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I'll get a lot of flack for this. I dont think this will be the general advice, but weighing everything up, having lost a lot of people I think I'd suggest the following:
Remove yourself from her life, really and truly. If you liked her less you could keep her around, but this is causing you pain. So help yourself by giving yourself the physical space to get over this – but before you go, write her a nice letter explaining politely what you are about to do, and tell her why. Explain, succinctly that you find you've developed feelings here and since she is in a committed relationship it's better for you both to put some space between you,out of respect for her relationship and your emotions.
I honestly cant see a damned thing wrong with telling her,so long as you are quick about it and do it in a gentlemanly fashion.
Dont ask her to consider you, dont gush, just tell her that you're cutting contact out of respect and here's why. Keep it short and simple and then follow through. No hanging around to grab coffee, no more texting, nothing. Cold turkey. Get out of her life completely. Mourn it, go be sad somewhere in the mountains for a week or two, but follow through.
She will most likely move on with her life. Hopefully you will too. But you will both be doing so without regret in terms of 'what ifs' – if shes as good a friend as you say, then she deserves the truth, and you deserve to be understood.
If there is even a slight chance that her current chap is not actually the man for her then she will know where to find you.
But go forward assuming that it's over and you are moving on. It's the healthy thing to do for you.
A lot of folks will tell you that you shouldn't say anything, and if you were going to make a nuisance of yourself then that would be good advice. However you are adults and she ought to be able to deal with a circumstance where someone has feelings that she cant return, calmly and with grace. If you're removing yourself from the situation then it's fair enough that she hears the truth. Good luck. I'm so sorry its come to this.
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Even if I went to some form of counseling? Thank you for the helpful comment
I think i pretty much explained it in the text but here you go. – So he is at work, and talks about how he cant shit because his diet or what and then another poop talk (while he is at work) so i told him i am not interested in this poop talk, and he asked me if i want a photo (of the poop ofc) and i said no. I guess that was a joke.
Later in the day, him still at work sending me photo of a cake (he was eating a cake that was brought by his coworker ) and i said “oh what a nice cake, where is mine” and then his response came “i thought you didn’t want a photo “ which he referred to that poop.
I already had many conversations with her about all the questions that you mentioned. First of all, she didn’t realize what she had done to me. Our relationship is a textbook of a narcissist mom and her daughter. She is self-centered and she consider me as her extended self. She was happy and busy with her social life, so she assumed that all was good. When I explained what she did to me (it was funny that she didn’t even realize that I never had my birthday party) and their repercussions to my life, she was shocked from her realization but after a couple of weeks, with her amazing optimistic mind which is one of the characters of a narcissist, she rationalized her deeds and got over with it. She didn’t want to talk about it any more and asked me to get it past and to think more about my future. Again, it’s impossible for a narcissist to emphasize with others. I learned that I cannot make her to understand me. It’s just impossible.
ESH Yes, she is an adult at 25, but she is still your daughter. And you took family trip, excluding her and making her feel as if she is not family. Yes, adults should stand on there own 2 feet, but if she didn’t get to experience these things when you are all you get she might have still liked to have gone now. The experience could have helped to form stronger bonds. She will always be your child regardless of what age she is.
Ok
So I cant say definitively that they know forsure that I am not expecting anything in return. I can say that they do know the type of person I am. They know full well what kind of person I am. They had me help them with stuff before and I openly declined payment after they insisted. They know that I'm always buying things for friends they know that I'm the type that puts friends first. And I have never asked them for anything in return or anything at all to begin with.
I can completely understand being uncomfortable but the part that bugs me about that is why tell me on christmas that they liked it that they will be using it and appreciate it but have a complete change of tone a month later randomly out of the blue.
I would not be happy about that. I would have a convo with him that sex requires consent. No one is drunk, no one is high, no one is asleep, no one is sleep walking, no one ‘accidentally’ goes in the wrong door. Any further instances of him doing sexual things while I can’t or didn’t consent would result in an instant do not pass go dumping and a public outing.
It’s one thing to try and wake you up to initiate sex. Kisses, cuddles, sweet talk? Sure. It’s another thing to use your sleeping hand for a hand job. That’s gross.
Queer people and kinksters are light years ahead of heterosexual people in educating and talking about consent. Don’t have sex with a sleeping person seems really basic to me.
I would be heartbroken if my (now) husband had approached me at the 5-year mark to say he thought I could potentially be abusive. I'm sorry OP. It's up to you if you want to continue the relationship, but I don't think anyone could fault you for being done.
Just ask her why she chose that color. You need to know for yourself where her mind is at before you deep rooted into this family. If she is obsessed with her son and he’s a mama’s boy then you will have a miserable marriage in the long run.
Okay, let's it's been a week. He's still aware and doing nothing. Is he less of a douche?
The reality is that her partner isn't giving her what she needs. That's a valid reason to break up, no matter what the rest of the relationship is like. If she's communicated it at all, and he's not receptive, that's on him.