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True, but if he could quit tomorrow to pursue his passion like OP has done he probably would
OP, I’m guessing this is the first time you’ve been in this kind of situation. It sounds like your mind may be fixated on your imagination about her having sex with another dude in that bed. Your brain might be processing these images as if they are in the present even though you know it’s a past event. Every time you think about it, it can feel as though they just had sex or it’s in progress. You probably don’t like the feelings that accompany this pattern of thoughts, and it can feel like you are stuck in a loop. So you are trying to avoid thinking about it by avoiding the bed itself. That’s only a short term fix though, and it’s going to cause more problems than it solves.
You could try to short-circuit the thoughts and images by overloading them. Start imagining her having sex with that dude in the car, her living space, the kitchen, etc. Then ramp it up to imagining them having sex in the most ridiculous and impossible places, like the middle of a grocery store, on the moon, middle of a restaurant, etc. My hope is that this mental exercise will de-sensitize your brain from the images so you no longer have the accompanying emotions.
Now, if you emotionally can’t handle the above exercise, another method involves changing the ending. Imagine that you are in the past with her. You are standing just outside the door and she’s in the bed with the dude but they haven’t had sex yet. You open the door and interrupt them. The dude runs out of the room and leaves forever. And she says, “I’d rather be with you.” Then the two of you have sex. This fantasy will give your brain the outcome it needs to witness so that the bed is no longer a trigger for the feelings you are trying to avoid.
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Oh wow, so interesting and helpful, thanks so much!
He works very early, I stay up later. He refuses to silence his phone notifications at night and I prefer quiet. I like to read, he likes dark. We had an extra bed so it was just easier. We don't sleep apart every night but most nights we do. No sex has been due to random things. Lack of interest on both sides. Never home for him. Menopause and back surgery issues for me.
Crazily enough, it does not usually extend beyond the bedroom. He’s so respectful and attentive usually in daily life. I feel things won’t change though sexually so I totally agree with you… Like open relationship type of thing ?
If it’s not an insecurity issue, what would you define it as OP?
Let me translate it for you. She wants to bang other dudes while you are there to maintain the emotional and financial benefits she is already enjoying. She is not poly, she just wants to fuck around. Cut your losses OP and run.
You’re not on the same page about your future. One of you has to give up what you want and all that’s going to do is build up resentment.
I’m not sure I’d be dating someone who still lives at home at 31 with no desire to move out. There are obviously exceptions to that, but it sounds like she’s displaying an amazing lack of maturity.
You know the answer.
That’s no excuse. Do you think it’s ok for women to be forcibly circumcised just because it’s a Muslim thing? Beating people with a broom is wrong. Blaming victims of sexual abuse instead of the abuser is wrong.
He's been this way since Day One. He is this way now. He will continue to be this way. It will not change – and it sure won't change because there's no reason for it to: you say yourself Ive always had to back him up financially.
You thought people moving would change his spending habits? His spending of your money?
The best thing I'd suggest is: Lock down your credit, before he starts taking credit out in your name. Now that you are married (depending on jurisdiction) his debts are yours – congrats.
Separate your finances. Get him off your accounts. Save every penny you can. Meet with a financial advisor/CFP with him. If he won't go, meet with an attorney.
Do not do not have a child with this person.
Good luck OP.
Who has 18 soccer jerseys?
I’m this case, the government can claim they were defrauded.
It’s not like in a personal injury suit where someone has to get hurt. Different set of rules apply here.
I really don’t know how you can lay this all out, proofread it, and still think you’re the good guy here. What a warped self perception.
Are you always so hostile with your responses? I said it’s my instinct to want to, not that I disregarded and did otherwise. Merely looking for advice on the best approach for someone’s wellbeing. Many studies suggest isolation is quite dangerous.
sure but it’s not a “right” to then upload that person’s image to the internet without consent, and like i said, many people have had legal success in the courts in pursuing not only removal of content but damages from having their image used without consent …. and don’t tell me to cite my sources if I wanna continue. you are NOT my teacher. you are a redditor.
Honey if you can’t even talk to your partner about your feeling, what on earth are you doing procreating with him?? He’s being controlling and manipulative and does not sound like someone who should or could be a father, seeing as he is incapable of allowing you to make your own damn decisions about your own damn body.
girl you’re almost 40. Do better for yourself and speak up. Play an active role in your own life instead of this reactionary nonsense. It’s your body, your womb, your health…where the FUCK does he get off trying to tell you what you need to be doing?? Take some of my anger and direct it right as his sorry ass.
You’re not his brooding mare you’re his goddamn wife. How DARE he act like this to the person he’s supposed to love. You tell that man to clean his shit up or the only thing he’ll be getting is a divorce. Don’t you dare let him manipulate you into making decisions about your body. You’re stronger than that.
Yea of course tinder could be hacked but if there is multi-factor authentication it makes it way less likely. Why would someone hack your partners account and then give out his phone number and snap chats? The fact that he has been talking to girls about the same fishing he has been taking to you about serves as it’s own verification it’s him sending these messages and proves he is full of it
Helllll no. She should not have anymore kids. She's gonna sell that baby.
I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming he means the people specified on the list, and not just the race.
This may not be your style, but…
If I were you I would up the ante. Have a “clown wife” in full regalia waiting at the entrance. IF he shows up in his “funny clown outfit” you will be prepared: his new clown wife has already been hired to take him on a special clown date, which is decidedly not your wedding.
Should he get uppity and insist on entry to the wedding (which seems likely), have strict bouncers in place.
Our interpretations are just different. You take my statement as “you’ll get comfortable blowing the next, more patient guy” I mean it as you deserve to find someone who is patience enough to experience this with you on your terms/time.
This experiences has taught me to be more clear and concise with my words. I still don’t think we disagree, our communication styles and how we interpret things are just different. Bottom line is op deserves better and it’s clear we can agree on that.
Thank you for taking the time to help me understand your perspective!
I didnt think she was the one or anything but we got along so well, or so i thought. She told me she wants to enjoy her life and experience new things and meet new people. Kinda hoping it was due to her starting to like me that she felt the need to no longer message me.
He’s not your friend
Some people don't view sex the same was as other people. Not naked to understand. Some are perfectly content with expression through sex.
UpdateMe!
You break up because you are fundamentally incompatible.
Why are you still with this person? If he was into you he wouldn't be still looking.
Jesus Christ I’m so sorry. That’s just shocking.
Jesus Christ I’m so sorry. That’s just shocking.
You're 28. You know what to do. Leave! He's an asshole and you allow him to treat you like shit.
So the man you thought you were marrying is not the actual man you married. And he refuses to change.
It’s ok to end things when you see the contents don’t match the packaging
Hmm, well what's your gut telling you? Do you still want to talk to her about this? Try to find out where you went wrong? I doubt it's because of sex as that's sometimes normal in a relationship for one to have higher sex drive than the other but it wasn't a friends with benefits kind of thing. You loved her and she supposedly loved you. Why didn't she try to have a conversation about how she's feeling towards you rather than dropping the I don't feel attracted to you anymore so let's end it here. She ended the relationship based on being drawn to someone else and lack of physical chemistry between you two.
I highly doubt he cares about you at all. you're being used and disrespected. Doing it daily if that's what you're into is great but if not then it's not normal.
why are you dating someone that is financially illiterate?
I’d end it and let his gym know he’s being inappropriate with clients but that’s just me
dawg why do you care?
your blood does not define who you are or who your family is (beyond a scientific meaning). be happy she was able to get to a point where she could have kids she could actually take care of. be happy your adoptive family loves you. there's no need to get lost on all this noise man.
He is taking anti depressants but it was an issue prior. He is straight and attracted to me. He tells me all the time and when we do have sex, he tells me he likes how I look. When I put on my suits in the morning before work he gets handsy. He eats healthy and is healthy. Strong, clear skin, energetic. Nothing wrong. He doesn't masturbate or watch porn. He won't be able to do it secretly because I'm always home. Maybe there's nothing wrong idk. I think sometimes it's a confidence thing. We were doing the attachment style quiz and he landed in anxious attachment style like me. That surprised me because he seems to have his together. But I can tell he struggles sometimes. He's not big on sharing how he feels and when he does it's not clear. Both of his parents are a little dismissive so I don't he grew up talking about that stuff. I'm extremely good at communicating my side but not good at pulling it out of him.