talk about this very openly and he is perfectly okay with me staying home in the far future (however I want to have a career first)
Are you trying to imply that someone who sleeps with more than one gender is more likely to have an STD?
Yeah, once you get this kick going, it doesn't just disappear. Talk with him about it and find the ground that best compromises for you two. Have him take the MSF (it immediately reduces chances of a fatal accident), have him agree to always wear full gear (armored jacket, helmet, motorcycle shoes or boots, gloves, denim or armored pants) as that also reduces the chance of fatal accidents. Your chances of dying are higher, but the statistics change (the highest estimated death vs. car is found with no experience/gear riders as well as experienced/geared riders) with everything you do to make it safer. Also, most fatal accidents are in the 40yo range, so his chances of fatal accidents are lower too.
I'm the exact same way. I hate massages, too, for this reason. I'd snap. “Don't touch me there!!” I had to tell my hubby too, and it took a while. Although it might sound drastic or bitchy, it might be the only way to get through to him.