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Sorry, but time for a better GF!!
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
I have a group of girlfriends who I will call “The Squad” [25F, 29F, 30F, 34F, 40F]. 5 of us have known each other for 2.5 years, see each other once or twice a week, and talk in our group chat daily. We have even taken international trips together. The last girl, “Beth” [32F], moved to our city this summer and we've known her for a few months.
One of the Squad members, “Sarah” [40F] had cancer last year and is now thankfully cancer-free. During her treatments I drove her all over town (she doesn't have a car), arranged activities for her to get out of the house and to celebrate the end of her treatment, Sarah wanted to honk a horn on a navy ship (she's really into naval history). I'm in the Navy and put Sarah in contact with someone at my job who ran one of our ships as a museum.
Sarah finished her treatment in October and we had a big dinner celebration but I didn't hear about the ship situation until yesterday, when Sarah sent me a GIANT text message telling me that she was doing her horn honking ceremony today and it was totally last minute because she just found a ship (I don't know if it's mine, but she thanked me for calling around for her) and she was really sorry I couldn't be there but they would only let a few people on board. I said that was fine and I'm glad she got to do her ceremony.
I found out after that she invited ALL of our “Squad” except me. I asked her why I was the only person excluded and she gave me a long list of excuses that made no sense – like “logistically” it was easier to bring the other girls, she could only bring a select few (but brought everyone else), etc. I asked why Beth was invited instead of me if she had a guest limit, simply because Beth couldn't be there in the same way for her that the other girls could because we just met her a few months ago. Sarah said she and Beth had been friends for “a while” (I introduced them) and she hoped I could be happy for her and accept that it wasn't an easy decision and she said “maybe I just shouldn't have told you anything.”
I accept it was her decision and I'm really happy that she is better, but I am SO hurt that I was the only person left out. Her excuses keep adding insult to injury because they make zero sense and Sarah obviously just invited the girls she preferred to go and won't own it. I'm not mad at all but I also clearly overestimated my place in this group/our friendship. My feelings are just really hurt.
I cancelled on a Squad potluck tonight and the girls keep trying to talk about it with me. I don't want to talk to them about it – I don't want to talk about being upset with Sarah behind her back, and honestly I don't have anything to say? It is what it is. All the girls are sending me texts saying “I know it sucks to be left out but this is about supporting Sarah. You should be happy for Sarah.” I am very happy for her, but I'm also not going out of my way for her/them anymore. I can be happy she's better while also not ignoring what it means to be the only girl left out.
How do I handle this delicately? I don't want to see them right now. I don't want to go to this dinner tonight and cry in front of everyone. I'm sure the hurt feelings will subside, but I also feel like a second-string friend. Also, all the girls want to talk to me but jump straight to telling me I need to be supportive of Sarah (ignoring the fact that I supported her for years and organized this boat).
tl;dr Friend invited everyone in our group to an important event except for me. I am really hurt and want to avoid them for a while, but they keep trying to talk to me and defend the friend. How do I handle this?
Let me address one small detail about your situation that might help to clarify something. You refer to having discovered that your wife is a “lesbian.” It’s a common assumption, especially among straight people, that there are these categories, “gay,” “straight,” etc. and that everyone fits into one of those categories, then behaves in a way entirely consistent with that category. Those categories are quite recent inventions and do not describe or encompass the complexity of human behavior. The fact that she might be interested in woman doesn’t mean she’s not interested in men, or not interested in you. It’s entirely possible that she wanted to have sex with you, and still does, even though she is also attracted to women. She’s not a category, she’s a person and people are complicated.
In other words, recent events do no mean that your marriage was somehow fake, or that she doesn’t care about you, or that she was somehow forcing herself to do something she hated when she was having sex with you. It doesn’t even necessarily mean that divorce is inevitable. Even if your post you say that she said she’s afraid of losing you. You obviously care about her and, from your post, it certainly seems that she cares about you. Neither of you wants to hurt the other. At some point you’ll need to sit down and have a chat with her, listen to what she’s going through and the two of you can decide on how best to proceed.
I dated a guy for about 5 years who had only had sex once or twice before me, and by 4.5 years in, he had escalated what he wanted from our sex life. He wanted to experience more sexual partners, or was bored with me (despite saying yes to almost everything), and wanted to open the relationship. I ended it with him eventually, and had to talk about the experience a LOT in therapy. My current bf was a virgin when we got together, and I have never once wanted to open our relationship or have sex with others (over 5 years now). Sex with him is about feeling good, of course, which we figured out with each other over time, but it's also about being close to him, and loving him more than anyone in the world. Your bf sounds like my ex, who was far more interested in his physical pleasure than mine, my feelings, our relationship, etc. Let your bf go fuck other people, permanently. You deserve a better partner.
Why are you acting so controlling , one drink is below the legal limit
He did earn it though. It took him years of tries and apparently quite a bit of effort to get invited from what he is saying. Tries and effort you have not put in, and are then dismissing it to his face because of his race.
Don't let your jealousy get in the way of your (and his) happiness. He seems to be in the right (if one could call it that) on this one, and you are not. You should have communicated your feelings in a more mature and constructive way.
I’m certain that R is truly in the process of divorce, and I’ve seen proof that would eliminate those doubts. We talked very openly about the divorce and how it affects him when we first became involved. I am also certain that the woman/women in question are not his wife.
I understand what you mean concerning the age gaps, and I do appreciate the concern, but I would prefer the advice to be catered to the issue I’m presenting here. Younger women have never been a pattern in either of these guy’s romantic pasts, and I have been the outlier in both situations. While I was involved with these guys, I never once felt preyed upon concerning my age, whereas with other older men I’ve talked to briefly before, I definitely felt the fetishization of wanting to be with a younger woman. Those situations went nowhere once I sensed that.
I have gone many through things in my life and have held certain responsibilities and obligations that have put me in a different frame of mind compared to other early twenty something’s, but I do understand how the ages may be a source of concern for many. That’s just not the advice I’m asking for here.
Personally, I think you did yourself a disservice by leaving it up to her, being all “You can be with him for one night, maybe, I'm not sure how I'll feel…”
You were allowed to draw a line here. Why didn't you?
Well, if there have been no kisses after 4 months of dating, I think you are both wasting your time.
I’m sorry. it this guy is not relationship material. He is never gonna be ready for anything because his mother controls him. You are in a bad relationship with 3 people – you, boyfriend and MIL. I hate to tell you but it sounds like she will win every time. I would GTFO now. Run like the wind from this situation. If you want the baby and can afford to keep it do. If you can’t make the decision for yourself not to please him ( his mother). He is never gonna marry you and if you stay in this disaster of a relationship you will only get pain.
How am I a shit boyfriend? I'm trying to help my gf. Pple like you ruin it for everyone on reddit.
Don't get too caught up in the age gap. If you like the guy and are enjoying yourself its fine.
I can picture them asking each other why he didn’t go and his friend saying oh because she came and her feeling empowered/flattered and everyone thinking she has that much power in my relationship.
She does have that much power in your relationship. You gave it to her by forcing you boyfriend to remove her from his (and by extension, mutual friends) life. You let her actions impact it.
You could have just dealt with your boyfriend's actions. Then told him it was his choice, and if he ever acts on any of that shit, you're gone forever. Then decide to truth him, as that's what relationships are built on. But you didn't, which means you are insecure that he would leave you for her. So you did exactly that, you gave her power over the relationship.