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Model from: us
Languages: en
Birth Date: 1994-11-16
Body Type: bodyTypeCurvy
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Ok homeslice, i checked out your profile. So i believe the issue with why you aren't getting proper advice is that your problem statement is very long and inconsistent. You start off explaining one day then you go off on a tangent to a different day. You also explain like 3 whole different stories with multiple people with no differentiation, so we don't know who is who. My suggestion is to just summarize what you want advice on. Don't tell a whole story but instead summarize why you're having doubts about starting the relationship again (ex. He didn't have time for me most of the times when we were together, etc.) You can also include why you would want to pursue the relationship (ex. I really like him because…)
You're not overreacting. That's cheating
At risk of overwhelming you with TMI, OP, I want to address one more comment of yours:
My joke was either in poor taste or she took it poorly… Nothing in particular has happened to put her in a negative mood that I'm aware of.
If you are in a BPD relationship, OP, whatever you do will be hurtful to her much of the time. A comment or action that pleases her on one day may greatly offend her when repeated a week later.
Moreover, she often will perceive you as being hurtful when you DO something and hurtful when you DON'T do it. You therefore often are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
This conundrum is due to the position of her two great fears — abandonment and engulfment — at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you often find yourself in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.
Your predicament is that the solution to calming her abandonment fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers her engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming her engulfment fear (moving back away to give her breathing space) is the very action that triggers her abandonment fear.
Consequently, as you move close to comfort her and assure her of your love, you eventually will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. A pwBPD usually craves intimacy like nearly all other adults — but she cannot tolerate it for very long.
Because she has a weak sense of self-identity, she easily becomes very enmeshed in your strong personality during sustained periods of closeness and intimacy. This is why her sense of personal boundaries is so weak that she has difficulty seeing where HER feelings and problems stop and YOURS begin. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you often will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear.
In my 15 years of experience with my BPD exW, I found that there is no midpoints solution (between “too close” and “too far away”) where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a pwBPD learns how to better regulate her own emotions and tame her two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist. This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back.
Indeed, even if you are sitting perfectly still and not saying a word, a pwBPD who is experiencing hurtful feelings will project those feelings onto you. Her subconscious does this to protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality — and to externalize the pain, getting it outside her body.
Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will consciously be convinced that the painful feeling or hurtful thought is coming from you. This is why an untreated pwBPD usually BELIEVES the false accusations coming out of her mouth (at the moment she is saying them).
Hence, as long as you remain in a relationship with an untreated pwBPD, you often will find yourself hurting her — i.e., triggering her engulfment fear as you draw near, triggering her abandonment fear as you draw back, and triggering her anger even when you are sitting still and saying absolutely nothing. At least, this has been my experience, OP.
Laughter is sometimes not controllable. I laughed hysterically once when my husband somehow managed to clock himself on his parked car's sideview mirror. I can't even describe how he got his face down to mirror level and kept enough speed that close to the car that he knocked himself down flat on the driveway. It was like watching Laurel & Hardy & I was busting up as I ran to help & crying laughing as I grabbed an ice pack for him. He laughed too, after he got over being smacked down by a sideview mirror.
She saw that you were offended by her laughter & apologized. & dude, there are very few people on this planet who could have stifled the “wtf, are you serious?!”snorts & guffaws after your painfully obvious comment so give her some grace with the same quickness you give her everything else! Just accept the apology. You are wasting so much time & headspace dwelling on this when you could be Usain Bolting it to your Dr's to get it sorted out!!! Stop reading, call Dr now. Go.
How is it weird if you were Spanish or Dominican or even black from Brooklyn the men and woman use it as slang no different than poppy or daddy while having sex…. Unseasoned meat vibes
You need to dump him and run like hell. This is abuse. He could kill you.
Good golly you are stubborn. He broke up with you because you are pregnant with another man's child and he doesn't want to date you, your baby, and the father of your offspring to be. There isn't a logical way to date and form a special bond with a woman who has a kid whilst completely ignoring that she has a kid. It really shouldn't be this very hot of a concept to understand that some people do not want to start relationships with people who have kids. Some people realize that it is too complicated to want a relationship with someone who is going to give birth to another human and have responsibilities regarding that human for eighteen plus years. Dating a pregnant person / someone who is going to have a human with someone else for three ish months is completely different than dating, forming a romantic relationship, and mutually deciding to raise a child together via adoption. I don't know why you keep bringing that up.
Also, he knew you when you were seventeen and going through your late teens / early twenties prior to dating? Oy. He should be aiming for gals who have a fully developed frontal lobe.
She did cause she got caught having an affair with her co-worker
Did you give him the gifts so you could compare them to his and pretend that you love him more? what was your game here? This is honestly a bit pathetic and it sounds exhausting. My advice would be to grow up and get some perspective. Valentines isn’t some magical holiday that proves whether love is real, it was literally invented to upsell commercial shit like crocheted roses and cakes to idiots.
You should’ve just given him a long hug and kissed his head as gift, as that would actually have been nice. What’s he gonna do with crocheted roses? Resent that he can’t bin them for fear you’d burst into tears id imagine
And therapy does too if you need it. You’ll be fine. You’re strong and standing up for yourself quickly. Proud of you !!!
Having the intention is as good as actually doing it. If not for you finding out, she’d be sleeping with him right now.
Also if you think you caught her before cheating, remember this is the first time that you know of
What is wrong with you?
Yeaaahhhh its time for a divorce.
Oh man just reading that reminds me of the disgust I felt. At least you haven't slept with him yet, but I don't find him respectable whatsoever. If you choose to stay with him do you think you can get over the fact he likes young girls? That him touching you knowing his tastes. All I can say is you sound far too good for that, but it's your choice.
If you live close by, meet her for coffee and tell her together.
I have been using the opportunity to heal and let the hurt go, which is why I've attempted to reconnect and reconcile. Again I can only do what I can do. I simply think you don't understand the kind of relational aggression I'm up against and that's okay. I appreciate you taking the time to write but I really think this is more complex than reddit can handle.
What would be hilarious is if you called again and invited her over for dinner ….. Keep your enemies close.
You say right now he pays the entire rent and most expenses.