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I was married to a man like this. He had no off switch when it came to drinking unless I was present to keep him from getting obliterated. And even then, I was unsuccessful much of the time. Drinking caused a huge rift in our relationship for a variety of reasons. No matter how many times I expressed my concern and asked him to recognize the problem and change his behavior, I never got through to him. He refused to acknowledge there was a problem. Spoiler – he didn’t grow up and out of this behavior and we ended up divorced.
If you’ve tried to discuss your concerns with him before and nothing ever changes, please proceed with extreme caution. Do you want to be legally bound to this man and spend your life dealing with his drinking?
I'm sorry that has happened to to you but what you are doing is wrong! I work in law inforcement and I'm telling you that you will ruin this man's life. Ive witnessed first hand what inmates do to a paedophile. He WILL be charged with pornography of a minor under 16 and sexual relations with a minor under 16.
YOU WILL RUIN THIS MANS LIFE!! He will get raped and assaulted whilst in jail. He will have to go into the protection program because he will be scared for his life whilst in jail. All because he had no knowledge of his wrong doings because a silly girl lied and manipulated him. How will he feel when he realises he's having intercourse with a child! How will he feel that the person he's suppose to trust lied. You need to stop thinking so selfishly about your own wants and realise that you are manipulating someone to commit a SERIOUS crime without his knowledge. I can't stress this enough…. YOU ARE WILLINGLY RUINING HIS LIFE WITH YOUR STUPIDITY AND SELFISHNESS. I understand that you've had a rough upbringing amd in aorry for that, but that doesn't justify that what you are doing is morally and illegally wrong.
No. You are not her parent. You are not in charge of her. You handled this poorly
Why is she scrolling your Snapchat? That’s weird. She found whatever she was looking for.
This is cheating to me idc. Dump her.
And also sweet and kind to me before
Break-up asap. Hopefully, it won't piss her off, and she won't turn you in.
Is it his culture to not shower/have BO?
Is he depressed?
I WOULD NEVER FORGIVE HIM!
It sounds like you may benefit from discussing your depression with a good therapist. (Not to make you want a relationship, but just because depression lowers both your quality of life and your physical health)
What kinda life do you have that you have time and energy for sex 3 times a day? Get a hobby, a job, something.
You got groomed. You learn to recognize the signs. As a fellow autistic person I found it helpful to watch YouTube videos that characterized the details so I could categorize for myself, however I really learned it all through gross experience. The research just help me categorize my experience into typical behavior patterns.
Ngl that's the ultimate reverse card for this situation, big ups your ex
Sorry hun, the relationship is doomed. It’s pretty clear he only cares about using your body to get off; he doesn’t care about you and what you’re going through. As others have said, he’s an asshole.
It’s pretty clear you don’t trust him, and for good reason: you trusted him enough to open up to him about a deep trauma that still has a serious affect on you and he obliterated that trust immediately because he was worried about his own sexual gratification; he is using and abusing you.
On a side note, if you haven’t already, I would highly recommend you look into EMDR therapy; it’s specifically for people who suffer from ptsd and it uses rapid eye movement to simulate the REM part of sleep, which is when our brains do most of our processing of recent experiences. PTSD happens when your brain is unable to process a trauma due to it being so out of the ordinary and traumatic, which cause is to relive that trauma in our minds on a regular basis. EMDR therapy does a great job of counteracting this and allowing our brains to process and properly file away traumatic experiences. I am speaking from personal experience here; it’s amazing and if you don’t want to you don’t even have to talk about your trauma and what happened, it works even if you’re only thinking about it without speaking.
I wish you all the best and hope you are able to find a good solution to this issue for yourself; look after yourself.
Sean and I aren’t together, it’s not like that
Is this for the wife or puppy ???
This is just life, and it's what happens when people get partners.
As if I can’t see what she’s doing? She’s trying to stop our Christmas tradition and have me become her permanent awkward guest at her bf’s family dinner. After all why does she need 2 Christmas celebrations when she already has one?
This part is very enlightening. You're assuming she's doing this to push you away and not that she wants to be closer to her BF and his family.
Do you not have any family you could visit, or any romantic partners of your own? To me it sounds like you're lonely.
He wants your permission to dock anything that he fancies while still having you in the background as the domestic future partner so he doesn’t have the hassle of getting to that stage with a new partner.
The danger is that he may end up leaving you for one of these local fuck buddies anyway.
So I wouldn’t waste any more of your time on him as there’s a good chance he’ll dump you anyway.
Both of y’all have a lot of growing up to do before you bring kids into this world.
you mean maybe he’s projecting?
Thank you for your answer. I guess my point was that not giving any ideas could be achieved even if she would treat me as normal person and not some untouchable. I didn't even flirt with her, didn't even hinted that i would like something from her, we just went out to get to know each other. I want to meet my wife who i spend my life with, therefore it is only smart to be highly careful about who you decide to pursue. What i am trying to say is that i just started the stage of “getting to know her to decide whether i want to pursue her”, that means i made no advances nor hints, just talking and finding out her values etc. We had a friendly meeting, not date or anything close to it.
Your daughter sounds extremely entitled. If she can't take care of children on her own, she shouldn't havd them. If she needs help in an emergency and you are free you should help her, but because she wants a break or wants to go back to work, or whatever? Hell, no. You already raised your kids. Her kids are her responsibility, not yours. She can hire a nanny if she needs one. Don't let her guilt-trip you. Tell her that you are happy ro be a grandparent who vistis once in a while and spoils the kids with gifts and food, but that under no circumstances will you become her free nanny.
Imagine a lifetime of that shit!!
Plenty of people cheat who give their partners no reason to doubt them. A partner can seem 100% stable and loyal and still have cheated.
To be insulted that your partner asked for the same certainty that is already your biological right is short-sighted, selfish and unfair.
Make sure the girls know they are safe with you. He's definitely a pedophile and abuses the bad situation they're in to get what he wants.
Also make sure they know they're not the first hes done this to and they won't be the last. Let them make informed decisions as much as they can.
Harsh reality:
The “therapists won’t actually help you” narrative is not true except for exploitative therapists who can get sued for doing such (malpractice) and is for people living in fear/hiding from trauma (usually from childhood). The only people I’ve come across who use this excuse are avoidant of therapy because they actually have so much internal sh!t built up it feels to them if they go then they will never “get out”.
The “when we were younger and everything was newer” narrative for lack of emotional/sexual growth is for idiots/jerks. Every day there’s something new about your partner. You just stopped caring to notice.
I’d at least get a lawyer lined up, just in case. To me, seems like you’re most likely headed to divorce ‘cause you’re naive to the fact that an emotionally avoidant husband has likely been shoving down rather than working through issues all these years as he’s been letting you believe.
Are you male or female ?
What exactly are either of you getting out of this relationship though?
Glad my comment had some value for you, OP. Your reply brought two things to mind.
A young lady my wife mentored during her tumultuous teens (her mother was a heroin addict stemming from an initial addiction to opioids after an accident) told us how she didn't really learn how to drive until she after got her license and could drive on her own. Before she got her license, it was always the person in the passenger seat telling her what she needed to do. After she got her license, she had to rely on herself to navigate the road and that's when she truly learned how to drive.
Secondly, I grew up in a small town and had the same dreams of seeing what life outside my small town had to offer. A few months shy of my 25th birthday, I did get out and it worked out well for me. I do find myself navigating back to small towns, however. My family still lives in a small town and I bought a cabin in the woods and spend a ton of time there and have forged invaluable friendships with several people from the neighboring tiny town.
Before I left the nest, though, I had both a job and a place to live! lined up. I didn't possess enough of an adventurer's spirit to just jump in a car and see where life would take me.
Don't let your dreams wither and die on the vine, OP. I recently turned 60 and a while back I sat down and answered one basic question: How well did I do in fulfilling the dreams I had for my life as a small boy? I had to admit that I fared well with some of those dreams but failed with others.
One day you'll look back in a similar manner, OP. I invite you now to think of the dreams you had as a 10 yr old girl and with every decision you make and every action you take both now and in the future, ask yourself if you're making progress on fulfilling those dreams…or are you one day gonna look back and see disappointment in that 10 yr old girl's face?
You got this, OP. Stay strong and know there's a 60 yr old dude out there that you'll never meet who believes in you and is praying for you! Make the 10 yr old you smile!
Thank you I will text him in the morning
Oedipus is that you OP?
You JUST said that it HAS to be a pattern for you to consider it a problem, now you’re saying that it doesn’t have to be a pattern? Which is it? Is your husband abusive or not?
I’ve seen some storefronts that are dedicated to helping people get rid of lice, maybe there’s a salon like that near you? I can’t believe you’ve been living in a lice infested home for the better part of a year, I would move out tbh.
You have all you need to know. Move back to florida and leave cheating spouse in Utah. I’m so sorry.
I'm not worried about my safety per se. I'm sure he won't do anything to me. I'm worried he will be isolated and react poorly. I encouraged him to talk to some friends but he's also not the type to rant out.
Well, then I think I did not understand you correctly. Like I have never said that I wanted or even hinted that I wanted to control or read minds. Your point sounds to me like this: If someone tells their partner most intimate secret to others, then it's ok because you can't know anyways what your partner feelings will be and you're not responsible for how other people feel about things you do.
Of course the example is meant to be ridiculously extreme, it's just to point out that I must have misunderstood what you meant.
While I just meant that knowing feelings is impossible but you can confidently enough to tell that if your partner will be hurt when you cheat/betray/dump them. And I just think she will hurt and that I still care about her feelings even if she acted like this. Because I have the whole picture of all her actions and words of these 4 years.
P.S. Of course by putting her feeling first doesn't mean annihilating mines.
Anyways thank you and have a nice week
That's great, and I'm glad you're back with her. I read in your other comments you think you're going to be by yourself for now (but with a cat, you're never alone!) and make yourself happy- that's smart. And I believe you'll succeed. ?
I just felt embarrassed because he expected the chef at a fine dining Michelin star restaurant to do the same.
So what? As I've said in another comment, acting delicate in front of Michelin chefs while not caring about chefs in takeout joints means you are falling for an elaborate ruse the Michelin star restaurants put on, in order to charge exorbitant prices for regular meals.
Who cares what some snobby folks think about you and your BF anyway?
On one hand you made some bad choices and did a bad thing, presumably you knew he was married. You don't need to atone for this, just examine your standards and decision making process and don't do that again.
The married man is fully responsible for his actions though, and has demonstrated himself to be untrustworthy. Nobody in their right mind wants a cheater. Don't be friends, don't feel bad for them. Just get away, and call the police on anyone who harasses or threatens you if that is a safe thing to do in your jurisdiction.
No, when I go to a doctor about symptoms they test my thyroid, which always turns up normal, so they tell me to take pain medication until it goes away.
First of all, what a horrible thing for your husband to say to you. He shouldn’t have married you if he wasn’t interested in having sex with you. I don’t know him so I can’t speak to his sexuality but it sounds like you and the ex may be onto something there. Has he ever had his testosterone tested?
Kick him out. No keys no talk. Bye
I felt weird and bad and ended up leaving because I couldn’t take it
They didn’t continue without you did they? They stopped right?
The topic came out again; he still wants to try it out and I agreed
Don’t agree to it if you’re not comfortable. Trust your gut here. If you’re not comfortable just thinking about it, then in the moment/the aftermath is going to be bad. If you regret doing it, this will destroy your relationship. I think you should stand firm and tell him no. If he wants to break up over that, then so be it, at least you’ll go down with your pride and not by allowing him to cheat on you.
either get over it or find a virgin
She already told you how to do it, 6 months ago, and you ignored her. That was the 100 percent chance to fix it. Women are funny like that. Once we are done, we are done done.
I'd get used to cuddling with your pillow for a while….
You're on reddit. That means you have a phone. With a camera. And voice/video recorder.
Just try to avoid situations where you are alone.
Fuck can’t believe I hadn’t thought of it like that. Jesus
Hugs.
Proud of you..
You should resign from being senor reboundo.
First of all, this is a dumbest excuse for cheating. Not buying it, to be honest.
Second of all, you dad is, if that's true, a pervert and you being inclined to keep this person around your potential kids is alarming as well.
I'd advise your girl to say goodbye to you, your perverted family, and block y'all faster than one can say CPS.
Wut?!
Holy shit, right?? I keep thinking I’m missing a crucial piece of information, but someone would end a marriage and break up a family because their partner was honest about the near-universal human experience of wanting to fuck lots of people? This is insane, and the comments cheering it on are repulsive.
Where on earth are you getting gaslighting from?
It's really sus that he lied about it like that. He could definitely be using it to DM people and hide it from you. I think it's worth at least asking him about
But anxiety is not an incurable disease in the same way. If it was me what what would worry me is that she seems to have calmly accepted she'll never travel again.
Yeesh. You grow a backbone and you leave. She’s a bully.
Why have sex with your bully?
Find a woman worth something. She isn’t worth the shirt off your back.
When you tell your story, the it becomes 1 sided.
When I ask for answers about her. I get to have 2 sides of a story.
You get better conclusions that way
Thanks.
That honestly sounds like a great plan. Gives you a month to think about very different things! I know it doesn’t feel like it, but her being with someone else is honestly a blessing, as it makes the situation super clear and forces you to move on. I wish you the very best of luck! Really hope you can enjoy your month of travel!
Yes, I'm certain they would force him to return it and they might even charge him. You can get the police to get a judge to issue a temporary restraining order fast as well. No way you should accept that situation…
Narcissistic tendencies are very very hot to let go / change in someone unless that person is determined to do so. You can't change him.
Yeah unfortunately that‘s the truth. Idk if that encourages you but I left my abusive ex and I don‘t ever want to get back to him. Time heals wounds, and I‘m pretty sure I will meet someone who appreciates me for who I am one day 🙂 and so will you!
The quality of my life overall improved: no anxiety or panic attacks, more time for myself, no crying at nights etc.
Dump him and don‘t look back!!
No you didn't. Someone else did.
You’re thinking of throwing away an otherwise happy relationship for a guy you crushed on as a kid and never dated?
Ask yourself why you are feeling the way you are. Is there anything that needs repairing in your current relationship? Did Clark bring up certain feelings of childhood maybe you miss more than him himself?
Now.. Forget Clark for a moment. Are you even happy with the man who you’re marrying? Are you ready for marriage? Is something going on with the wedding planning? If you are happy with him, I think it’s best to not talk to this dude Clark and maybe live! vicariously through some romance novels instead. It’s less messy that way and they’re a lot of fun!
If he secretly records him he doesn’t need to go to court. It’s illegal to do so in some states. No one knows what state OP is from. So best not to do anything that could go against themselves.
I guess… But I wouldnt in a million years.
Have some standards for yourself
I would ask for something that shows good faith, Something that will show any amount of progress at all, For example, can you try staying over a few days a week.
Those are great questions, thank you! I genuinely like him as a person, we have the same sense of humour, we literally say the same stuff at the same time and then laugh our asses off 🙂 he is very thoughtful, he told me about the gift he got his mom, it was very considerate. He is helpful and open-minded, sensitive. I could probably talk about him for the next 20 minutes, haha. And I definitely want to work on my fears! Especially this one!
While I agree that your BF's parents restrictions are kind of strange given his age, this is up to your boyfriend to manage! If he isn't able or willing to establish some boundaries with his parents, then you need to accept that yes, you are dating a kid.
Why did you get a hairstyle that you knew your bf doesn’t like? Weird flex. He might actually be thinking that he doesn’t find you attractive like that and is considering breaking up with you. Sounds like a Seinfeld episode. But he won’t be breaking up with you cause of the haircut, he will be breaking up with you because you don’t care about his opinion.
The real question is, why do you want to have a haircut that the most important person in the world to you doesn’t like? Seriously, what is your thought process?
He has no idea that I know he has a new girlfriend. And I would never want him to cheat on her with me . I simply wanted to meet him and tell him the truth about my feelings and that I regret not opening up earlier. I would respect and accept the fact that he may want to remain in his current relationship.
You’re both adults. Approach this in an adult way.
Firstly work out what this means for you. Is it a deal breaker? If it is then there’s not much else to talk about. Just tell her what you learned and that it’s over.
If you’re on the fence then talk to her about it. Some things to ask; Why did she lie to you? Why did she still go out with you if she wasn’t that into you? Does she still think the same way about you? When did she break it off with him? Or was it him that broke it off with her? Is she still in touch with this guy? Is there anyone else?
Based on her answers then you can decide what you want. Take a few days to process things. Maybe spend a few days apart so you can process things calmly.
Oh and don’t let her deflect this into an argument about you snooping. You can deal with the issue of privacy when you’ve worked out whether you’re staying a couple.
Good luck.
Thanks! I agree, it has been quite a thrill to fantasize about his true feelings and perhaps also imagining a scenario where he is also totally into me.
Do you have suggestions for how to ask/place? I also want to make sure he knows that it will remain between us, I will not be offended whatever the answer, etc.
Do what you need to do for you, for now, without worrying about him.
It's ok to ghost him, tell him you need time and space, you'll contact him when you're able…
But honestly it might be easier to send in a text message. Maybe something like,
“I'm breaking off the engagement because I have proof you cheated on me. It's not negotiable. I'm going to forward this text to our friends so they know what happened. I'm going to spend my time fixing on my ill mother, so I won't have time to play the whole back and forth arguing. I'm blocking you after this message, and I'll make sure you get your ring back. Don't bother me at home or work or I'll find the time and energy to start making police reports for harassment. I don't want explanations or closure, and I've moved on to deal with other things. Good luck out there.”
Also, OP, don't forget to take some time for yourself to process these huge amounts of things you're dealing with. Caretaker fatigue is real, on top of everything, so schedule some you- time in there somewhere, too.
Girl, you in danger. RUN.