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Found the cheater.
Wow the support I’ve gotten from this has been amazing, thank you so much everyone. I’ve read each and every comment and I think having a conversation with her on this as the first step would be a great start, and then see where it goes from there. It may turn out negatively or positively but I do love her and want to work through this if I can. Again, thank you so much for your advice ?
I know this is exactly what you didn’t want – but it just makes no sense. He’s somehow a great boyfriend in every aspect yet doesn’t give a single shit about your sexual pleasure and uses you like a sex doll. That’s horrendous and incredibly demeaning.
Also, what he said is some bullshit. Even if you didn’t straight up ask but rather said you wished he could eat you out, he should’ve picked up on that immediately and got to it but he heard you and thought to himself “lmao and i care why?” and went to go watch TV.
Don’t know why you’d want to spend your life having terrible sex not because of reasons not in your guys control like health problems and whatnot, but because your significant other just literally does not give a shit about you. You can do better. Please do better.
sorry to hear you're in the situation, but if the baby is yours, you'll have to consider the changes to your life and how to overcome it. but definitely do not sign any documents about the baby's birth until you get the DNA results, since you have doubts about the situation.
in the meantime though, you'll still have to consider the possibility that the baby is yours, meaning that if you wanted to be involved with the medical care and decisions during the pregnancy, then do that as well. and if you don't, then i guess there's no obligation to, but it will be 9 months that you miss out on, if the baby is yours.
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This isn't AITA. You don't need to use the judgements from there.
I'm not sure how you can see a future with someone that you've only met 3 times, especially when he hasn't really shown much interest.
Just ask him straight up what he's looking for.
OP, your. Wife has been on the receiving end of unsatisfactory sex for almost a decade.
You owe her an apology for not going to see a physician about this problem years ago. How are you just discovering some of this information now? I’ve been aware as a woman since about age 18 and let me tell you, if I were your wife, I’d b pissed at you, not laughing.
Apologize to her, go see the doctor and appreciate that she hasn’t cut you off completely.
Just dump the guy. He doesn't trust you and is a momma's boy. This won't change even.
That's exactly the point. You said “say no”, they posted an entire damn sub showing how dangerous it is for women to say no, and that's somehow not the point? Is the point that women should say no, regardless of the consequences to them or their loved ones? Why?
I'm scared to leave because I feel she is too attached to me and this can ruin her
You are not responsible for her, she is supposed to be a grown adult. If she can't function on her own, then that's her problem to deal with, you are not her parent! In fact, she nabbed you when you were 22 and she was 27, if anything, I'd have expected her to mother you. Instead, she smothers you.
I'm also scared to go out there and date, I feel like I have no experience and I will never find another partner ever again
For one, I thought you'd be happy to be alone again. For another, there are a lot of people out there who are mature and independent and can date without swallowing up your whole life.
You actually sound very young and immature for your age – as if she has prevented you from growing up and maturing, just to keep you by her side. I'd get out while the getting is good, and before she can saddle you with an accidental pregnancy. In fact, once you tell her you're moving out, don't have sex with her again, or that might just happen.
This made me pause as well. It really seems like the OP will marry anyone to get away from her family and on someone else's insurance. If she told that to her boyfriend he would for sure run ?
Damn. I met him when I was 2 and he was 40 Now we're married. Yeah you needed to leave him when you hit 19 when you meet him. Are you ok if your daughter at 12 meets a man in his 30's think about it.
Even if you do ask her directly on a date that's better than being ambiguous with your intent. You've been giving mixed signals this whole time, so you need to be decisively romantic. You could offer to cook her dinner & get a decent bottle of wine for the occassion. I do this to impress dates without spending money or being seem with them in public, but getting close to her should be your main objective. Go for drinks at a local bar or do something fun that isn't a walk somewhere. Literally anything but what you've been doing this whole time.
She’s bullshitting You
I want to upvote this more than once
That's not true, my kids and I travel to Mexico all the time. I've never been asked for more than their passports.
Of course he doesn't. Because he isn't interested in something fair, he just wants to sleep with more people and guilt you into letting him. He's probably already cheating.
Please dump this guy. He doesn't respect you, OP. He is just going to continually try pressuring you into things you aren't interested in.
There is nothing to be done. You are way late to this party and ditching your steaming pile of a partner and admitting that you are a steaming pile of a parent probably isn’t even enough at this point.
Right now he has no reason to move out as he's getting all the benefits of a relationship – bar sex, which he prossibly thinks is only a matter of time and persistence – without any of the commitment. He has places to go but they don't provide the comforts that he gets from living with you so he's refusing to consider them.
If you want him out then you are going to have to light a fire under his feet by giving him an official notice to quit in line with the laws where you are. Not only that but you are going to have to be prepaed to enforce it. No “a few extra days/weeks pleeeease!”, when his time is up then he's out and the locks are changed. If you don't then you could end up stuck with him for months. He's a big boy now. He survived before you came along and he'll manage it again.
Yes and it is FROWNED UPON
She literally tried to fuck a guy and it didn't work out. Why would you forgive that?
What sort of thoughts do you have? Are you worried he may be cheating or hurting himself?
You need to tell your wife because this will absolutely come out at some point and since you were the initiator it’s going to look realllll bad for you if you hide it. You’ll look guilty. I have a very hot time believing this is true anyways, so waiting until her friend decides to drop the bomb will not go well.
Also, that is not her “friend.” The fact that she didn’t respond with a “wtf” or telling your wife immediately means she’s a pretty shitty friend. Your wife deserves to know what kind of person this woman is and cut her out of her life.
Read your response to Silva2099 as well and wanted to add that some of us have a harder time remaining calm and stoic in situations. It's not that we are behaving badly ourselves, we are struggling with different upbringings, hormones, experiences, personality traits. Please try not to make her feel vilified or a failure, but supported instead. Because you are obviously in a strong and steady place to do so. I am much more reactive than my husband, and it's taken practice throughout my life to temper that. My daughter is ADHD and I learned extremely quickly that any escalation on my tired part resulted in hers and I had to work smart, not very hot. For example objects got time outs instead of her when she was misbehaving. Two completely different outcomes! Giving her a time out became nuclear in about 5 seconds. Toy time out, instant calm. Part of it is figuring out what works for each individual in your household.
Her clarification is literally just an admission of guilt. She literally just confessed to escalating the situation with sexual contact that he did not want, and that she has known he does not want for some time. Maybe they can work past it, but they can never work through it if OP is sticking her head in the sand and refusing to accept what she did for what it was. How do you possibly work through something like sexually assaulting someone if you are unwilling and unable to see what the core issue is?
Ding ding
Props for caring and not hating. Good job op.
Your use of the word “too” is making me irrationally annoyed and I can’t even finish reading this.
She was so insecure and uncertain of herself, that she let people's voices into her head and wreck a great thing she had going.
Her co-workers were jealous and they wanted to mess with your relationship. The girlfriend didn't have the brains, awareness, or emotional intelligence to realise what her co-workers were doing.
This is really problematic. Unless she opens her eyes, develops a backbone regarding her opinions; this can potentially happen again. It could be a friend or co worker, and it might be anti-vax nonsense, or qanon stuff. It could be a similar situation again.
Unless the GF realises what she did, and tries to deal with her insecurity, and being so easily led. She is a sheep literally, being led by the nose. OP – you won't ever be able to trust her again.
I’m confused. We’re you planning on him paying or something? His reaction seems odd
Like honestly in 90% of cases of monogamous couples who suddenly go to an open relationship its basically a surefire way to absolutely end the relationship. You might as well just go for a divorce then instead of dragging everyone through the pain and complicated emotions of an open relationship. Rather go to couples councelling first
You are married to a cheater and you get everything that comes with it. If you rug sweep this cheating and pretend everything is OK you will be burned. DNA test the children. You didn’t know you were married to a cheater for 10 years until recently. Who is the guy? How long have they been communicating? Where does he live!? How did they meet? Do they meet in person. Have they been physical yet? Phone sex ? Pictures exchanged? Check the phone bill and see how many calls. Take her phone and get the texts recovered. Contact a lawyer as well and see what divorce looks like. Let her know you want a polygraph test. Blow up her nice little existence.
You're 31 and making 140k? You're doing great! Not all of us gals are money-hungry, plenty of women out there who would respect what you bring to the plate, which seems to be thoughtfulness, consideration, and plenty of ambition. I would love to date a guy like that! Keep it up, she doesn't sound like the right fit for you.
lol how on earth could you ever respect a person like this?
I think it's time to let him go. It doesn't seem like he really wants to change.
I believe some types of physical attraction can develop with time and emotional connection. Just depends on your attraction type
Research shows that many women lose their ability to orgasm or lose their libido when they receive a hysterectomy. The uterus contracting plays a really bug role in female arousal and orgasm. Lack of blood flow to the vagina and cervix also leads to lack of libido.
I accidentally left stuff that I need at her house and I need to get it back though, plus I’m not one for breaking up over the phone, I’m thinking of going over there getting my stuff and on the way home telling her that I don’t think I can see her anymore
That’s fair, but how does one compromise for that?
“I understand that you think it was a joke, but that wasn't funny to me and that's not a topic to take lightly, even in a joking manner. I'm gonna work to move past this but please understand that I'm pretty disappointed about what was said, especially in front of all of our friends. In the future, divorce is not a joking matter.”
The third one partially, but general discomfort. As I said, it's not something that unbearable on its own, but it's something that gets the ball rolling and starts the snowball effect. It's not like I'm thinking about her with past guys 24/7, but 24/7 I have a feeling that something is wrong and it makes me feel awful. I just look for a solution for that.
Maybe you should evaluate why you think cheating would make you cool? Because somewhere deep down you feel that way, or else you wouldn’t have pretended to have done it. Even telling that lie shows you have poor enough judgment that your gf should reconsider dating you.
Oh. Wow. Um. Thanks (?) for sharing.
If not creeperman, it will be someone else. And she won't tell you this time. Bail now.
You have to express that to her, simple as that.
He is so fucking lazy. Girl, it's time for a strike. You want satisfaction, get a vibrator as he's clearly not gonna give you any. Cut him off and if he wants anything he can put some fucking effort in. If this has no effect within a month, leave him.
Another thing is he didn’t want us to go to the mall (where he works)one day ??
As the person in this situation that relates to him, therapy. For himself and if you’re comfortable then couples. Something that really helped me not get defensive was using I statements. “I don’t appreciate when I ask for the dishes to be done and they aren’t” for example. “I don’ feel heard when I try to communicate my feelings and I end up feeling unheard as an effect of the shutting down” as opposed to “i dont feel heard by YOU when YOU shut down” etc.