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That’s exactly what he’s doing. He’ll have won and you’ll have lost.
my abusive ex used to say i cheated on him because i hung out with a group of male friends (that he was also friends with) without him, like 2 weeks before we started dating… turns out he was accusing me of this our whole year and a half relationship, bringing it up randomly in arguments, etc… because he was cheating and was trying to justify what he was doing by saying i cheated he did this with most of my friends even my straight female best friends
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He's horrendously insensitive and cruel. You need to break up for your own physical (intimate at least) safety! If I caused my partner pain, I'd be disgusted at myself. You need to wake up, grow a backbone and give clear boundaries and stick to them! Especially don't engage in sex when consent is wonky in best of circumstances which wasn't the case here. Yiu guys are not on the same page and him blaming you is ridiculous. He changed the status quo. Stop trying to placate someone who keeps pushing you to do things you're uncomfortable with doing!
umm y’all are in a relationship?
i mean, he’s already your friend. and having this degree of intimacy – and yes getting to a point where you’re cuddling, that’s intimate – still is a flavour of friendship if that’s all you want, or it can be a flavour or romantic relationship if that’s what you want.
you should talk to him and figure out what you’re both looking for really, because to be clear if you like that feeling of protection and he likes giving you that feeling, that’s pretty good tbh.
but you both need to be clear on what you’re looking for. if he’s continuing to pine for a crush, and he can’t be fine with you instead, it’s time to pause. if you find that satiety you get with that warm fuzzy feeling of safety disquieting, define clearly what you’re hoping to do before you further bind this tie.
(sorry – like getting poetic with my prose)
Updateme!
Just break up and move on. He will threaten you that he'll cheat each time he doesn't get what he wants. It is not healthy.
If she really wanted, she could give you oral, and anal for penetrative sex. Lots of women with vaginismus offer those alternatives, there is a whole reddit dedicated to anal only relationships. There is absolutely no reason to reduce your sexuality to handjobs, she should step up.
Sex is a foundational pillar of every relationship, IDK how you lasted this long with her.
Keep things ended. You were lucky enough to catch on early
She said she was “bored” because we haven’t seen each-other in a while.
You know some (normal) people help with their grandchildren (without payment) because that's what people do? Making sure the kids go to the bus is something I'd do for a neighbor. Wtf is wrong with americans? It's not like the kids online with the grandma while the mom is getting drunk in miami.
Take it. Hang it on different coloured walls. Click pictures. Then throw it away. Whenever she asks. Show one of the pictures. You have multiple photos now. Keep showing her a new photo every time you inform her that you have moved or something.
Ya she be cheating
I’d leave and be gone by the time he got back. Screw that, he knows EXACTLY why it wasn’t ok and that’s why he lied to you smh. He knows what he did and what he’s doing. Red flag
….I would consider getting out of there before you get pregnant.
Yeah, choose your own happiness.
I wonder too if they suggested meeting up versus staying with them so that it wouldn’t be weird all of us sleeping in the same house. It wouldn’t be weird for me but I wonder if they have made it out to be weird in their heads
You have “trauma” from people calling you names?
I agree tbh. Last year our relationship was even more rocky tho bc I'd be extremely pushy and kinda inconsiderate about his mental health and feelings bc I just wanted to understand so badly why he was ignoring me. I was kinda obnoxious about it which would lead to huge arguments and just a overall unhealthy relationship, so I've been trying to just step back and let him come to me rather than going off on him trying to get him to talk to me.
I would have slapped his hands away from me the first time he did this and then I would have broken up with him if he kept doing that bullshit. You aren't an object that's in his space for his pleasure. At his age if he hasn't learned that grabbing at women isn't an effective attempt at seduction then I doubt he ever will. You should absolutely leave him not only because he's gross but because y'all have wildly different sex drives and one of you is always going to be feeling under sexed or over sexed and that can't be changed.
Maybe you should ask your husband, “Other than having sex with other people, what else could we do together that would keep our sexual relationship stimulating & exciting and not become boring?”. His answer might surprise you.
Coming from someone (me) who used to wake up at 8.30am, when I lived on my own for the last 5 years, and now gets woken up at 6am by my girlfriend who I’ve moved in with, I count my lucky blessings!
I happily take the 6am wake up to have the privilege of being able to online with her.
She was always waking up at 6am to get the 8am train to work, so I can’t moan.
I’ve literally always been a late riser. A night owl. I’m gutted (in my head) that I don’t get the same lie in anymore but I have a lovely gf in return. So I don’t moan.
A couple of months in I actually feel better going to bed earlier and waking earlier anyway.
why this girl wanted to be with me in the first place
Loneliness
She likes you enough to be with you
But before she vanished with him, you’ve said she says “this can’t happen again”. So was this the 2nd time she’d slept with this guy? Because adults don’t just kiss and cuddle, unless they’re starting dating and contemplating a long term relationship, in which some have a rule of waiting a month or so.
As if anyone comes fresh out of college (I’ve only been out 8 months now) with a high paying job.
In tech? Allllllll the fucking time my man.
Honestly, even if she said now she was willing to take the medication she needs for the rest of her life, there’s a better than zero chance she will go off her meds, either with or without your knowledge. Imagine in 5 or 10 years when you think your life is settled she has another mental break. At that point you have put so much more into the relationship than you have now you may fall into the sunk cost fallacy. If you can’t handle it now, think how much worse it will be if you believe yourself to be trapped. She needs to handle this and if she won’t now, she may never.
You sit your bf down and tell him it's you and his family or his dad. If he doesn't have the balls enough to stop someone from speaking to you in that manner, is that the person you want to spend the next 40 years with?
You probably should watch less porn
You should be thinking of being single again. Try to talk to her first, but 3 times a month at 20 and 23? That is not going to cut it if you have an higher sex drive.
You will start to resent her. You either find commond ground or split now before things get too serious.
Just tell the other couple, in front of your husband, “we are not swingers. Stop suggesting my husband sleep with your wife.”
How would you react if he kept forcing you to give him a blowjob despite you not wanting to give him one.
She’s never apologized for any of the hurtful things she’s said. She has actually said she said those things because she wanted me to feel the same kind of pain that I made her feel over this and then acted like nothing happened a few days later.
Wear fucking kneepads, people. They make them for a reason.
Tried to send you a comment – it refused to go so will send you a short version.
This is all very sad – and I agree that you will split up soon if nothing is done.
However – to me it sound very much that you brought this on your own. You have a very clear line what you want out of a relationship. So in stead of building a true partnership you told him what you wanted – and more or less gave him the line my way. When you do that you are the dominant one in your relationship (the “mom”) and you give the orders. He does not participate as all the stuff is something you dictates.
As he do not care about it he builds up a standard answer – I am dumb and lazy (wonder where he got that line). You have to a large extend freed him from any responsibility. He does what you tell him with a direct order – and does not bother about it otherwise.
I am not sure he will be too unhappy if you brake up – sad – probably – but he is clearly not living the life he wanted.
You decided you were the boss – subconsciously I guess – and now when it is not working you start thinking about where can I find a perfect version of my boyfriend.
If you think that is easy – please go ahead – a handsome, sweet, smart, loyal and at least at work and in his hobbies driven and passionate men are probably very common. (Apart from all the other girls that might think differently)
Sorry about being very blunt – but think it is important to remind you it takes two to tango – and it sometimes is easier to change the steps but finding a new partner. —-
That said – I fully agree that when you are not getting what you expected in a relationship you get hurt. And repeated hurts through the years kills relationships.
His behaviour is not good and although I understand where he is coming from – he is not really making an effort.
I saw somewhere that open toilet covers destroy more relationships then cheating. Although this was not precisely the same case – he is clearly not living up to your expectations in any way or form. If this does not change – I agree – your relationship is doomed.
One thing to remember – the only thing you control is your own behaviour. A second thing is that to do the same thing and expect different results is madness.
So you need to try something new if you do not want just to call it the day and give up. He is clearly stuck in his own loop.
My suggestion would be to clarify to yourself that you have only two solutions.
One is as follows: Do nothing or the same will just kill the relationship – and then you can just as well start planing to stop the relationship now. No reason to continue.
The second is a lot of work: Start rebuilding the relationship. Plan communication dates (not meeting – that will just be bad – candlelight, drink and such) where you agree on open, honest, tolerant, respectful and KIND communication about how to improve your relationship.
Start from a fresh where you accept things are not working but try to figure out why. Do not boss but try to find out his expectations and how he like to have things. Both of you need to WRITE down you expectations to each other, to your self and to the relationship. If you are wildly iff in your expectations then it is lost – however if you can decide on a middle road – you might have a chance. Remember this is a true agreement – so be open – how are you two going to have similar expectations to your relationship.
If you agree about that start in the same way to discuss how you are going to change behaviour to get your outcome. Small things first define them, both suggest solutions (get his first) , write it down and try to implement them. Discuss beat FOLLOW up. If this works – do the next thing and again and again!
Hopefully this can be usefull!
Finally – sorry about being a bit hot in the start – but really you were both part of developing these habits that are killing your relationship.
I hope the best – and finally let me say that I think you sounds like a wonderful woman that really wants all the best for her bf – but got stuck in a hell loop of unfulfilled expectations. We have all been in one way or another where you are. Best of all!
Compare notes with her husband, if she has one.
That'll do it.
I would go ahead and break it up with your girlfriend cuz she doesn't deserve to be in this messy soup you cooked up in your head. Anything after that is up to you but let me ask you this. Who is to say that if you got with another woman, you won't go chasing the next best thing. Are you sure you are in the right state to even be dating at all? Because I don't think so.
that’s a bit harsh dude but thanks for the reply