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Okay, then in that case here is my advice.
This post sucks!
Sounds like schizophrenia… delusions of prosecution
If its not easy to talk to your partner then why the hell are you with him??? Please work on yourself and your self esteem to realize you can 100% do better.
Call the police. They will help you safely pack a bag and leave safely. Please be aware that the end of the relationship is where its the most dangerous for the person leaving. Call your parents if you can, a friend, a sibling. Get out but get out safely. Lots of shelters out there that can help
I feel your approach is reasonable. I guess my question would be, why she isn’t out with her friends? LDRs are super difficult, but you can’t give up your entire in-person social life, because you are in a LDR. If you’ve already spent Christmas Eve together, I really see no issue with going out tonight.
However, ultimately my opinion doesn’t matter – her’s does. If she wants you at home and is super upset you don’t want to be there, then that is the issue to tackle. This is who your girlfriend is. She wants to spend all special occasions with you and is upset about you having a social life that doesn’t include her, on those dates. Are you okay with that? Is that something you want to on-line with? Because currently you two have different expectations and that is a recipe for disaster.
I didnt really have many options (I couldnt find a place, I couldnt just go back to my country as it would almost automatically cancel my visa and it was just a no return solution that I couldnt do) so I just try to wait. I was mostly waiting for him to get a job which he should start next year. He offered to help me get an apartment and we will see how things go from there.
Sunk. Cost. Fallacy. Look it up. You're pretty much the poster boy, going by your post.
Buddy, you're in a onesided co-dependency relationship and you've let it happen for the past 8 years. Slowly but surely wittling yourself away to bow to her wishes.
The fact that you mention telling her to use tinder or bumble to meet other folks: in essence telling her to go f. other people and leave you alone is telling.
The fact that she ignores every argument you make for some time to yourself and bulldozers right past your boundaries, your arguments and everything else is telling.
The fact that you can't see that you're her slave in all but wearing the collar is telling.
She doesn't see a problem because her every wish is catered to. Why would she change? For you? Pssh. Nah. She trained you so well you're even scared to leave your original post up in fear of her finding out. That's not only telling, that's a big old neon sign showing you the level of abuse you've allowed to happen to yourself.
Unless you finally stand up for yourself, set some boundaries, hold to them and make sure you have an exit plan and follow that plan, nothing is going to change. You'll be stuck being miserable for the next 40 or 50 years.
That is, unless she finally gets bored of you because you're no challenge anymore and leaves whatever is left of the person you used to be behind in the trash.
He brought up someone he hooked up with in the past once (someone we both knew but it was a one night stand kinda deal and she’s very much irrelevant in our lives) and I was like I don’t really wanna hear about that stuff bc it doesn’t matter. But this feels different as it’s his best friends and they’re around all the time and he allowed/encouraged me to get really close with them too, without telling me:/
Omg, thank you so so much. I love everything you've said. I appreciate you, you've helped me a lot, believe it or not. He's 16 today and he'll not the other 3 will ever know any of my sacrifices on their behalf, it's just parenting, i think. Thank you again, big hugs!
This is why often being friends with an ex doesn't work.
Some people can manage it, some can't. There's no magical guide to make it work.
At the very least you would have to set boundaries with each other. I.e. no flirting.
Phone records have no motive to lie to you. Your wife does.
The most obvious and simple answer is usually the correct one.
>In the future, IF they were to break up
But we aren't talking about the future, we're talking about the “Now”. Now they are together and happy. You can not get involved in their life.
> I am fully aware of the lack of communication on her side
I don't know about your oral communication, but your written communication style is terrible and extremely confusing.
He prefers porn over you. There's nothing you can do about it. Take the L and find someone who actually wants to be with you.
So… when after the wedding are you getting you bachelorette party then? He wouldn’t want your friends to think he forbade you.
A word of caution, he’s already telling you what you should feel with that “it’ll just look like I forbade” it crap. A married couple are supposed to be a team, and what in a healthy relationship would happen would be he would stick by you if the guys said that and respond “look dude it’s weirder having a bachelor party while my pregnant wife is at home than he being upset by that.”
True but can she do any better at that age? That's not even that bad as some others. Unless she dates 25-28, it's probably better to just work it out and learn from each other.
Your ex probably hates you. Leave her the fuck alone. Sorry to say but karma's a bitch. On-line with your choices
So his wife should be a single mother? What does that fix?
So his wife should be a single mother? What does that fix?
I'm pessimistic like the rest of the folks here. The only path toward reconciliation, and tell her that her unwillingness to do any of the following would be a deal breaker, would be for her to quit her job (because the coworker is there), go no contact with kissy boy, and stop playing WoW (or at least transfer servers and change her user name). That would be a starting point. Then it would be individual counseling for both of you followed at some point with couples counseling. That's a long, fucking, rocky road, but some couples have made it. If I were a betting man I would say that she won't want to do one or more of those things, and you should escort her to the sidewalk immediately.
And I need to make a subtle distinction. Those conditions do not represent you issuing her an ultimatum. Instead, she needs to know that taking those actions are the only way that you will have enough peace of mind to start rebuilding trust in her.
you obviously dont know much about childhood abuse and abandonment trauma. not everyone fits in the same box. you are not helpful, i wont engage with you further.
Nope.
I mean, it's easy to see why she didn't tell you. She likes you, she's embarrassed, yada yada yada.
The thing is, all this focus on WHY a liar lies is a complete waste of mental and emotional energy. Results are calculable and they should be the focus.
She has an STD. She didn't tell you this. Both of you were dumb enough to have sex without wrapping it up.
So, why she she didn't tell you doesn't matter. It's got to do with reasons inside her heart and mind that will DEFINITELY come up again. She will DEFINITELY lie to you, by omission or in word, because that's how she's dealing with her problems. She won't even want to, but at some point lying and hiding became how she protects herself, and she won't stop.
And that's giving this the nicest, most benign rationale available.
As for you, for one thing, wrap your dick up when you're having sex, come on, man! You almost got genital herpes which is incredibly painful and incurable. You could have gotten an 18 year obligation. You could have gotten AIDS. I give no fucks about how sexually excited you were. If you can't bother to have safe sex, you're not mature enough to bee having sex at all.
As for your relationship with her, well. She's a liar and an avoider. Her reasons for this are probably from shit in her life, but the behavior isn't going away. The question is, do you think you can deal with the behavior. Do you think it's understandable enough to forgive and continue to deal with. That's the part that's up to you.
How can I get him to understand this has eroded my trust and that this is serious?
“hey I am pulling my money from the shared account and using my personal account only. Now when your friend needs money, you can give it to him without any hassle on my part”…should do the trick.
Thank you for that question!
I think she’s lying. Thinking anything otherwise will probably just hurt you, too. I’m so sorry for your loss.
A lot of great advice. I beseech you to hang in there get the support that everyone needs. Contact with your girlfriends permission her OB/GYN go to some appointments with her and definitely seek immediate counseling, don’t give up. Praying for you and your family. All the support you give to her will be enhanced exponentially as support to your children.
Do you seriously end relationships after ONE bad incident? If everything else is good? A doormat would stay after the second time it happens, the first time it happens it's time to communicate and establish boundaries.