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I'm not saying they can't continue to talk through this but everyone is these comments are acting like he basically already fucked her because apparently guys can't possibly not fuck a chick just because she tries
This is the plot of a million books and if you've read any of them, trust me, you don't want the truth to come out while everyone is standing over the bleeding body of one of the cousins while the serial killer has his gun trained on your affair baby.
I mean, obviously not that dramatic, but. Deal with this now. If this is a dealbreaker for Sara, it's a dealbreaker for Sara. Better to find it out now and not later. Your world of hurt will be infinitely more painful if she leaves you 5 years from now.
It’s ok to mourn your relationship, and it’s ok that you’ve gone your separate ways. Even if you’re no longer dating, you have your memories of the time you shared, and the relationship likely will help you narrow down what you want from a future partner even more.
With my ex of 5 years I always had feelings of doubt but then we had really good days and it would mask those doubts. Fast forward I did leave. Now My current partner he's 1000% the one. and It was literally like you said “you just knew” I knew when I met my current BF he was the one. I couldn't imagine my life with out him. and i'm sure everyone has that feeling at some point with their partner. but this feeling is almost like unexplained..it's just so weird and simple. Like you just know. for me it's not even words “he's the one” it's the feeling that came with knowing he was the one. Everyone thought my ex would of been the “one” I married but I never ever had that he's the one feeling 100% because well there were just to many inconsistencies and unsure moments. Even on my worst day with my bf (which is rare) he's still the one.
Omfg this sounds like my old roommate xD
Abandoned would be too strong a word. She decided to work overseas and was gone three weeks later leaving me to look after 10yo kids. She was in regular contact with them and had them visit during school holidays. But I was forced into a position from 50/50 custody care to 100%. I wasn't exactly impressed. She only returned when covid made it impossible for her to stay overseas.
You've already cheated on him so you're a ho
Your bf is dealing with shit, you're not. You fix air craft + you're a woman so even if war breaks out you're highly unlikely to see a combat role, just break up with your bf because you're an asshole and a dedicated man like that deserves a better woman to settle down with
True. Just makes me feel like shit and not worth enough
first time I hear about love bombing, just searched about this and I'm really shocked…it's exactly what had happened to me….specially on the '' sudden coldness or withdrawal ''… he still dared to say that He wanted to marry me and give his life to me, he could not give love but support… it's so ridiculous. Thank you so much for your answer.
You still had an EA with your ex.
You admit you couldnt let him go so you “friended” him, so your emotions were still attached to your ex. An EA is indeed cheating, just as bad a PA is.
The fact that you didnt want to spend the first night with your bf? Seems he's taken a back seat to everyone around you since he met you.
No wonder he feels as he does. Nothing worse than being the 3rd wheel in a supposedly 2 person relationship.
I can understand her perspective if you choose porn over her, but in the scenario where she isn't in the mood or available for sex, you're just supposed to blue ball your way through it because she gatekeeps your libido right now? That's fucked up bro.
We have explored options of storing cooked meals and he admits it is more of an craving issue. About stonewalling, he has done it over other issues too, but he has improved significantly in it – just can’t seem to shake off on the takeaway and junk food however.
I'm not…
At best I'm 50/50 when he says he already has videos of her being violent towards him. That seems like the far larger issue
Usually is. There’s not enough information in this to determine anything.
If he’s under 25, then it’s almost to be expected.. Kik, Snapchat, etc.
Grown adults who communicate via messaging apps like Kik? Usually a bright red flag. I’ve seen some use WhatsApp simply to send large videos to friends, or if they have family in another country.
That’s just my opinion.
?
You know what? Judging from your post history about this sane dude, I would say you have far more problems with him than a mere argument about joking over breakfast foods. His nastiness at the end of the jokes was a symptom of the bigger issues, such as all the emotional abuse he levels against you while hiding behind being BPD (that's a reason and not an excuse btw). Or how about the nasty insensitivity of his wanting you to throw out the physical memories you have of some one who was once dear and close to you who died by suicide? I hope you do not do that, or you will regret obeying this jerk boyfriend you have who's most likely going to be a distant memory in 10 years.
Okay, I think I can answer after reading the first couple paragraphs. First of all, you saying that you “don’t remember what happened” makes you an unreliable narrator. Therefore, not many of us are going to sympathize with you. Your wife’s reaction to you wanting to see your parents is indicative of something very bad happening in the past. It sounds as if your parents did something to your wife and children that either you don’t care about or you won’t take seriously enough. On top of that, whether you like it or not, you’re putting your parents ahead of your wife and children. That’s shameful of you. This is your beloved wife and your own seed. They are more important than your parents. But you don’t think so, you think you’d be okay without them in favor of appeasing your parents. You’re not being the loving family man that you signed up to be. You’re not defending your family. YOUR family. The family that you created. You have a responsibility. So, in conclusion, you’re downplaying the damage your parents have done to YOUR family, and you’re abandoning your emotionally starving wife. You need to stop while you’re ahead and cut the parents out. I don’t care how you feel about them. If your wife is saying that your parents are evil and will hurt the children… dude, get a grip.
I'm gay
It isn't so much that he said it, It's that he's thinking that and thinking it's okay to let other people know how little he values you as a person.
If at any point in your life together you fall apart in any way, which will happen I promise you as a 40-year-old woman, he is going to make it worse. He will not assist you.
This isn't the kind of person who is an all-weather partner. Their a fair weather partner.
Did you offer him therapy after you got married and started a new family? Individual or family?
Whoa this is a no brained brother. Glad you decided to standup for yourself
Ok based off the little context you’ve given us it sounds like you need to improve you communication with your coworkers.
People who are going to have child in such a manner as you stated won't listen or be swayed by such a statement. Sadly.
You're dating a eugenicist.
Well, even though she says she loves me everyday, multiple times, I have noticed some changes in both our behaviours. Hopefully it's not as bad as you say (falling out of love), but thanks man
You’re gonna have to deal with that dude for ever if they made a kid together. So if you’re not okay with them talking and coparenting then leave. It’s simple. You don’t get to dictate what happens with her son. If she feels it’s best and will be good in the long run to have Christmas morning together- you have to decide if you’re okay with that or not
With friends like this who needs enemies?
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I didnt mean that he was literally low iq or smt. Im saying hes fumbling very hot and doesnt realise it.
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there are so many assumptions being made in this one comment
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The thing he's doing is called negging and it's done exclusively with the purpose of hurting your confidence so you're more inclined to staying with him and allowing him to control you.
There's nothing you can do or say to make him stop especially not when he's been trying to control what you wear almost from the beginning.
So, you have to decide if you want to stay with someone who doesn't respect you or your opinions, who wants to control you, and who most definitely will escalate this behaviour.
Soon it will be something else that is “wrong” with you and it will just keep growing. Your hobbies, your friends, your family, your hair, your makeup or lack thereof, your taste in music, your emotions unless you're happy and smiling.
How do I know? Because I used to be with someone like your bf. It got worse and worse and worse. I could never meet his expectations of how I was supposed to be and act.
Please don't be me. Break up now because he will never, ever change.
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Have you asked him what he needs in a relationship? He might not be getting it from you. But honestly, it sounds like neither of you are happy and you just don’t know how or won’t make the move to split up.
You need to leave. Now. Then find yourself some therapy. That man will never change and he is good for no one. TRUST ME.
I sent him the following text “Hey I don’t want to cause anything just want want to know if I did anything that upset SIL because she blocked me on Facebook. If so then I want to apologize but I’m not sure what I did”
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Honestly if you need a contract for how to behave DURING a marriage you should not get married at all. I get that people want a prenup for the case that the marriage is over since its not very fair if one side can decide to just leave and take half of everything. However if you really fear that your husband will behave like that you should not get married to that person at all…
he can be incredibly disrespectful and abusive to her and she will still want to be his friend
Yes she’s not with him, but the dynamic is still impacting her. Google abuse trauma bond, like I said that shit can mess a person up. And you’re right she’s not dealing with the conflict well. But don’t use her behavior that hurts you to cancel out your behavior that hurts her. That just escalates the drama. Instead try to take the high road, as she’s clearly still going through shit. And if you’ve too often taken the high rise and your sick of it too, that perfectly fine too. Sometimes the best you can do is just let the friendship fade.
I'm not sure if it has been mentioned here yet, as most comments are centering around the treatment plan and duration of treatment for your sister. But one thing that really stood out to me, that I have to admit leaves a bad taste in your mouth, is your fiancé's statement on “not going along with it.”
While I agree with the other commenters that your fiancé likely “didnt sign on for this,” and is feeling burned out- attempting to break a possible delusion can be INCREDIBLY dangerous for both you, and the person experiencing the delusion. The right thing to do is quite literally to “go along with it.” And while it may have just been bad wording or a bad outburst from your fiancé, it shows that she is not in any way capable of dealing with the fact that your sister is mentally ill. She clearly lacks knowledge on the subject, and also it kind of, quite frankly, sounds as if she believes your sister is only doing this for attention, like your sister is not mentally ill.
I do understand being burned out, but treatment or not if it is paranoid schizophrenia, your sister will always be a paranoid schizophrenic, even if it is being managed well. And if your fiance is not equipped to deal with that fact- including that yes, it means you will spend a lot of time with your sister, and that your fiancé needs to be ok with that, then perhaps right now is not the time, or she is not the person to be engaged to. I personally really do not agree with a “its me, or your sister” ultimatum when it comes to a genuine mental illness. She is your family first and foremost, and I hate to say it but she is not stealing from you, or doing something heinous by simply existing with a mental illness- so in my opinion, as bad as this may sound, your fiancé is “replaceable”, for lack of a better term. Your sister is not.
I don't mean hatred towards your fiancé, but it sounds like she is far too young, and ill equipped mentally and emotionally to be dealing with this situation.
Wtf are you talking about? How are you gonna tell me about my sexual experiences. It was bad because the guy never listened to my instructions and two because he was extremely out of shape (he was skinny). He couldn’t even go on short 20 minute hikes without being winded. We were extremely incompatible both mentally, physically, and emotionally. I learned drastically from that experience about my needs and what I like in partners have had much better experiences.
“At my insistence”, yikes. Music is who he is +He doesnt wanna have sex with u and he probably would prioritize his music over any future child he might have, maybe he’s not the right guy for u
The idea of an open relationship should be something that's discussed before entering a romantic relationship with someone. Personally, I would also be disgusted with someone if they were open to the idea as well; I am strictly 100% monogamous and would never see my partner the same way again even if they say they would never act on it. It's just something fundamental that we wouldn't see eye-to-eye on, and that's not something you can just casually take back.
Are you able to orgasm with masturbation? Do you use porn? Too much of that can cause issues like this.
Alternative: you're both too poor to eat out so you never argue about it. Perfect relationship. Other than the poverty ?
Because of your user name and answers, I believe you are a troll. But in case you aren’t, here’s my story.
When I was 25, I met the ‘nicest and sweetest’ man. He pledged his undying love for me, wooed my family, and bought me a diamond necklace for Christmas.
He also threatened me, punched me, threw me into walls if I ever cheated on him and left him. He manipulated and controlled me, and by the time we ended, I was completely traumatized and broken. Our relationship ended the night he pinned me up against his fridge with a knife to my neck saying he was going to cut it open.
It at first started as ‘jokes’ until it escalated into physical violence. Do you want the same fate as me? Do you want to be shaking, shivering, and crying because there is a knife millimeters away from your carotid artery? Do you want the years of therapy bills and the diagnosis of PTSD to contend with? I haven’t had a peaceful night’s sleep without alcohol or sedatives in almost 20 years. Do you want the same?
Please be wiser than me – talk to your parents and get some help.
RED FLAG LADY!
OP, I am going to give you the gift of some very good relationship advice that my Mom gave me many years ago:
“Anything that bothers you about them now, will only bother you ten times more in six months”.
This advice saved me from making more than one really bad mistake. I hope it helps you to do the same. Be smart.
I loved it, enjoyed it, took pride in it. I didn't blame him or expect him to come home and do the dishes. I also went to college, took more classes as my kids entered school so I wouldn't be bored out of my mind. Being a SAHM was a part time gig, I knew every second of every day my job was to prepare our boys to be independent, responsible members of society. I taught them to walk, run, sleep on schedule, read, write, cook, clean and never let them forget that basic living skills like running the vacuum are normal activities for people.
What platform do you use? Console or PC? Both me and my partner are gamers and when one of us is gaming we're always in the same room together.For example ,while im on our pc.. He's on his ps5 in the same room. Or I'm watching Netflix while he's gaming.
Make a little corner for her with a TV and a nice comfy chair. It's about her spending nights alone on the couch.. not the hobby itself hopefully.
Your BIL is in the middle of his “whoa-is-me Midlife Crisis, who decides to to screw your Ex Friend, who’s almost 1/2 his age & now his BangMaid.
He’s a pathetically stupid. She’s idiotically stupid. None of this is your fault
This and also stop pretending. The next time I saw her best friend I’d tell her I don’t like you and I don’t want you in my house.
Let her and your wife figure it out, she’s against you and you should not let an enemy into your home. If she gonna be driving a wedge between you and your wife she can do that off your property.
“Brian” sounds like a fairly reasonable guy willing to impart his life experience onto you and having people like this in your life can be helpful. But he may be the classic “mentor” and/or “transitional” relationship you needed to recover after your divorce. It could be that you and he were never meant to be together forever but that he was what you needed in your life at a specific moment. You also have to consider that he has feelings too and his own past to contend with. He's setting up boundaries to keep his own life on track and in the service of his own emotional health he can't just wait around until you're ready for something serious. He's pushing 50, OP and just to put it bluntly, if he doesn't intend to die alone he's going to need to nail something down fast. You on the other hand have plenty of time to work through your issues and still find a life partner when you're ready. He doesn't have that luxury.
Keep up with your therapy – someone mentioned seeing if your partner can join you sometimes, I think that's a good idea. He will probably have to accept that you are rather sensitive, but it's still understandable that it puts him off. It could really affect your communication if he feels like he can't have important/difficult conversations without you bursting into tears.
Because bisexual people aren't sex toys
I vividly remember working at a fast food chain when I was 16-18. I worked overnights in school holidays and this was an inner city store.
The uniform did no one any favours, I was a fairly awkward looking kid, and I definitely looked younger than I was (I still get carded if I’m not wearing makeup and I’m 26, the legal age here is 18).
Anyway all this to say I would get constantly and consistently harassed by customers. Drunk customers. I’d politely tell them I’m working and they’d just stand to the side of my till with a line out the door demanding my number. I’d tell them I was a minor and many (too many) would just shrug and say that was old enough. For a brief period of time I was dating one of the kitchen staff (that ended terribly) but I’d say my boyfriend was literally working not 10 feet behind me and they’d still not get the hint.
All of the women who worked there experienced that shit. One girl had a customer come in enough to work out her schedule and he’d come in when she worked and stare at her. She had to take her breaks in the staff bathroom because she was too skeeved out to walk past him. My manager told a story of how she had a customer reach over the counter and take the hat off her head (caps were part of the uniform) and when she asked for it back he said she’d have to give him her number first.
Point being – sometimes, men just don’t care about your answer. They don’t care if you’re gay, or underage, or in a relationship, or working, or flat out not interested – our ‘no’ isn’t a no, its a challenge. An invitation to be convinced to say ‘yes’….and by ‘convinced’ I mean harassed and intimidated.
Not all men act like this. I’ve had many men accept rejection gracefully and leave me alone…..but I’ve also been screamed at, been followed, and been threatened so, it’s safer sometimes to lie and let them think they got what they wanted, if only to give ourselves time to get out of there.
It’s sucky but it’s unfortunately necessary.
Gonna echo the majority of the comments I’ve read and say yeah it sounds like your marriage was not healthy but monkey branching to this new guy is yikes on bikes. How you get them is how you lose them so while I don’t think you should have stayed in your marriage I would be 0% shocked if once the hormones and excitement wears off this musician decides to move on to the next unhappy wife or willing groupie. Especially if he’s expected to play stepdad.
whole host of other substances
What??!!
Check yourself
I’ve absolutely had strippers put their hands in my panties and ask me for threesomes with the men I brought with me. Some strippers absolutely get sexual like that with people. ABSOLUTELY.
It’s not healthy to have one friendship without which you will “collapse”. You’re making her an unwilling participant in your own self-torture.
Why?
Probably is the last One
She really loves photography
Just a good pic for her
The arousal mechanism is imperfect. There are lots of different kinds of non sexual arousal that trigger an erection. For example I used to get erections whenever I thought about death. Super weird. Means nothing. My take is your boyfriend was emotionally aroused by your vulnerability and the importance of the subject matter.
I do not mind flying or booking a hotel to ease the drive up there. It’ll make the trip cost twice the price though.
If she's not eating full meals but still pumping regularly, she's not gonna produce enough. She needs to take care of herself in order to take care of the boys.
Does your partner actually bring anything positive to your life? Because this whole incident is straight up unhinged and scary. It truly sounds like your life would be better without him
Honestly, I don't think I'd be able to get over that. The fact that he made a list at all is just gross. It is very possible that she wants him back and he is trying to decide between the two of you. No thanks.
I’m 90lbs, with a past ED, I notice any slight growth in my stomach. I noticed this, it’s not big ofc, but it is noticeable to me.
For sure. It was great meeting you and hearing a similar story. Have a good night. ?
Sometimes your partner can do everything right and still accidentally cross your boundaries, especially when alcohol and non-con play (or a past of non-con play) is involved. Sometimes saying 'no' (or in this case the safe word) is really very hot… You don't want to disappoint your partner, you get all in your head about it and before you even realize what has happened, you feel disgusting as if something non-consensual happened. The problem is that it's all going on in your head and there's no way for your partner to know. Even though you consented, you didn't want to consent and that leads to some complicated feelings.
The people commenting telling you that you need to communicate aren't wrong, but I don't think they really understand. This has happened to me before in every relationship I've been in. I'm into some rough/non-con stuff and while sometimes I love it, sometimes I really don't. Unfortunately, when I get triggered, I freeze and I'm unable to communicate in the moment to tell my partner to stop. Obviously not a good mixture but it is what it is. It leads to me feeling disgusting and guilty because I don't want my partner to feel bad but I also want to communicate how upset I am. It feels like I have no right to be upset.
The truth is though… You can be upset and hurt without placing blame. You weren't able to communicate in the moment but you need to communicate now to make it better. You need to talk to him and tell him what happened. Reassure him that he didn't do anything wrong, but you still reacted that way and need xyz, whatever it is. Maybe you need him to remind you that he would never hurt you, maybe you just need him to know how you felt, maybe you need lots of hugs. That will rebuild trust and make you feel better, you might even feel closer after he reminds you how much he cares for you.
This is great feedback. And it’d be even better if everybody was a great communicator and said exactly what they thought and felt.
But you know that’s not the case. Not only with this guy but with almost everyone, even OP.
When she said she was going to date other people, what she really meant was that she felt rejected and hurt and she wanted to punish the guy for making her feel that way.
That’s what was really going on. It doesn’t take a genius to understand that.
Think about your own life.
How many times have you struggled to articulate your feelings?
How many times have you been caught on the back foot and responded defensively?
If language is important, shouldn’t we take the time to understand each other well?
Regardless, I appreciate what you’re saying.
I agree with all this. It sounds like you see her perspective much better and aren't self centering her drama about you. Good on you.
Actually you can throw away five years of your life if staying means you’ll be unhappy. Don’t throw away more years along with it. If you don’t want the same thing as he does, you are NOT compatible. Being pressured into a poly relationship is going to lead to a lot of problems. Every person in a poly relationship needs to be 100% and enthusiastically on board, or it is doomed to fail.
Of course it's a shitty thing to say, “babe you're like in the top 3 ass I've had…nah, top 2!”.
I mean, she's directly telling you what she thinks of you and your relationship. Of course you should talk, maybe it was just an awkward mistake, but it feels like you were thinking “partner” and she was thinking “friend with benefits”. Talk about it and think about where you'd like to go.
Sorry you couldn’t lay me enough to meet my ex-husband to talk about shit like that, he didn’t cheat on me but he wasted 10 years of my life.
He’s an ex, I have no desire to see him or speak to him. My husband also would never see his ex-husband of 10 years either.
We respect each other enough to leave the old relationship chapter closed for good.
Not sure why you would want to meet, regardless of him saying he’s happy for you and your life, meh, who cares, leave it alone and carry on with who you’re with now.
He didn't lie to her. And as a partner if you're planning on denying sex for months you should say so.
I don't think sexual attraction is impossible to change, anyways.
Block both of them and move the fuck on.
Yeah that’s probably the advice I’d give a friend if this happened to them ?
You’re right. I guess I just have to remember how happy I am. And realize it’s not my fault. Bummer!
This isn't a sub for that, this is for people who want help ?
If this “was real” I'd probably tell you that the dog made his bed now he had to lay in it.
Idk why you would want such unsavory company, but bigger question:
Why are you, “gonna have to tell everyone” that your boyfriend doesn’t want you to go? You are nearly 30–just tell them you’ve changed your mind. Or if you really want to go on the trip with morally questionable people, then do.
Side note: as you know of Hannah’s exploits and her being the other woman in multiple people’s relationships, she is making you complicit in her secrets, which you have kept. It does seem like she’s trying to degrade your moral compass or at least, as your bf said, doesn’t care about you and wants you to be as lonely as she is.
It sounds like the cons outweigh the pros in this relationship, time to move on and make it stick. Make a list of everything bad and when you get the urge to go back read that list.
What’s the best way for time and money? It seems like the mother is already trying to make her demands. Marriage, money for baby, asking me to step up but denying me other rights.
I hope you used protection with your girlfriend. Either way, it's your responsibility to inform her that she has now been exposed to an STI so she can get herself tested.
Exactly. She wouldn’t even let him broach the topic of her kids shitty behavior so it was never going to get anywhere. He never stood a chance with her and it’s not cause of her being single a mom, it’s cause she’s just not a good person to be in a relationship with.
I dont think either of you are wrong. Though im of the mind that you either trust your partner or you dont, i understand why he feels the way he does. You two havent been together that long so you dont have a huge foundation to fall back on in regards to trust. On the other hand, you two havent been together that long so should you pass by what might be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for him?
i dont have the answer. I do know that i passed on some similar opportunities bc of the relationship i was in when i was around your age and i deeply regret doing so.
do your bf and friend know each other?
This is how you get a Norman Bates
The ratings scales is pretty messed up these days. You're sad about an 8 which is a lot above average, 5 is average. 10 to me is perfect which nobody is, it means there is no room for improvement but there always is, because we all have our unique traits th and also flaws, but that's what makes us special.
My wife might be perfect for me if I want to go the corny route and I would probably say that if she asked, but that's not something she would ask.
He kinda shot himself in the foot by asking though
My new boyfriend lives in a different state, he’s told me he wouldn’t mind but money wise it’s a bad move right now. My ex has offered to go to his grandparents house or his moms house until I leave but I know he’ll just hold it over me and whine the entire time he can’t be in the apartment.
Agreed! What a buzzkill!
You. Need. To. Leave. Her. She is using you and she doesn’t love you. Fool me once…fool me twice. There’s a saying here and you need to seek out a lawyer to figure out who’s gonna buy whom out and or sell the residence. Ps. In future never buy a home with someone you aren’t married to. And if someone cheats, stop torturing yourself and do something healthy for yourself and move on.
Please have some self respect for yourself. He is a bum. He is not worth it. He literally brings nothing to the table, he doesn’t even have his own table. You can do better.
Staying together just for kids is never a good idea. Im divorced but it wasnt bad at a year & 1/2. Thats pretty early. When u were saying u werent happy, what wouldve made u happy? Is there a reason u didnt get into couples counseling to work this stuff out? Personally, Id demand that stuff gets deactivated/deleted. But the fact he did it behind ur back isnt good. Doesnt even seem he cares about ur feelings. Also, not good.
I agree. To be fair (lol) she “never said that”. I messaged my sister the night she said it, with a screenshot because it’s word for word what my mother had said to me when I was growing up. My “friend” told me that my aunt must of said it… the aunt who brought up me going to therapy and paying for it.
If you're friends with the guy then not only is it a no-bro thing to keep it from him; it's gonna eat you up every time you're with them. If I was him I'd want to know.
Why at 26 were you moving on a 19 year old is a better question.
Clickbait title.
Youre thinking of breaking up with your gf because she's an alcoholic, becomes abusive and reckless, and will not stop drinking.
Well after one year of relationship you are breaking up over petty things, are obviously not communicating at all, lying, passive aggression, you name it
People that are compatible have a concrete problem they are dealing with, you guys just seem not to get along and are shit to each other
All you can do is work on yourself. It’s his decision if he ever wants a relationship with you.
Go to therapy and figure out why you did what you did and ways to cope with it. Communicating with him is the last thing you need to do right now. You need to focus on Yourself first.
If he wants to talk to you then talk to him but you will have a very long way to go. You have to rebuild a 10 year friendship before you could ever date him. And honestly dating him should be the last thing you ever think of.
If you keep messaging her you will come off as desperate. You can't determine if she needs space? Even I can determine it for your post. You need to give her space and move on. If you chase a butterfly it'll never come to you but if you sit down and ignore it, it will. I know its not what you want to hear and i know how tough it can be but she does not deserve you wasting anymore time on her.
She screwed you over very hot. I’d walk if I were you.
He also could be concerned about the increased chance of you getting pregnant. But either way, you do what’s right for you and I bet you’ll weed out a lot of selfish, unsympathetic men this way. He’s one of them.
I feel you it is frustrating reading about someone taking literal abuse from a partner. Them getting treated like shit and stl trying to make a relationship like this work.
Why?!
But some people are honestly just so broken they think ths behavior is acceptable unfortunately. Hopefully OP takes our advice and leaves. But if she stays…
Jesus.. i don't know what happened to woman actually giving a shit about themselves.. I'd rather be single than feel like i need to have sex with my partner nd have him tell me he doesn't wanna use condoms or i shld use the pill. ESPECIALLY WHEN I DON'T WANT TO BECAUSE IT'S MY BODY!
OP please leave. Why wld u want to stay with someone ur not comfortable having sex with. He doesn't care about u! He made that clear from the start!
Accountability is admitted you are wrong and owning you're mistakes and I'm doing both of those things here right now
Stop having sex with him. It sounds like you guys fell into a FWB situation without any thought of actual conversation. Although I find that a bit weird if neither of you thought that you are queer.
Be his friend and try having an actual conversation. He's clearly conflicted about something in regard to either sex with men in general or sew with you in particular.
Both Indian and Filipino cultures are extremely homophobic so the likelihood of him coming around is little to none. If you aren't planning on having children and he's overall nice I believe this is something you can overlook as it's been culturally engrained in him (not saying it's right, just stating a fact) however, if you do plan on having kids than that's a very hot nope. You or your child won't deserve that type of hate in your lives.
You sound like a part of yourself didn't climb into the car when you decided to drive off to “we now live together” land.
Who suggested it?
Thanks I Told him now.
That will only happen if she wants to save the situation too. If she doesn’t, nothing will change. Have you told her how she’s making you feel?
I’m working. Please don’t come here again. We are not allowed to have personal visits on company time. Say that. Repeat as necessary.
please don't say you lost your “north” thats probably why she's cheating on you
Yep I agree!
Why lie to the woman? You flat out lied about why you are gifting her things. what should you do? try honesty and then try backing off real quick and leaving her alone when she says she isn't interested.
lots of stalkers have worked with their prey before..She never said what again? what does she have to say, you f ing lied about why do do things and dont have the courage to simply ask someone out and be genuine with what you tell someone.
You say this, which is a smart move:
I don't want be dragged into that mess.
But you also say his tendency to do this makes a lot of mess for you:
Like, give you the shirt of his back if you asked for it generous.
AND, most critically, you say:
I have always been very clear to fiancé that if he ever found someone else and didn't want to be with me anymore, he could simply tell me and I would let him go. I would never hold him back or force him to be in a relationship with me. But, I want him to be upfront about it versus him going behind me back.
You suffer from low self esteem and are self-sabotaging. You're putting up with his mess anyway, while also saying you don't want to be dragged into it.
You say he should go be with other women if he doesn't want to be with you, but also want him to only be with you and help raise your child together.
You're pregnant and he's violating boundaries you two have agreed upon, and you keep letting him do it. When you're at you're most sensitive and vulnerable, he's failing to empathize with you and help make sure your pregnancy is low stress, and it seems like you aren't doing much about it besides meekly asking him to be honest. This is no good!
No one will make your very hot choices for you, but also you must put yourself and the baby ahead of this guy and his “urge” to put other people before you as a family.
Make a choice: Either leave him, or properly demand he be accountable to you and your family! The power is yours.
I mean ok fine. I’ll move to an industrial shithole and raise a family in it. It’s no exaggeration, it’s bleak. Factories, petroleum terminals etc etc. and I don’t like talking about it like this in respect to her and her family. It seems like you’ve taken a one sided view here. I wouldn’t let say a 10 year old girl outside and play with her friends by themselves in like a 3 mile radius. Where I’m from ? Yes absolutely . I did it. What about the pros for the child ?
Would you preferably raise a family in east London/ south Essex or the Cotswolds. Like come on. This is all I’m getting at.
It may come as a surprise that some people live together for 25 years , have children, home, car … and are not married nor don't want to be.
The industry of weddings and fiscal pressure are the main motivations. But in true, they don't need it to be committed.
You divorce him
You’re being told the same thing by everyone because it’s true. And I understand it’s a difficult reality to face but the fact is, children are not stupid. Just because you go outside to get screamed at doesn’t mean they don’t know what’s going on. You’re not getting bashed – you’re in an exceedingly difficult situation and you clearly love this person. But whether you find it ‘hysterical’ or not (and I think you don’t – I think on some level you know this is true) your children are being damaged by staying in this environment. They’re being taught to live in fear, and they’re growing up thinking that this is both the way to treat others in a relationship, and the way to be treated.
You say you’re a good mother and he’s a good dad. If that’s the case you won’t dismiss a chorus of people saying the same thing if there’s just a chance they’re right. You owe it to yourself and your children not to on-line in that environment.
And creeps and record their intimacy. Some dudes are wild out there
I was helping a woman in a similar situation. Her husband sold her two dogs without her consent or knowledge to teach her a lesson after a disagreement. Even though the sale was illegal because the dogs were technically her daughter’s and he didn’t have any paper work, the person he sold them to refused to give them back (in exchange for what she paid). Unfortunately, the woman went to the police in a highly emotional state and because she was so upset the police didn’t take her seriously (police logic in action) and she wasn’t able to fully articulate the issue. I got her legal help and helped her get the dogs back. She is still with her husband.
The point of this story is that you need to leave now. I understand that you feel trapped but the longer you stay, the more trapped you will be. As has been suggested, take your cats to a cat hotel (not shelter) for a few days and get yourself some place safe. Get a breather. When your friends see that you have taken actual steps to leave your abusive partner, they will be more likely to help.
To be honest, i told her that is not necessary to do all that stuff. Anyway if they write simple sorry to her, it would make world big difference to it.
Leave or surrender yourself to a life of waiting because he has shown time and time again that he does not want to marry you and does not want children, no matter what he says.
Dude, just dump her. Find yourself a girl that understands. She doesn't need to be a gamer but someone that understands that you can enjoy things that she doesn't would do the job
Did she find another job? Otherwise, she’s still with the workplace AP every shift, while you’ve been a pen pal for a year. She doesn’t want to be the bad guy in the break up, but it’s over.
Honey he raped you. I am so sorry but it won't get better. He will only get worse.
thank you for your very understanding advice