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Honestly bro before you throw your relationship away realize that you mutually agreed to do this with her and it didn’t seem like you were telling her you were uncomfortable up until it was done she was just picking up on that you weren’t comfortable.. give her a break it wasn’t her fault nor was it yours give yourself time to heal
In my state 20k doesn't even buy you the land. We know there is a house, that was livable, and we know it's on a half acre. No where in this country is that less than 20k for both. Even if the house itself needed condemned, which is obviously doesn't since he has been living in it.
R u currently paying rent and is it below market rate? He’s entitled to build equity, he made sacrifices+ bought the place, so there’s nothing wrong with u helping him pay his mortgage
Yes, 15 years ago I said I found a celebrity attractive and it is still brought up now. Unfortunately, this has been a recurring theme (the dredging up of old arguments). I was 19 when we started dating. It was a red flag from the beginning but my own self worth at the time meant I was just glad someone was 'into' me. Over time I have felt grateful I ignored the red flags because she is a wonderful person (despite her insecurities) and I do love her but, now, I am realising the problems will keep coming unless something changes and I'm still sacrificing parts of my own life for this marriage.
Thank you so much, this is really helpful. Should I say this as a stand alone kind of thing or in the moment? So the next time she burps very loudly should I say something then or talk to her about it another time?
Sorry but you are in a abusive and controlling relationship.
It is not normal to work your self up into knots about how to phrase things with your partner because you fear and are trying to manage their reaction.
It is 100% normal to look at other people and think god they are attractive. It doesn't mean you are going to jump into bed with them.
Her reaction to the film was so over the top.
Her problems are hers. She needs to take ownership and deal with her self esteem and confidence issues
You need to get into therapy yourself and learn what a healthy relationship looks like.
When you have some sessions under your belt then consider marriage therapy but I think you might be very surprised when your start your own to realise how dysfunctional your relationship is when you take to time to really evaluate it.
Fantasies are normal and healthy. It’s great that you felt comfortable confiding in him and that he was so accepting. My husband and I both have things we like to fantasize/talk about but would never want to actually do. If you’re that uncomfortable you could try bringing it up again and reiterating that it’s just something you watch and don’t have any interest in practicing.
First I want to preface this by saying that everyone is a world, you will encounter MANY people who wont think “it isnt that big of a deal” even though it clearly should be, at least for you. The perfect relationship doesnt exist as it is nearly impossible for two people to be 100% match, the question is if you can be with someone who acts like that when a scary situation happens to you, lack of empathy is something that can be solved but if it is a personality issue it will require WAY more time, so can you stand it while he learns how to properly treat a person who is having a VERY SCARY moment?
Yeah, it’s cruel to his wife, and also cruel to poor Kelly and Steve. Who knows, maybe they have been hoping someone would step forward and offer to be a surrogate, and here comes their asshole friend saying “can you believe my wife said she’d be willing to give you the gift of a family? HAHAHAHAH!!!!”
I thought you were going to tell a tale of you constantly asking him about other women, working yourself up every time he's nice to a waitress, etc. Accusations of multiple affairs. I wasn't expecting you to ask about perfume in your bedroom and get a full-on gaslighting for one simple question.
I'd be very very worried and suspicious if I were you.
He was said either I could do it or he could go back to the event and find someone else. He’d prefer me because he missed me. I obliged because I didn’t want to make him mad, and I didn’t want him to go have sex with another women. If he blackouts he says stuff just to hurt people without it being true. I don’t know how much / what he was drinking.
I felt overwhelmed, vulnerable, and confused at the time and just wanted to keep our call calm.
Overall, everything he did bothered me and I couldn’t tell if he was blackout drunk or not since he kept flipping between implying cheating me and being loyal / missing me. I don’t know how to bring this up to him to ask if he remembers, much less if he cheated, especially if he doesn’t remember.
This is beautiful!???
He's porking her. Install cameras now
Holy shit thank you for the really long comment, taking the time to read and respond so thorougly. I appreciate it a lot!
I do, I love her a lot and would do anything for her, that's why I even said at the end of my post that I don't want people telling me to leave her, that's not even an option.
Really? I never considered it could be circumstances since I went through the same and I'm not as obsessively attached to her as she is to me. But maybe it's a personality thing. And like you said, her best friend in a new school. She struggled to make friends too so for a bit I was her only friend until she managed to branch out. That could be part of it.
Well, we talked about getting married at 18 and spending our lives together before the serious talk about sex had been brought up. So I'm not sure if she did it to bring the marriage in sooner. I did press her about it a bit and I can't remember exactly what she said but it was something along the lines of her being old fashioned and it meaning more if done within marriage. I think it would've been special regardless but in the end I'm glad we waited too because waiting made it better (I think) once it finally happened.
Oh ok, I'm glad to know that's normal. I don't see my friends' partners doing that so I wasn't sure. Sometimes I forget to check my phone and that's when she spams me. If I'm replying consistently she doesn't do it. But she's dealt with it so far and she will have to keep dealing with it, I'm not attached to my phone in fact I'm not a big fan of technology or social media at all, half these apps I only use for her. Putting it on mute is a good idea.
She has other hobbies, it's more like she only does them when I'm not around, because when I'm there she wants to be around me 24/7 and do some of these hobbies together. But sometimes she get bored of them I guess? And would rather read over my shoulder. I don't mind enough to say anything it's just a bit strange.
Shit is it? I shrugged it off because she seemed to sort of play it off as a joke but I only put mutual photos of us as my background now because it's the same thing she has and that indcident made me think she'd do the same thing again if I changed it again. No I'm not mad at all, I thought it was adorable when I saw her doing it. I only included it as an example for the post but I love it.
I'll find a way to bring it up to her. I don't want her friends to get annoyed with her, I think some of them are already. That's true, I'll just take whatever comes. I don't mind her being a housewife if that's what she truly wants, I just want her to do it for herself and not only for me.
Yeah, I saw how much she wanted one and wanted to make her happy. You think I should? Maybe I'll get her one of those kits to make one for valentines day and I'll wear one but make it clear I can't wear it to work and stuff.
I didn't like… concretely think she was cheating on me. But more like wondering if it was projection and checking her phone because I can be paranoid sometimes. I've never shared my location with any of my friends or family so I didn't know it was that common. But it's handy to have I guess if anything happens so I know she's safe. She told me she randomly checks my location sometimes but I do the same so it's ok.
I won't, there's some weird shit on that app I'm not a huge fan. Okay, that's a relief. I'm still not comfortable with it though and I won't do it. She will have to accept that.
Hahaha okay that made me laugh, I'm not planning on ever cheating on her so I think I'm safe.
I really do and I know, it seems a bit silly to complain about things like this I guess but a few things just make me very unnerved and I'm not sure if it's normal. But this has helped a lot 🙂 Eh yeah, that probably contributed to it tbh. If I could do it over I think I'd wait until later to get married, maybe after she finished uni. But idk.
No of course, I'm not reconsidering it and I won't ever leave her, I'm just kind of in limbo right now because I don't know how to act around her after what she said. It — yeah, Tiktok is a problem. I'll see if I can get her to delete it because I really don't like how I think it's negatively influencing her and getting her into weird shit. That's true, I did sign up for a lifetime with her and whatever comes with that.
Communication is important, and others have suggested therapy. I'm feeling more optimistic about things now going forward and will try a combination of those. Thank you again loads for your comment and help, for taking the time to write all this!!
Thank you kind stranger ?
Definitely a red flag, especially if he works around kids ?
Are you ever invited to join her friends or are all your friend groups separate?
I think you should focus your attention into him wanting to see you more. It sounds a little like your crush on him is still alive and well? Am I wrong?
You should listen to the comments on this post. Don’t become a statistic. Your violent and abusive spouse is escalating his behavior and will end up harming and or killing you.
Wow lol this is just so crazy to see how confident men are that we prefer big dicks, or at least as big as we can get until the point of pain, right?
No, not even a little lol. Right up onto the verge of pain is my LIMIT. Not my preference. Small/average dicks alllll the way, and I am prepared to die on this hill.
I’m so sorry, he is verbally and physically abusive and it is escalating. Your life is in danger.
Just a quick suggestion for the practical side of cancelling a wedding, the standard/formal wording for this is “the wedding of [x] and [y], scheduled for [date/time], at [location], will now no longer take place”. Send it by email, get the most gossipy relative you can trust, to circulate the info as well. If you can, make sure his family are emailed, but if you can do so, get a trusted family member on your side to send that email, so that they don't bother you directly.
For the engagement ring, see how much you can sell it for (unless it's a family heirloom) . Normally I suggest to people that they return it, but you need the money.
Good luck, I hope you can find a new place soon.
I was married 20 yrs previously…and know I had the 2 yr glitch and my ex had the 7 yr itch. My fitbit helps track my period…I love it.
OP wrote about her needing a vibrator after I wrote my comment. By her own admission she’s been able to orgasm without a vibrator- though the vibrator facilitates it- so it’s evident that her situation is slightly different than the bfs.
I'll be honest, and have your fiancee talk to his mom or BOTH of you talk to her. There is a possiblity she was misinformed about the whole acceptable Bridal party choices for parents of the couple, OR she was being a brat to the person she was showing (love my mom but she can be venomous in her screwing with people for messing with her SiL). In my area of the south it's not unusual for the mothers to be in cream dresses or suit sets (dress with jacket). Nor is it uncommon to screw with people accusing us of being impolite.
You're not overreacting. You're not a bad daughter. You are a thoughtful, kind, and considerate human being who wanted to do something special for you mother. You're mother is being both callous of your circumstances, and your efforts. If I were you, I would see if I could get any of my money back and cancel, or invite a good friend to go with you instead. After all, your mother said she wouldn't feel good going without your sister.
I'm sorry you're family is acting like this. Just know that it isn't a reflection of you, but them.
UpdateMe!
I am curious about other potential red flags. You say you met his friends, how did they react to you? And did you only meet male friends, or were they there with partners?
Right you are. With all of the advantages us men enjoy, I have no problem with you enjoying your free drinks.
And if these poor guys are really that upset they can easily go get those free drinks they want at their local LGBTQ+ establishment. But they better spend that same hour getting ready that you do 😉
Karmas a bitch. Why are u holding her away from her?
Just know on top of it all, he is equivalently going through a second, male, puberty, and if you know anything about teen boys, it’s that they have a naked time and anger and aggression can factor in.
Be mindful he is in a mentally volatile place from the hormones and make note to be extra mindful and open to him. Don’t react defensive, “I’m not being transphobic!” Is the WRONG way to do this! When he mentions it sit down calmly, and apologize for coming off that way. Validate his feelings. Something like “I didn’t realize I was making you feel that way! I’m so sorry son. Can you explain what I said that was rude so I can make an effort to be more supportive of you, and work to be a better ally?”
As long as you are open and inviting to change, you will get through this. Just don’t get stuck in “I’m not even a little bigoted!” Mindset because that just makes growth harder. We all can be better to eachother and be better ally’s to those different to us. It’s a little humbling to accept we aren’t the best people, but that gives us the ability to be better if we awknoledge it.
You dump his ass. Sure, it hurts now, but it's so much better in the long run. Respect yourself enough to only be in a relationship with someone who loves and respects you. He doesn't feel either one.
Well, he wants to break up. I suggest you move on. Have you got a place to live in?
You don't have to accept it, and if it makes you unhappy, you should.
I say this as a nonmonogamous person. Like, I am consensually in a relationship with two men.
But coerced consent is not consent. If you feel like you have to do this even though you don't want to, you aren't consenting. And believe me, nonconsensual nonmonogamy will fucking wreck your self esteem. Please don't do this to yourself.
There's nothing in this world wrong with wanting sexual and romantic exclusivity in your relationships. Nonmonogamy isn't more open minded, it's just different.
Once you divorce, what happens then? Will your partner be free to return to Italy with her child? Or do you expect her to stay in your country?
Question (may have missed it above) – are his friends single, married, etc?
Not that it makes a HUGE difference (I still think you should have been invited), BUT if it's a bunch of friends who are going solo, he may want to go solo as well.
This being said, after 6 years, I don't understand why you haven't made this a hill for you to die on. I mean, if you were to get married, I assume these people would be invited to your wedding, right?
He tried to feel her up, and she let him but she felt guilty. I was her first and she never had it from anyone else before.
He tried to get her naked, and she let him but she felt guilty…see where this is going?
I'd say my key issue is her not caring enough to help me cook.
Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Check out r/personalfinance
i deserve it. I will be a better person and learn from this. thanks for the input
What you told her you would do, that's it.
Don’t ask reddit for advice tbh. They’ll most likely just say “break up asap”. You should just sit down with his mom and him to talk about this situation, everything can be solve through clear communication. Went thru it and done it. Make sure keep the your voice and his down while communicating and be respectful with his mother choice while letting her know your thought and also his thought.
How do I move forward
That's up to you big dog.
she told me about it as soon as she got back, she told me it was just a kiss and nothing more and she stopped as soon as it happend because she felt awful about it.
If you can handle the overstepping of boundaries, you can sit down, have a clear discussion to reassert those boundaries (don't kiss other people) and then move on from it.
If you can't deal with the overstepping of the boundary, then you end the relationship.
What will never work is holding it over her head or holding a grudge. That'll lead to both of you being miserable, and you'll be an asshole for it.
In a healthy relationship, you always have the choice to stay, and you always have the choice to leave. But you need to communicate your needs and when you want something to change, for better or for worse.
I think personally, I could handle a partner kissing someone else, especially if it were a heat of the moment mistake, but it would absolutely hurt me. I would expect that my partner would hear that I was hurt by their actions, actually hear it and empathize… and then I would expect that they do the work to make amends and show that they are invested in respecting the boundaries we agreed on in the first place.
It sounds like she's trying to do that, and I'd probably accept it after a conversation about “what happened, how it made me feel, and what I want to happen next” but you're not me. You have to decide what's right for you and choose what to do next.
Fourth times the charm ??
Honestly valid, I can't even argue it but the feelings are making it all a bit crap
It’s her sugar daddy.
See in my head I believe this and I do trust him that he won't cheat, but I have the fear that after spending so much time with another person, he will develop feelings and end things with me.
There's this really strange phenomenon with the human memory where we think we remember something correctly but it's just made up by your own memory. It's really interesting because this might be what iss happening to your Bf.
That aside, if he doesn't want to meet your cousin, I think that's perfectly fine. He doesn't need a reason for not wanting to meet her but that's just my opinion.
Uh you don't want to get approached by guys looking for a housekeeper/secretary they can sleep with provided it's all on their terms.
So if you are off-putting to them, that will pay off in the long run.
But I'll bet there's an another factor. It's probably tied to not flirting with subtlety.
You can’t trust him – and you know that he doesn’t actually love you or care about your child. Stop trying to get a bad person back into your life. Focus on your child who actually needs you.
Yep
No that’s the thing. I wanted to post him on my story and for him to do the same but he is super against both. Like it’s not like I’m asking to post a permanent post on either end, just a 24 hour thing