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Gf might get on a medication that messes with bc effectiveness and they could need to go back to condoms. Antibiotics can do that, for example.
thank you kindly. i'll keep my head up for the future.
I don’t want to pressure her into doing things that she doesn’t like
Really? Cos it sounds like you are whining about this one thing she won't let you do, refusing to accept her explanation and demanding that she “elaborate further” in order to convince you that she has a good enough reason for saying no.
How can I get her to talk to me more about this?
I guess you could… browbeat her, sulk, get upset yourself in an attempt to emotionally manipulate her, withdraw your affection as a punishment, or bring it up over and over again until you wear her down into saying something (true or not) that you can accept as sufficient and finally let it drop?
Or you could… accept her at her word, never bring it up again and demonstrate that you are a safe and loving partner.*
*If there is something she isn't telling you, something scary and dark and upsetting, you'll up your chances of her confiding in you at some future point if you can show her that you respect her and her boundaries.
Sorry, but for which couple spending NY together isn't important? I find it very insensitive of her to not even consider spending a special holiday with her partner. And it doesn't seem controlling to me if he just asks for updates “every once in a while”. They don't have to have a phone call each day, like other people do, but a message every few days has nothing to do with control. For me, she doesn't seem ready to be in a commitment. She wants a bf, but she doesn't want to change her plans for them. Relationships are based on compromise, if she doesn't see that, then she should stay single.
I wonder if the kid is scared of being in his own room in an unfamiliar place? A good compromise could be a cot for the kid in their room, if that is the concern. They can be in the same room without being in the same bed.
I think you should assume that they arent your friend anymore and let them be
Your request is so unreasonable, that it makes me think that this is a troll post. The poor guy cant watch 90% of the movies that come out.
Its less about the smarts and more about being financially stable. Having a degree improves your chances of having a stable life financially much more than people here are willing to admit. If someone is financially stable without a degree then thats cool too and degree is obviously not required in that case. But lets be honest, financial stability is not easy to come by without a degree
If you truly care for him, don't interfere with his new relationship.
Obviously he knows you still have feelings for him, so if he wants to try again, he'll know how to get in touch with you
Don't keep asking her if she's ok or what's wrong. That makes you appear to be hiding more stuff. As long as you apologized, explained it was old, and actually deleted it then leave it at that. This is a trust issue that she'll have to figure out on her own.
Duuuude mine closed after an MRI too. Had them pierced for 5 fuckin years, they were out for maybe 12-14 hours because of an overnight stay. Closed. Got them repierced (painful) only to have an emergency MRI a week later. Needless to say, I no longer have my nipples pierced. Miss em tho
This is so fake lol
I don't get it..
So why the fuck even be married?
But it is his own fault. He pushed her into a situation, where she was uncomfortable. Which she mentionend to him, but he ignored it for his “fun”. Now OP was in a situation where she was uncomfortable and alone (husband had fun). It is human nature to seek companionship if we are uncomfortable.
And since OP does not mention her husband discussing boundaries and rules with her, it is normal to think it is fair game.
Don't forget: He wanted this and persuaded her. He knew swinging but failed to introduce her correctly. He is now mad because she couldn't read his mind. And that in a way he fucked around and found out.
Of course she should stop now meeting that guy, but they should both stop swinging or divorce if husband can't life without it.
You don’t. Literally just don’t continue dating someone once you realize that your values don’t align and they’re not open to discussion.
I think it’s a different deal when someone has a problematic take but is open to discussing it and really listens to the other side. To use a real example: one of my exes used the word “retard” as an insult in front of me, and I told him that I found that unacceptable, and explained clearly why. He never used that word again in front of me, and ultimately we broke up for totally unrelated reasons, we’re still on good terms and he still comes to me sometimes with questions about things like gender identity because he knows I’m a non-judgmental person who will actually explain rather than just end at “you’re a bigot”
That being said, if you point out something problematic and they deny/avoid/get defensive, there’s not much you can do. That isn’t a person I would want to be in a relationship with.
Who is this guy first and foremost? Is it someone that she had romantic interests in previously, or even dated?
It sounds an awful lot like OP is in a bad place, and she is now exploring her options. This will only make him get even worse and they will end up breaking up.
Do not talk to her until you get evidence. If you're married, get evidence of disloyalty because if things go sour and you need to have a divorce, you're going want proof, or at least that way, you also know that if you terhpy out, you know who the guy she's talking to is if she decided to pick him up later no matter what you choose to do get evidence
Bro relax it’s cool I didn’t get a date till I was 26 lol but this worked for me just go the gym at the same time each session (if possible)and you’ll see the same people(girls) each time and they’ll start to notice you as you get more fit. There’s a lot of positive people at the gym who won’t play games with your head. Stay away from people who drink and smoke alot especially if they post it live! all the time and if the gym is not your thing start going to a church more-there’s a lot of nice girls there too and if you go enough they’ll start to notice you and if you find the right church you can find awesome community and support. Listen to more positive music and eat healthier if possible. You attract what you feed your mind and body. Just breathe you’re young asf I’mma be 28 and I still feel 18 hahaha and stay away from the hookers ??you still have plenty of time bro
WTF is a 'committed FWB”? Like, that's the stupidest oxymoron I've ever heard. You're free to do as you wish, man. If the first girl gets upset, remind her this is exactly what she asked for. She doesn't get to say no to a relationship while refusing to commit and be pissed that you're dating someone else
It sounds more like you have an incompatibility issue because you’re both at two different parts of your life/adulthood. Same as an age gap relationship between someone in their late 20s and someone in their early 30s. It feels like you’re both in two different worlds because you are.
You’re talking about the importance of water bills, and your partner less than a year ago was talking about prom and doing Pre-Calculus homework. Two different stages of life. He’s not immature, he’s just literally an 18 year old kid.
Also you say you were groomed but this is not what grooming behavior is. Grooming is manipulating, exploring, or coercing a underage victim into situations that would cause the victim to be vulnerable and easily be abused or controlled by the groomer. Unless you’ve been working on making him your partner when you were both underage, or manipulated/forced him into entering a relationship with you, then you’re not grooming anyone or anything.
You just need to decide if the incompatibilities and the stage of where both your lives are right now are worth figuring out, or if it would be better in the long run to end things and give yourselves the opportunity to navigate adulthood separately.
Sounds like you two are incompatible. I'm personally not into blood play and I don't want to hear about it ever, and I don't think you would either considering you have trauma around that.
That's perfectly normal at your age, attraction hits you like a ton of bricks. It feels like the first 5 crushes or so are “the one” I thought I was going to marry my first girlfriend. I was head over heals. Now I look back and laugh at what an absolute tragedy that would have been. This is the time to try out and sort out what you think is good relationship material. I guarantee you definition of a good partner will change significantly over the next decade. Maybe you boyfriend will too. Overall I think the major thing that every relationship needs and that never gets old is faithfulness. It means a lot of different things to different people. But in the end its what that couple decides are their limits usually involving a third party. I do hope I've been some help.
mixture of both, but i’m not allowed to ask for moral judgement. I just feel really disrespected by the entire situation and wondered if i’m overreacting. is there a correct sub for me to ask if i’m being extra?
This could work, thanks! I’m sure it was probably something that had a decent deal on black friday but i always wind up missing those deals and wait til the last mintue to do all my shopping.
My experience is you should ensure you have friends who will introduce you to more women. Don't see these all as potential partners but they might have a friend that could be one. Or things can work out unexpectedly. Dating sites are not great and realistically most people there are not good matches for you whoever you are. But by being out doing hobbies or hanging out with friends you are going to encounter a much denser concentration of your people. I am not saying go out to pull but just make sure that dating aside you also are growing after high school. In a situation where you are both just relaxed enjoying yourselves you may find it easier to get a connection with someone who is serious rather than just bored or looking for attention. I got a couple of dates and a few matches this year but I am 5 months into a relatively serious relationship with someone I had been playing D&D with for years and had just started talking to and getting to know outside the game 18 months ago.
Live! your life and focus on that's tinder and the like are fine as a backup or there is nothing going on otherwise but it's a bad place to meet people, I hope we start to see the death of OLD soon. It's not what it was 15 years ago.
???????????????
definitely should've talked to the husband before. this is a huge gift and it'd be weird if he wasn't mad tbh.
I don’t get what the ultimatum is. ‘Have sex with me or I’ll…keep interacting with you’?
I don't even buy paper towels. We use cloth napkins for our hands and sponges or rags to wipe stuff. I'm also guilty of using tea towels out of desperation when all the napkins were being washed but I wouldn't recommend it bc it destroys them pretty quick.
When the holidays are over you can get festive cloth napkins on sale and it's a great way to start your collection
So she jumped into a long terms relationship 6 months after her parter of almost two decades left her?? Yeah, not surprising that hasn’t worked out.
Find a therapist. You are too old for this childish behavior.
Is it unreasonable to suggest that his GF also make an effort is the onus for a healthy relationship ENTIRELY on op's shoulders?
Last time I checked, if it's 2 hours for him, it's also 2 hours for her.
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I didn’t want to be mean but this made me laugh.
I think your main problem is not wanting to have children. I think if you're willing to be childless in order to stay married with your wife the marriage is salvageable. Even if you choose not to get divorced there will always be a sense of resentment from both parties. From what you've said about the adoption process in her mind it seems like she won't take the role as mother and you will be the father. I think you should talk to a therapist about your marriage and plans for the future.
So you found out he cheated on you, so to PUNISH YOU FOR FINDING OUT, he returned your Xmas present, even though you stayed with him.
Ok then.
Sounds like she never actually reported any abuse and it's hear say. Good luck holding that in court. Not saying she didn't experience abuse at all, just saying it wouldn't be the first time it's been used in court for an ex to attempt to take a child away.
This is a fake story.
A parent and their child only share 50% DNA.
Wait, so man's got a baby mama, a surrogate mommy to raise his kids (you), and he's in love with a third woman.
All ya'll women need to get this man out of your lives, Jesus Christ.
What false belief though? This person is saying that a lot of heterosexuals don’t want to date someone who isn’t also heterosexual.
So for a woman to say she doesn’t want to date a man who has/would have sex with other men isn’t a false belief in any way? The hypothetical bisexual man has stated clearly that he’s attracted to and open to sleeping with men.. hence being openly bisexual.
He sleeps with men, she doesn’t want to be with someone who sleeps with men. There’s nothing false about that. As has been stated. It’s a personal preference.
Not everyone who doesn’t agree with you or like the same things you like is a bigot. Y’all throw these terms around and label everyone who disagrees a bigot, racist, homophobic, etc. essentially making those labels useless in the end as you’ve diluted it. Save the labeling for those who actually earn it.
You act like he knows about you and that you want to meet, which he probably doesn’t. Everything you “know” is coming from your shady kid girlfriend. She’s the one your lack of trust should be directed at. She’s the one disrespecting your relationship and ignoring your requests. And the fact that you are blaming this unknown dude instead of your “girlfriend” who keeps jerking you around seems to indicate that you are also immature and explains why you are dating a 21 year old.
A naked lesson I’ve learned is that no one will truly look out for yourself the way you do. He is choosing to do what he wants and what he thinks is best for him, and not caring much about your feelings. To me, that’s motivation to realize he doesn’t really care about you, he cares about himself and for you to then be firm and take care of yourself. No one else will.
At some point you will need to make it obvious. There are risks, of course. A lot depends on how level-headed those concerned are, how self-controlled they are, and how much they value the friendship.
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Ahhhhh, if women had a nickel for every time some guy swore, “but were just friends” only to find out he's been boinking them since day one… we'd be rich.
?
What the hell did I just read? Your wife is physically abusive and your first thought is if you should still take martial arts? Are you fucking kidding? Get the hell out of this relationship dude, what are you even doing?!
As a 30+ year old I tend to see 24 year olds and 18 year olds as being the same stage of life. 18 is young adult and 24 is late-young adult, so it doesn't bother me, but I'm pretty far removed from that stage of life now so maybe I'm out of touch. 25-27 I see as a pretty grey area for dating an 18-19 year old and 28+ is either a cradle-robber or an idiot bound for heartbreak.
Fair, I’m just not sure what I want. Do you have any advice on navigating a conversation
Relationship advisor agreed with his cheating?
Are you sure he is actually seeing a professional?
Stay away – never look for the third strike
(UPDATE) Hes working on getting friends hes going out more. and i completely stopped after he told me this.
You have every right to be mad and feel validated at the same time! He needs to get over himself if he thinks you are being overly dramatic. Hopefully karma shows him where you’re coming from in some part of his life. Hugs to you!
Run. Right. Now. Don't look back.
27 M ended things with girls of 2 and 4 years at different points in life for different reasons. Learned lessons, moved on with my life.
Cleansing yourself of those is an important step of moving past it unless it’s useful in my eyes.
Needing things purely sentimental from past relationships tells me you still need a feeling from those things you are getting. Thinking of people you’ve moved on from is generally not a helpful activity especially to a point you have trouble letting go of a thing, so I don’t see a point keeping them if you haven’t.
If kids are involved I would see this entirely differently, as those things involve your children.
You’re entitled to your own option, if it means nothing to you then good luck. I fundamentally disagree with you and we won’t see eye to eye on this
I find too much stuff over welming. Sometimes she buys me stuff. It is more of a, I feel guilty about all my purchases gift.
Her consumption clouds my brain.
How did the discussions about this go? Like what did you say and what did she respond
So your husband is just another child that needs to be taken care of. I’m so sorry.
It sounds like what is ruining your marriage is your husband not being a partner in helping with life. Not your mom helping out.
We've been dating for a year and a half now . I've been cheated on once by him .
He's still regularly lying to you, OP.
Ask him to hire you as his relationship parole officer, then at least you'll get paid cash money for trying to be the Relationship Police on him. Because they're aren't many other job perks for taking up that role. On the other hand he may not hire you due to having a lack of qualifications for that job.
And I'm not comfortable with him being in really good terms with any other gurl cause my conscience
When you say “conscience” you probably mean the string of small white lies you keep noticing him making.
So should I just tell him to stop worrying about other girls life nd help me cope up with my mental health
I imagine being lied to on the regular isn't helping your anxiety level.
My advice is simple. Leave a cheating liar; then gain your life back.
You are still quite young, and it’s perfectly okay for people to grow in different directions over time, even in relationships. I suggest you to talk with all maturity you have, about what your plans are, and to find compromise, or at least separate on a good terms, if you truly want absolutely different things in life.
Life is long, and you are only at the start of it, it’s okay not to marry your high school sweetheart, most people never do.
I think what you are doing is tantric sex.
This sounds like a horrible idea. You should never shit where you eat.
It’s one thing to want vent, but what possible advice do you think this sub has ? You considered cheating on your husband , that’s for him to decide how that makes him feel. All of us here in internet land can cast our judgements , the only should matter is your husbands.
The fact that you chose to try and bring others into the convo before you were able to face your husband feels like there more to feel guilty of , but that’s my own suspicion. Imagine how you husband will feel finding out he was one of the last people to know lol …
Everyone's hating but you can find a partner that hasn't had sex or has had less partners, just be up front about it. You'd be surprised at how many other people are still more traditional, it's just the people that sleep around that broadcast it to the world.
If that's what you want, good luck. Can't believe some of these comments here. You can find yourself someone who shares your views on sex.
If you were definitely serious about this relationship, then yes you should at least ran it by her before you made it your decision. Sorry dude you’re SOL on this one.
Flip the script. Would you be mad if he didn’t tell you? It’s a likely yes.
Do it. Open conversations and honesty is a hallmark of any good and healthy relationship. If he is a good boyfriend, not only would he understand, but he would be there to support you.
I know she doesn't owe me all of her free time. a little background we hangout once a week maybe twice at most if our schedules line up. we text here and there. But I hear you I thought the age difference wasn't too much of a factor but It just might be that. I'm not asking for alot of time together I'm just asking for her not to ghost me for a week and to communicate with me.
You’re an idiot,
You’re not crazy. Run (now) far away and don’t look back.
okay, i think i might bring that up later like if he does invite me over after. thank you 🙂
If he wants it to be that way he can use his smaller portion of income for his kid and you can use your larger portion for your two. He sounds selfish for no reason.
There’s zero reason to give one child out of three more inheritance.
What 30yo doesn’t have a cool rooftop bar to drink at on her day off? I would be doing that. Not chasing a guy if I were single.
There was a woman that used to do this to my sister. We refer to her as The Stalker.
Their kids went to preschool together, and they became friendly. She cut her hair similar to my sister. She dyed her hair red after my sister did. She bought the same boots. She expressed interest in pursuing similar jobs, despite her differing education and background. She would buy birthday gifts for my sister's kids that were like….too much for a casual friend(not even mentioning the fact that she wasn't really financially “well-off”). These were gifts even I, as their aunt, wasn't presuming to buy for them. I mean, it's not like they were best friends. It was weird, and noticeable, and very awkward.
My sister tried to tell her this made her uncomfortable, when she bought some expensive dress for my niece, and she cried.eesh. Ultimately, my sister just began avoiding her. She still came to my brother-in-law's office where I worked, and she would ask after my sister, like they were such good friends who were missing each other. Like .. it was just weird, and she placed an inappropriate level of reliance and interest on my sister – they were just “friendly” before – that's it! Not BFF.
Sometimes people that do this don't intend harm, but you never know. It makes things awkward, uncomfortable, and annoying. My suggestion is to distance yourself until you can separate. This kind of fascination and envy of another person to this level can be at minimum unhealthy, if not obsessive.
I know that and I feel that in my heart. I tell him this. But he wants to be with me and get passed this. He said he loves me unconditionally and just wants to know everything I’ve done.
I would like more communication in general, like updates throughout the day, or some words of affirmation and things of that nature, specially cause she goes out alot
Maybe it's just me, but I've been with the same person a very, very, long time. I can't imagine ever having wanted updates and affirmations throughout the day, especially during work. If she were the one writing about this, what would her position be? What's her argument?
Does she spend more time going out with her friends than she does with you?
when a conflict…is going on between us, and I tell her how it makes me upset or hurts my feelings, she gets defensive about my emotions and creates an argument which just leads to her shutting down.
I wouldn't find this acceptable. Communication is very important.
If you two had been together for many years or had children together I'd advise couples counseling. But you've only been dating a year and these sound like basic incompatibility issues.
No, do not.
He’s looking for away back into your life.
If he wanted closure you two would have it right then and there in the chat.
He could apologize and ask for forgiveness in the damn chat!
Asking to meet up is him asking to weasel his way back in, to SEE if you are still in love with him, to see if he could covet you from your husband.
This guy is still in love with you and clearly hasn’t moved on.
Someone moved on but wanting to put to rest would have either left you alone or sent an apology message to help you finally put it to rest.
I say this about an ex at the start of 2021, when months after we broke up we stopped being friends because of another women, years later who eventually left him. He didn’t me to hate him for what happened and APOLOGIZED & took accountability in a DM on Instagram. And we haven’t spoke since.
Op, this guy 100% has ulterior motives.
DO. NOT. GO. MEET. UP!!!
It’s a damn trap!!!
take the W, if you wanna keep the baby and the new dude, do it. Whatever if it lasts or not, cause he sounds pretty much ready for anything, and move on. Sounds like you could have a lot of good stuff coming your way, congratulations! All those negative nellies can buck up or get out, their choice, let em alienate themselves.
I’m feeling leaving and moving on is best
Do this and don't look back. A basic standard should be “I don't date liars” He's a liar so don't date him.
Yeah it’s definitely tough, maybe it’s cause I looked in the wrong places, but I’ve never met anyone that was that complete a package considering we were friends before it
That being said, I’m newly single again and I really should allow myself to grow and meet the person who’s right for me at this point
I don’t know how many people are going to need to gently tell you that you’re wrong before you accept that you’ve been misled about this, but you’re the one who is promoting a mindset that most people would consider is, at best, a gray area.
THANK YOU!! I also could just glide over “Aryun” and I haven’t seen any other comments mention it.
If he doesn't get the message, it's a red flag – controlling.
Unacceptable! Bye Felicia.
It doesn’t sound like he’s in the right place to be in a relationship right now. You’re three months in and were immediate thrust into the role of financial support and carer?
I can, but she has mentioned before how we spend too much time at my place. She also teases my pets because she wanted me to understand how she felt ?♂️
You can still mention it. “Honey I was thinking about the concert the other day and while I enjoyed myself and my time with you I don’t really love the concert experience so next time I’ll pass.” So,etching along those lines
That’s not fair, according to OP’s comments he’s never brought up this issue before.
Even after just 7 months, he would already know if he thought you were marriage material.
What is a mix baby?
Honestly, dude, just keep your distance. You can do better with people who actually treat you like a human being.
she is cheating on you. better get your shit together and lawyer up.
So he still hangs out with them and does things beyond partying?
I needed that thing to be deleted, she just changed her bio last night on that account. Maybe she hasn’t moved on fully from me.
I’m so sorry. I think it’s important to keep things in mind, regardless of how naked it will be. She will admit to what you tell her to admit to at this point, probably. But remember, she will still not be admitting to anything you don’t have perfect proof of. If you don’t have proof and force her to admit that she said awful things about you that would be divorce worthy in themselves, she will not tell you. And when you find out and she does, she will cry more and try to make your relationship instincts turn on and comfort her. Remember, you’re the victim.
She will say she wants to be with you, and MAYBE agree to cut him off. If so, almost as a rule she will start up contact or he will and it will resume. Or she will say she loves you both and isn’t sure, and try to guilt trip you into letting her keep “talking” to him. She will continue to keep “talking” to him and tell you periodically that you’re controlling despite the fact she has cheated on you.
OP, this is a nightmare, I know. Find someone you can confide in— NOT HER. NOT HER FRIENDS. She will use it against you as soon as it’s to her advantage. She’s already been using your suspicions of the affair she’s in against you, yelling at you that they’re only friends. She will use every other emotion, no matter how valid, against you.
My boyfriend thinks that he is the one paying all the bills, the rent, the groceries, etc.
Is this true? You make 2/3 of his pay, is that money used for shared expenses? You mentioned a joint bank account does all your money go into there and he handles the bills from that account?
But whenever he wants something, whether it be from my paycheck or his, it’s “our” money.
Again, I'm confused, do you mean he pulls from the joint account? In which case, how do you tell which paycheck its from? When you buy concert tickets are you pulling money from the same place he does? I'm trying to understand the his vs ours money. If all the money is in a joint account this distinction wouldn't make any sense.
Not to mention I do 90% of house hold chores- because he doesn’t consider my studying work
This seems to imply that your income doesn't go towards shared expenses.
Allow him to love you
Consider how naked I have to work. It's crazy nude, like omg what a day today. Even if I have lunch with you and explain it based on hours/commute/on call weekends/double shifts/finances/unpaid breaks/expectations; you still will never truly know how hot I work. My point is that we can't really compare suffering. You are going through a lot of detail in this post about yourself, have you gone in that much detail explaining it to her? Each person has their own experiences and views on other peoples experiences. We can be sympathetic to it, empathetic to it, indifferent to it, or just dismiss it and ignore it.
Your gf hasn't had a full time job, hasn't had a long commute, hasn't had to get up early or work overnight, doesn't even walk to work in the snow, hasn't had the sufferings that you have. She can't be sympathetic. She could be empathetic but she simply isn't. For instance my wife hasn't worked overnight, yet she is empathetic to me (I've been overnight for all 13 years). Your gf isn't interested in how difficult your job is, just like she also isn't interested in how easy her job is. She drags out of bed at 11 and probably complains about it. Her frame of reference for suffering is way different than ours. She didn't even go to school “full time” but even the term 'full time' is a matter of perspective. She probably thinks it was full time because it's the only responsibility she had at the time. I worked full time 40 hours a week while going to school full time >4 classes, fuuuuuck that was hot and I have strong sympathy for people that have to do both. She did her 3 classes a day and felt like it was a full day's worth of work. That's her perspective.
I think if your gf suddenly got a job working 55 hours a week she might complain exactly the same as she does now. Really consider that. This isn't about how “ridiculously easy” her job is, it's about how ridiculously unempathetic she is and you wish she was more appreciative of what she has. You are expected to work for free through lunch, you have an hour commute, you are forced to rely on public transportation; but you feel like you can't complain about any of it. When you get home and feel stressed out from a shitty day, she feels entitled to the same amount of stress from casually working on and off 3 hours during the day at home. You have to feel supportive of each other, that is the only way this will work. You struggle emotionally supporting her because she complains about her easy job. She struggles to emotionally support you because she just isn't empathetic to your sacrifices and effort. She feels like she deserves the same pay, but doesn't understand at all what goes into that. She doesn't have a work/life balance, because she wants to be unemployed or make a ton of money from no effort.
You will have to be honest about some of this. Growing together means being understanding of each other. You are hiding a lot of your feelings here, maybe she is hiding feelings of her own too. Where do you want to go from here? Maybe you need a different job so you can feel a work/life balance for yourself? Why is she clinging to this gym idea, yet doesn't follow through on it?
How’s he been doing with his life before the break?
Wow, such shit family!!
Instead of concentrating on the abusive man, somehow it's OP's fault? How dare OP be “better” than the sister that this man didn't abuse her?
Well, I can assume that he didn't really want to stay with sis, he probably just wanted to have all the cakes. Instead, he was caught, OP dumped him, so he had no choice but to stay with her. Boom, kids almost straight away, and for a guy who is willing to cheat like that (probs a narc) his plans of fun are derailed and sis is no longer the naked piece on the side for the sexies, so he is angry.
Obviously, your family doesn't want to see that, they're also using this to kind of blame you for your sister taking your ex from you. Sorry she got beat up, but in a way that's karma (I want to reiterate that I DO NOT approve of any kind of abuse).
OP, if your sister has always been the favourite they will never hear you and accept your side. They just want to blame someone and easier to blame you than place it on the actual criminal, that being your ex.
I were you if they continue this? Go LC to NC with them and make sure you control the narrative, like going on social media and posting about it or telling your friends. You didn't know he was abusive and even if you did, this still wouldn't be your fault, not like you punched the sis.
For real, some families, man
Agree with this. OP u need to take care of urself too.
U sound like a sweetheart. Caregiving is alooot of work. Even just having someone emotionally be very dependent on u is extremely draining. U having to clean up pee on ur own furniture without even an apology isn't okay.
She is at the end of the day an adult. If she needs help that's understandable bt she needs to get it. It's not ur responsibility to live! in a smelly place and to clean up other people's urine.
That's gonna start affecting your own mental health.
There are times that feel like absolute hell… She always seems so happy from the outside but deep down she’s clearly a mess.
Mel, your GF's abusive behaviors cannot be excused — but perhaps can be explained, especially if you would speak to a psychologist in your city. They may be due to her having very weak control over her own emotions (i.e., a lack of emotional skills she had no chance to learn in childhood). My exW has that problem. If it is an issue for your GF, you likely would be seeing 4 other red flags.
The first is a strong abandonment fear. I therefore ask whether, a few months into your relationship, she started showing strong jealousy over harmless events involving other women — or tried to isolate you away from your close friends and family members? She would view your spending time with friends/family as your choosing them over her. Moreover, she usually would hate being alone by herself.
Second, you would be seeing her rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein she tends to categorize some people as “all good” (“with me”) or “all bad” (“against me”) and will recategorize them — in just a few seconds — from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction.
Because she also uses B-W thinking in judging HERSELF, she would rarely acknowledge making a mistake or having a flaw. Doing so would imply, in her mind, she is “all bad.” She thus would blame nearly all misfortunes/mistakes on you and view herself as “The Victim.”
Further, to “validate” her victim status, she would keep a detailed mental list of every infraction/mistake you ever did (real or imagined) and would not hesitate to pull out the entire list to defend herself in the most insignificant disagreement with you. Moreover, this B-W thinking also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like “you ALWAYS…” and “you NEVER….”
Third, you generally would not see her directing her anger at casual friends, coworkers, or total strangers. She usually gets along fine with them. Rather, her outbursts and temper tantrums almost exclusively would be directed against a close loved one (e.g., against you, a sibling, or her parents).
Fourth, you are convinced that she truly loves you. But you frequently see her flipping, on a dime, between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you) — often making you feel like you're walking on eggshells around her. Such flips would occur in a few seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do. A few hours or days later, she can flip back just as quickly.
Mel, have you been seeing strong occurrences of all 4 of these red flags?
You are not compatible. Would be incredibly foolish to stay in this relationship.
6 months. For 6 months she lied, cheated and manipulated you. She looked you in the face, told you she loved you and then went to see another man. You forgave all of that and now she's back talking to the guy. She clearly hasn't learned her lesson and the lack of consequences last time has emboldened her to do it again.
The whole “it was only messages” thing in some ways makes it worse. That means that your relationship meant so little to her that she was willing to throw it away just so she could message this guy a bit.
Forget the sunk cost and break up with her, she's not wife or even gf material.
This would not be a dealbreaker if my husband told me this, this is something to get through together. Tell her and then you can make plans for the future together
So you’re demanding a woman to be on hormonal birth control or IUD when you could just get a vasectomy (you don’t want kids, right) or just not do the thing that leads to pregnancy.
Still a liar and a weird one too. ????
Lmao I read that line 5 times, then stopped reading the rest of the post because it tripped me out ???
I’d say try be more open-minded and positive as possible while also being honest about how you want to remain the number one option with your boyfriend. Hopefully, your boyfriend reassures you enough to help you feel more secure and maybe even you’ll get to know this new friend better. Imagine all the embarrassing stories she can tell you about your boyfriend. She won’t be a threat if she’s your friend too you know.
You're totally right. It was more of a general tip from a middle aged woman, for the younger ladies of the world – hoping to undo some of the sexism of years past! Lol
You're totally right. It was more of a general tip from a middle aged woman, for the younger ladies of the world – hoping to undo some of the sexism of years past! Lol
So yes, you really can’t see how you are being terrible here. Game plan…
Decide if sex with your bf is bad enough to be a dealbreaker. If yes, go to step 2, if no, this is your life now.
2a. Tell your boyfriend you want to improve things, this is something for you to fix together. Read some books, do some research, try some stuff. Help with meal planning, help with grocery shopping, ask to do more active things that will help him get in shape.
2b. If one of you isn’t willing to work on it, break up.
Is sex life improved? Then go back to step one and decide if it’s improved enough. Keep going through the cycle till you are happy with your sex life or you land on 2b and someone’s not willing to work on it.
If your answer, in a monogamous relationship, is to suggest you and you alone go fuck other people, you are a garbage human. Stop the damn pity party and painting yourself as a victim. Work on it or break up.
Wow are you serious, that’s such a cute pic! He sounds like a giant man child, I’d move on – also considering that he showed pics of your sister to his friends. I would not be able to get over that fact.
Your boyfriend is a piece of shit. I don’t know how more clear I can be. He’s showing you right now that he’s selfish, self involved, and his feelings and desires will always come before yours, even if it hurts you.
Thank him for showing you what an awful person he is before you got more serious and choose the dog, babe.
brown eyes are warm, melty, inviting, and deep. my ex, who was not nice, said something similar to me about my brown eyes and he had blue eyes. so many years later, it’s not something i can forget. your loved ones shouldn’t say something so shallow. he probably doesn’t even mean it because he found you attractive and likely other brown-eyed women attractive like the kardashians and whatnot.
I'm sure people with brown eyes struggle when squinting into the sun too.
He has not changed. He thought you were going to be completely desperate, find a way to contact him and beg for him to come back.
You did not do that. You showed him you were stronger and capable of getting on without him and then he got scared.
He is not going to change, but he will change his tactics to change you. Do not go back to him. Learn from this experience and allow yourself – and hopefully him – to grow from it.
Time to leave. Your child is now scared, attached to the hip because they seen mommy hurt daddy. The children are now involved (although really they always have been but now they're really involved) and you need to get them out of that dynamic as well as yourself. This isn't ok and I'm so sorry you're dealing with domestic abuse. I don't care how mad someone is, violence isn't ever the answer. I'd be getting in contact with a lawyer asap.
Have you talked to him about wanting to spend more time together?
People who have successful open/poly relationships generally try to manage their time and accommodate their partners when they can. But you also may be wanting more than this man can offer.
Some of the best engineers I've met have been women. Mostly because they want to be there rather than been told it's a career that a technically minded man should have.
Also none of them take any shit.
Apparently Your bf just being shy naturally
I'd much rather talk than text. It's more personal.
He has a gun and he is mentally unstable, abusive and controlling. Girl, you are in DANGER.
If OP's husband is financially covering the majority of the household expenses, especially groceries, and OP is not contributing financially, while using the household groceries for her side hustle, or to cook for her friends, while disregarding her husband. I can see why her husband would be upset. Of course, I'm going by limited information.
Woman, you got past him bursting YOUR bubble, he can get over the same bubble. If he can’t, what kind of fragile partner is he?
In relationships that aren't abusive or otherwise bad….
a partner wouldn't tell the other what they should do for their own mental health like forbidding therapy and medications
a partner would ask “how can I help”and hug you when you come to him crying instead of him being annoyed and having no compassion
a partner would be concerned upon hearing you cry yourself to sleep
a partner will talk about a problem to solve the problem together, as a team, instead of ignoring you and faulting you
a partner isn't violent towards anything, no matter if it is an object or a person. It is very concerning he is destroying things when he is angry!
nobody ever feels the needs to hide things from their partner
a partner should genuinely care about not triggering you with loud sounds like yelling
So please. This relationship is bad. Make a plan to leave. With abusive relationship, someone is in the most danger when they plan to leave them. So please use a hotline or live! information to make a PLAN to leave as safe as possible, and bake this plan in a way your bf won't know.
From how OP wrote it he hired someone tho
Like I can’t believe this is all just bad luck bc I’ve met someone with genuinely bad luck. Like most of this stuff is stuff you have control over m
Like the Alexa one??? Bro give me a break, how does he think people cooked before Alexa??? Why aren’t you watching this food? Why not use a timer on your phone? Nah the answer is “I guess you’ll just have to cook everything” like how is that not weaponized incompetence lol
Leave that negative review now.
His mom didn't die recent to now, but the pain you are feeling is still eating away at you.
Scathe him in the review knowing you did what you could to prevent bullshit like this from happening in the future.
That photographer does not deserve to succeed if that is a sampling of their choices and judgement.
It sounds like he has some deep seeded insecurities. Honestly I would say that either he needs to come out with it or you may want to reevaluate this relationship. He’s been unwilling to work with you on an intimate issue and clearly feels embarrassed about it. He needs to open up otherwise this will continue to put a strain on the relationship.
Thank you
LOL, no you don't, that's ridiculous.
Look, if op wants to stay, good, but that doesn't mean you should lie about shut to make her good no? That's literally my point. Sweeping it under the rug won't work here, acting like it didn't matter won't work, “focusing” On certain things won't change anything, op is not a kid, yk, he can tell he was done dirty. The correct is not lying to make her look good, it's accepting she screwed and trying to make her win ops trust, what you're doing is “focusing on the goodside” And leaving all the badthings with op.
U can borrow my projector if u want
All of this is excellent advice, OP. Please take it.
My deepest condolences for your loss!
My dad died 2.5 years ago. If my husband, the father of my children, had cheated on me during the height of my grief, I would’ve divorced him in an instant. A boyfriend? Ha! The relationship would already be over.
Unpopular opinion. But yes, I think you can over compliment.
I compliment my wife often. Several times a week.
If I did it multiple times daily, it'd lose its meaning. Do I even truly mean it? Is it just a habit?
That's how I'd feel. I asked my wife before typing this, and she agreed.
You just revealed yourself to be clingy and immature. But it sounds like this older woman is able to handle herself. You just don't respect her career ambitions or her time and you come off as looking for a mommy more than a lover. She'll get over it, but it's unlikely she'll want to date you.
You might remind him that the typical woman gets hit on often enough that she knows how to handle herself in those situations. Whether or not you should be going to this bar as frequently as you do is for you to decide. But you can remind this guy that you do know how to say no and how to handle yourself in public. You're just as likely to get hit on at a coffee shop as at a bar but if he thinks you're going to run off with every idiot who propositions you it means he doesn't have a lot of respect for you as a person.
All these comments pointing out the obvious red flags and THIS is the one you reply to? Girl, come on. He's almost 30 years old and can't save. Does he pay rent? Does he do chores? Is he saving for retirement? Does he have good credit? I really hope yall aren't trying to have kids. Think about it – do you think you could be attracted to an 18 year old right now? Because your bf was. Why do you think that is?
I am no longer touching like I said in the post I did 4 years ago but since then there has been none it's only about live! porn and Instagram women. I am not talking to any either
Even if he wanted to marry you, do you want to be the one who has to do everything for him since he can’t save, still living with his parents, and still doesn’t know your sense of humour after five years?
You didn't have to post about your morally dubious decisions if you were going to be so butthurt about people flaming you, but here we are and damn you crying about it sure is entertaining. Lol
Btw I'm a guy before you call me a misandrist. ?
You definitely have not been on the Reddit relationship subs much lately. Those type of posts are really trendy right now (the “ridiculous age gap with painfully obvious issues” post.)
Usually the younger woman is being taken advantage of because they are relying on the guy for housing. However there is also way too much “the way older guy has the gal supporting them while also being abusive about it/regularly guilt tripping them about having any expectations that they so much as find a job or help with chores.” (I even commented on a post fairly recently lamenting the fact that “ridiculous age gaps with glaringly obvious issues” is the current trend in posts on the relationship subreddits.)
Not that it's a bad thing that you haven't wasted enough time on Reddit to be aware of the trends. It really gets depressing seeing how little your average poster will accept in a relationship. I mostly read the subs to keep how amazing my boyfriend is in perspective.
Things are actually really great until you need to talk about the things that aren't which cues in abuse from him.
Yes, great you love him but maybe you should consider loving yourself more.
Healthy relationships take all parties involved to do. Otherwise this is what you're signing up for.
You're not likely to get closure from his past actions, current or any future ones.
Hopefully you don't have or plan to bring children into this horrible dynamic at the very least, if you won't consider wanting better for yourself
Am I the only one who could barely understand this post?
You already know that the only reason he did anything for you was so he'd get his dick sucked. Time to admit that to yourself.
I feel like it is possible for some people to work through it – indeed some people don’t even care that much and are fine with it – but you seem normal and really effected by it.
So, the big problem is; she’s capable of that. She could do it again. It’s in her.
For that reason, it’s over.
It can be normal. I am still friends with my ex husband, we are separated for over 13 years. We have a son. Moreover because I don't have a lot of family, neither does he and when you have a child together you become family too. The child is an adult now, but that doesn't matter.
It depends on the relationship, i can understand that its uncomfortable if there are still feelings involved, I would not like that either, that's definitely uncomfortable.
But, to give another perspective: usually people have a type, and if you look beyond jealousy or insecurity, often times exes of partners can get along great, if that makes sense. So, if this man is going to hang around anyway, see if you can put your ego aside and there might be a friendship in there. I have liked all new partners of my ex hb too.
I don't change partners a lot but my ex had 4 different relationships afterwards and he always makes an “official” introduction because he wants his new girlfriends to understand that I am part of his family. My fiance was a bit doubtful in the beginning before he got to know him but I told him, take it or leave it and now they get along amazingly, its almost a bromance.
Id leave her personally I love my video games even though im not addicted and tell every girl I talk to if you make me pick you or the games im picking the games lol
she’s childish asl
Well who the heck else is responsible for his actions when he’s drink? If he got a DUI would he use that excuse? Sober him is responsible for what the drunk version of him did.
I’m sorry you went through this