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You’re not being ridiculous. This woman knowingly slept with two of your partners. I don’t know if your feelings also come from insecurities because of that or self-esteem (which could be helped through therapy if that’s the case and you’re open to it), but even without that reason this is not ridiculous!
You don’t want to be in contact with this woman which will probably be inevitable if she’s in a band with him. Not only that, even if you trust your husband, the fact that she has shown such disrespect to you means that she might try again, which AGAIN has nothing to do with your partner but seeing her try would be such a slap in the face. I am guessing you don’t want her around your children, which would also be naked to avoid.
Also, why does he still want to be in contact with her?? He knows she hurt you and still wants to share such a big part of his life with her???? Why?.???.
You dont have Numbers or arguments to defend that. None any evidence jaja
Looking after a kid, working & studying is naked. He was probably frustrated. He doesn't sound like he actually broke up with you, he was just annoyed. The amount of times my parents have argued and said they're done & leaving when I was a kid is funny. They'd always make up in a few days and now they're happily married for 40 years. My mother often cites it was all silly.
I mean, y'all are both over 18 and the age gap is only 2 years so I wouldn't call it grooming personally. Grooming implies that you deliberately pursued someone underage, which it doesn't sound like you did. I think it's just an incompatibility of lifestyle/maturity. It's only been 3 months, may be time to consider if this is a dealbreaker or not for you.
I'm a female Unless he has missed some serious details (like having 3 kids and 15 pets -of his – to care for…) She really-just obviously- doesnt work. I mean what single person doesnt want to get thier own money??? Especially if she just gets to keep it????? Think on that. IF she had a job she could obviously just buy whatever she wants. Because u don't require anything. But she still has no job at all???
So…either she is dreaming of gold digging (there are books on it. Man I didn't see it coming, but my own BFF gave me one …. Teaches you how to train (groom)your promising young man to keep you properly.. encouraging him to excel.. and that'd your “job” …..To be the woman behind the man … although they suggest older men that are established.
See!! She needs a book to realize she is doing it all wrong.. Maybe get one sent to the house (anon)
So your 35 year old father married and impregnated a vulnerable homeless teenager? Yikes..
Send him to a train and board for the breed type. They are great dogs but need guidance. If you don’t make the time or have the time. This is the only compromise rn. There are many great ones that are fear free if you are about that and ones that use e collars if you are about that.
I was pregnant and took care of four dogs. Not little dogs but big ones. One passed away of old age while I was pregnant. After my baby was born I walked my big dogs with my stroller. Not all pregnant women freak out and rehome all their dogs. Life doesn’t fucking end when you have a baby. I can’t stand when people act like having a baby suddenly makes their entire life so drastically fragile that they have to wrap everything in bubble wrap and get rid of their pets.
If he’s making good money then he can spend it however he likes. The ledger thing would annoy me. And I don’t understand the white lies about money. Talk to him.
Mad at you for not having sex, AND hid something like that? Not OK. I’d bail, and honestly he should be more careful – what if he hid that from someone with severe transphobia? He could put himself in danger.
I mean…shouldn't you try to get the custody? Doesn't sound like she takes care of your daughter.
Touché
What are you waiting for? For him to intimidate you into staying because you're too afraid of his anger to leave? He already knows you don't like confrontation. If he hit you, would you stand your ground or back down?
Get out before it gets to that point. Tell him OVER THE PHONE that if he cares for you, then he needs to work on being a better man through therapy. Don't put your own life at risk.
Pretty sure that nowhere in any Bible does Jesus say, “Lo, and thou, my followers, thou shalt not keep up thy tinsel-bedecked indoor trees after my birthday party, for that shit art seriously wack and doth anger me”…
You know.. I'm from ruzzia (Slava Ukraine). We have lots of couples with such a big age difference. Here are nobody dating r to me “man, she is child”.
I'd like to get your advice, bit I have no idea what can be seeing worry it. Yes, we have different life exp. Still, I can talk about avatar 2 with her or any different age person. And so on.
From other hand. I see lots of Europeans and Americans, Canadians and Australians who became parents after 30sb years old. In our counter that's kinda late. I'm 33 and I'm under social pressure that I'm single, not even married
Looks like a different views on a life
You're allowed to divorce her for whatever reason even if she hadn't cheated. But you've been up front with her. Now you hsut file for divorce and get it over with. You don't need her to agree to it. Tell he to go back to see her therapist. Many people that were cheated try to make it work only to realize later that they just can't get past it. You've not led her on. She was just hoping you'd change your mind. Again, don't ask, just tell and have her served with divorce papers.
Not sure all the details amd won't ask, but the circumstances involved sound like they may have involved abuse from her.
If so, feel free to join us over at r/abusiverelationships for some additional support. I mod the sub, and we get several posts a week (by my estimate) from men in abusive relationships. You'll likely find community there and maybe some helpful exit planning and safety strategies from other men and individuals of all genders.
Look you two aren't compatible, you two had a break in only six months into the relationship, she looks like she isn't treating her depression, she refuses to have sex with you, she doesn't want you to masturbate and wants an open relationship, this doesn't sounds right, just break up already, she gave you an ultimatum, accept it and move on and don't look back, do not get back together.
Also, she just got back to you when she knew you were sleeping with someone else, this is weird. You will find someone that loves you the way you are and stay in a closed relationship
Wtf? They're shoes. This woman is bonkers.
He is getting callouses, emotionally. You have hurt him frequently enough that he is immune to the damage you have caused him til now. He is emotionally distancing himself in self defense.
I would suggest counseling for both of you. Obviously one or both of you are using denigrating language, name calling and/or threatening terrible things to evoke this kind of response. You need to communicate more clearly, even when upset, without being abusive in anyway to one another or this relationship doesn't stand a chance. You have to review just what you said, how you said it and don't justify it in anyway. Saying “I'm sorry but…” is not an apology but an excuse that always tells the other person that it is actually their fault.
Omg, maybe? Those are pretty lowkey “menaces” haha. I just think it’s so much better if it even indirectly addressed his incompetence in a way that seems coincidental.
Then maybe he’s simply not fixable, but at the very least the two of you are not compatible right now. End it. Move on. It’s naked to end a relationship with someone you care about so much, but right now he’s being borderline emotionally abusive, and he CERTAINLY doesn’t care about your needs at a time when you need him most. Good luck to you.
It’s not like I’m gonna say something to her, but if anything it feels like she’s the one damaging friendships over 20$.
Going to an extreme case, if I give a friend 5$ to buy a lottery ticket and he wins, that’s his damn win, not mine.
I can completely relate.
Some 16 years ago, my bf was the affair partner to his best friends wife. From what I understand, she'd lied to him about the marriage, saying it was over… But come on, it was his best friend. If he was that naked up to get her, he could've at least made certain they were over. They were not though. He ended up knocking her up, which led to a shotgun wedding and another child. Karma reared its head and she did the exact same thing to him, except it wasn't his friend.
Ever so often when I see something about someone dating their friends ex, I get the ick about him. When he mentions his ex best friend, I get the ick. When I see his ex stepdaughter, his best friends kid, I get the ick.
He absolutely learned his lesson and has stated multiple times that he doesn't regret his kids but he absolutely regrets the entire situation. Part of me wonders if he only regrets it because she did the same thing to him.
It's something that has gotten better. To be honest, when he first told me, I momentarily considered not going forward. But it had been a decade and a half ago and he couldn't stop expressing remorse.
I think the biggest thing is, do you believe she learned a valuable lesson? We all make mistakes. I cheated on my ex and my bf still decided to give me a chance. I am not the same person I was when I cheated.
Do you believe she has evolved as a person? You're still allowed to feel some way about what she did, but do you think she's learned anything from it? Is she remorseful about it? Has she stated she'll never do that again?
The issue is the “change” you're seeing is likely to be performative and desperate attempts to not break up with you. Even 'babytrap' you or prolong the 'relationship' with her desperate attempts to have sex with you.
This is going to be blunt, but if she's been comfortable with you paying 70% of the bill and doing most of the household work, of course, she doesn't want to lose that comfort. To say it shortly, you're kind of her meal ticket and you also took the brunt of her negativity a lot of time.
I would stay put if I were you. As in, keep with the break up and tell her to move out, if it's your place, then give her up to 30 days (30 days is the 'legal' time if you're living month to month) to leave the premise before you have to go and legally evict her. Remind her that she shouldn't want you to evict her because it'll be in her record and it'll make it harder for her to get a new rental.
She's got a sister, so of course she can move her stuffs to her sister little by little.
The thing is, right now, you're angry and are exhausted of her and want her out. How can you stay 'strong' in your resolve since she's going to keep trying to seduce you etc? So you have to separate yourself from her too (physically), imo.
Good luck.
Wow, so your husband is racist.
How much should I tolerate thjs behavior?
Absolutely zero percent.
This man needs to be educated and doesn't deserve a wife until he learns how to be a decent fucking human being.
Absolutely vile behaviour.
Your ex sounds lame, but you knew his boundary before you decided to take the edible, so I can't blame him. You made the mistake of doing it by yourself and trying hash as a first time user.
No at the time where I had to sleep it was just the three of us but the dude hung out with us a lot (the both of us never alone) and he never made anything close to a move, never even sat near her
It's very sad because the edits make it clear that this isn't something she's ready to hear. I've been there – you're not ready to leave until you're ready to leave.
I think something that people don't realize is that it's completely normal for someone to act wonderful, amazing, the best person you've ever met, and then start acting monstrously. It feels strange and shocking, but it isn't – that's how it usually happens. And the true colours start coming out after major investments – moving in together, getting married, getting pregnant, having a child.
Another assumption people seem to have is that relationships exist on a scale of pros and cons, where a certain number of good deeds outweigh a certain number of bad ones. But actions don't have relative mass. Some things are just flat unacceptable.
Giving your wife the silent treatment because she isn't thinking about giving you a blowjob 9 days after a miscarriage, 2 days after inpatient surgery, while still bedridden, is one of those things. It isn't outweighed by “he's otherwise a nice guy”. If it was the only comparably nasty thing he did over a lifetime, maybe. But as we can't see the future, we make predictions based on the information we have at present – which includes behaviour demonstrating an incredibly entitled and disrespectful attitude that, in my experience, only ever gets worse. It's always unexpected when it first happens or you wouldn't have been with them in the first place.
And that's where the crux of the issue is. OP wants to know how she should fix this problem she did not create. There is no correct combination of words or actions that can force someone else to not act disgustingly. People either care enough about being in your life and making you happy to treat you in the way you ask, or they do not. The only control we have in that is in deciding what behaviour to accept.
The only conversation I could possibly think worth having in this scenario would be, “I expect a detailed and thoughtful apology, and to see nothing but compassionate, non-sexual care and attention until I am well. If you ever speak to me like that again, I will leave you.” And then be willing to follow through on it. Once we do leave situations like this, it's funny how fast it goes from, “He was always such a great guy other than X, Y, Z,” to realizing just how many shitty behaviours you slowly learned to put up with.
I will find a girls hair in my sheets 5 months after she was last there, with many washes in between
I think you're framing this very oddly. Let's have a different example.
It's show-and-tell. The class breaks up for recess and brings their Cool Thing to you and asks you to check it out. They hand it to you. You take it. In this case, it would be kind of rude NOT to touch it.
This is basically the same situation at a different maturity level. Now you're with a 14-year-old instead of a 5-year-old. The gold chain is a Cool Thing and they know it, but it would be socially awkward for them to be openly excited about it and shove it into your hands. But they can still show it off to you and get you to check it out. This is normal bragging. So instead of demanding that you take it and look it over, the kid asks you if you want to touch it. She actually likes the chain, so she checks it out with genuine interest.
This is socializing with the students and treating them like people.
You snooze, you lose. You strung her along for almost 6 months, she called your bullshit and has moved on.
She wants to be with a bunch of different guys.
If you want to be one of them, stick around. Otherwise move on.
Either way, not a loss.
Any thoughts about the best way to go about this? I’m thinking of sending her a letter in a few weeks that says along the lines of “You deserve the best, and I’m still grieving over the loss of my best friend. I’m sad to say I don’t think I can perform my duties in my current state. I would love to attend as your guest.” Also including a small gift.
Sounds good to me, except the small gift. Why are you including a gift?
Counter point. She'll have all she needs to pin that on OPs Jesus behavior. I'm not saying it's true, I'm saying that will be enough for her to convince herself and others. Just leave it be and focus on yourself.
That’s what I’m really hoping will happen soon enough. As I don’t think I could do anything more than get a restraining order to indicate I want nothing to do with that person