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Good for her
Ok. I tend to be pretty black and white against cheaters BUT YOU WERE BOTH 14.
Tell him this was when you were 14, to stop being bitter and get over it.
Husband needs to go back into therapy and you both need some marriage counseling. Now everything he has done or will do is tainted by this information. You should find a therapist to talk to also just googling it is not enough. Even if you decide to leave him he is their father and you will have contact with him for life. You need to take a breath and seek out professionals not google, Facebook and Twitter.
Some guys just have this obsession with their own autonomy and they resent anything that they think infringes on that. I’m a guy, and I do understand this. But being in a relationship for a while teaches you that you need to compromise sometimes and give up a piece of that autonomy. You can’t have all of your freedom and also be in a giving, loving, adult romantic relationship. There are trade-offs. But sometimes one person compromises, and sometimes the other person does, and sometimes both do. I still think he’s being an asshole about this, but you might have to be the one to compromise this time around, and it might end up being a good thing in the long run if it forces you to confront the trauma lingering after your brother’s assault. Good luck to you.
Some people just aren't compatible. For example, I would feel awful if I couldn't just reach over and touch my partner whenever I wanted. The idea of having to ask to cuddle with my partner sounds terrible to me as well. My partner and I are both touch and quality time-oriented for reference
If that was me, I'd want to be broken up with right away. I can always find another place to online for a couple of weeks and try to make the best of the rest of my time there. But that's just me.
Get the veterinary report, give it to the cops. Your boy needs serious jail time.
Now a better question is why is he interested in far right politics of another country.
In his words; because America is the most powerful country in the world.
It could be. Or it may have been. Or it may will be. I still don't give a damn though ?
Lol what a wild thought process you have.
Guy comes here wondering why his wife is blatantly lying to his face and going back on her word when it comes to how they agreed to raise their son, and you’re here saying she has to lie because if she didn’t, OP would do a victory dance in front of his 10 year old son? Lol you need to get off the internet and experience a bit of the real world.
Boundaries.
You can support her by lending an ear, but make it clear that you cant offer her any of the activites one would define as a relationship. No cuddling, spending the night, cooking for her, sex, etc. You also arent a therapist, and if it begins to feel that way you need to suggest ” I cant offer you what you need, but a therapist specializing in trauma can. I dont know how to help you cipe, but I know they can.”
This sucks. Its co incidental. But at the same time its leaning towards codependency.
Can confirm. Super horny for Adam Driver. ?♀️
Has he ever mentioned what can be done to avoid infidelity?
I would generally agree that cheating is more the result of several factors building up over time. This doesn't mean that there aren't people who are purely selfish, and feel entitled to sex with anyone they want, even when they are in an exclusive/committed relationship. But that people can find themselves in a relationship where they don't understand how relationships work, or where there's poor communication on how they are affected by the actions of their partner, and so they may become vulnerable to flirting from someone else. I've had conversations with people who believed themselves incapable of cheating, that cheating was a deal-breaker…who nevertheless ended up in relationships with sufficient problems that they became the unfaithful partner.
However, there are things people can do in a relationship to avoid those situations from arising. If he believes there's this slow model of infidelity, then surely he should have some ideas on how to avoid this slow burn. He should be sharing that stuff, and working with you to make sure your relationship together is satisfying and enjoyable for both of you.
So, ask him about how to avoid it. If he doesn't know what can be done, I can give you a couple of books that you both should read.
First, After the Affair, by Janis Spring. She's a marriage counselor who wrote book not only for unfaithful partners and hurt partners dealing with infidelity, but also for people who have to support that couple. Spring talks some on the causes of adultery, and what all is involved if both people sincerely want to rebuild the trust and intimacy in their relationship. This book talks specifics about the kinds of problems that can make a person more likely to have an affair, and how to approach a relationship to minimize that chance.
Second, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman and Nan Silver. Gottman did a lot of research on married couples to see how they interact, and how they ended up over time. He found some surprising things, like fighting in a relationship wasn't the sign of doom, but how you fought could be. What he learned applies to any long-term relationship. It really identifies skills (and problems) that are important to know about.
No one’s back tracking. And no, I’m not saying OP is wrong or insinuating that. I deleted the above comment because I agreed with another commenter that it was detracting from OP getting the support she needs.
I also agree with OP’s position in all of this. I just wanted to confirm that the fiancé was aware of the need for a medical abortion, and not just thinking OP was dealing with a normal pregnancy while he’s overseas.
Ex fiancé
Not everyone lies to their partner. Nobody’s perfect, but there’s a difference between screwing up by mistake and consciously choosing to put your wishes ahead of your partner’s on an issue you know really matters to them. You seem to think you should be forgiven because you “only” did this a few times, but a selfish act is not made less selfish because you don’t do it very often. If people broke up with each other every time one of them seriously crossed the other’s boundaries, there’s probably be a lot less shitty toxic relationships in the world. Being single is better than being in a relationship that doesn’t meet your needs on many people’s eyes; it seems like your girlfriend may be one of them.
What you do is be grateful and show her she's special. The universe gives us what our heart desires, even if we don't say the words and you have been doing good, putting the good out and you got good returned. Keep it up! Also, take a bit of it and have some fun! Do something for the both of you together. Reward yourselves! The world certainly won't!
Also I’m asking for advice on how to facilitate a conversation on ending things. I know I dont want to continue this and I also state in my post I do not want him to leave his wife
How would you feel if your daughter was married to a man who was doing what your wife was doing to you? I'm sure if you were a female, the responses would tell you to call the police and leave right away.
So if her husband didn't go bowling she would be happy and things would be great?
” he believes that as long as he's wearing a suit, incorporating a few superhero elements shouldn't be an issue.”
And he is right. And your username checks out, you are incredibly dramatic.
It's not his fault that it happened. And it's not his fault that he's not ready to tell people yet. I was sexually assaulted by my uncle as a child and wasn't able to talk about it to anyone for over 15 years. But when I was able to talk about it I found out it hadn't just been me, he had been doing it to nearly all my cousins including his own kids. It's not my fault that I wasn't ready to talk about it, but talking about it could have potentially stopped him from hurting several more people. We online in a world that makes it very hot for anyone to talk about abuse, but a young boy abused by another man within the family has lots of extra dynamics in our society that make it an even more difficult conversation.
BUT it is not fair to endanger the lives and welfare of current and future children just to avoid questions! Yes, there would have been questions. I'm sure there could have been some excuse made that would satisfy most family members as to why uncle wasn't invited. If the boyfriend wasn't willing to make an excuse to protect the children in his life then he wasn't safe to have around the children. A child's life and safety comes before an adult's comfort, every time. Good for you for making the difficult choice to protect the children in your life now and in the future.
It’s just projection
I'll start by saying you set your relationship boundaries, not other people. That said, as an adult I'd encourage you to view the situation through adult eyes. It's very hot being a parent, especially a single parent, so many people get remarried when a spouse passes away. That doesn't mean they're replacing their former spouse as much as it's often seeking help, love, comfort…It's likely you're step mom and dad weren't trying to replace your mom as much as your dad was hoping she'd give you things he couldn't that maybe your mom brought to the table. I get that it was probably very confusing and upsetting for you but there was likely no malice in either of their actions.
As an adult I think you should be willing to speak with them both and define the boundaries of the relationship you want with them and ask if they're okay with it. As an adult I don't think it's fair to force you to call her mom but perhaps there's something you could call her beyond her first name that reflects the role she's had in your life and would have in your child's life. As an adult she should also be willing to respect boundaries you have with respect to posting things about being your mom that you might find disrespectful to the memory of your actual mom.
I'll share a little personal context here. For good or bad I have a kid with someone who has other kids. I'm not their replacement dad nor have I ever sought to be. Frankly we've reached a point where it's not too strong to say I hate most of her kids. With that said, the objective reality is that I've done far more for them than any of their bio-dads and been considerably better to them than their behavior has justified. In fact, one of her adult kids apologized to me a while back for their behavior because they realized that despite it all I did a lot for all of them that I didn't have too and arguably should not have given how they treated me.
I'm telling you this because before you choose no contact, I hope you'll try to look back on how she treated you. While some “step” parents seek to replace a bio-parent and try to scrub the memory, some just try to be there for and do right by the kid(s), regardless of how they're treated.
This isn’t irrational anger. You’re mad because he’s being selfish with pleasure.