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I’m genuinely curious as to what advice you’re looking for. “Maybe some day” is no guarantee and the statement sounds more like you were trying to put him down gently than agreeing. He’s tried to leave you several times, has cheated on you (most likely not just emotionally) and puts all blame on you for your marriage falling apart. What other action can you seriously take while keeping some of your dignity. YOU DESERVE MORE, and you shouldn’t settle for less. If your marriage doesn’t even have an emotional connection or basic respect, there’s so salvaging it. Stop trying to fix what’s permanently broken and go buy new.
It’s Reddit. I post under diff alliases to maintain anonymity. Either contribute to the post or scroll past it
I don't understand why he'd be lying when you've made clear you'd be not upset. The lying is a worrying thing, because it gives the impression he will lie even to no real benefit.
I did get tested back in April, ironically he said that's when he did it too. He probably got scared by me bringing it up. I never really got an apology.
If the reletionship is over, the healthiest thing you could do is pack all his stuff up for him.
Want to take it one step further?
Hey, I dropped all your belongings off at xyz house. I gave you enough time to pick it up. Its now your problem to deal with.
Your main goal right now is to minimize the break up process. If you have to put in some work to achieve that, so be it.
The sooner you put an end to this phase, the quicker you can get on with your life. Seems like he is trying to drag the process out as much as possible, which is causing you obvious grief.
Have you ever come across an age gap relationship where one partner was literally double the other’s age, but the relationship turned out healthy? Because I haven’t.
He really has you brainwashed if he has you believing you can’t break up because of his mooching. He is a slime ball, kick him to the curb.
I'm fine with raising kids in a city-apartment
Most people would not be ok with this, especially when it's feasible to buy a house.
You want screaming babies and thunderfooted toddlers running through your little apartment, making all of your neighbors miserable? You want your kids to never have a yard? If your goal is to have kids, then yeah it does sound like you're slacking. Some people won't have the chance to buy a home to raise kids in, so no shade to them, but if you can and you just aren't… Idk
I'm all for working less, but if that won't support life goals then it kind of sucks. You're just going to look like an underachiever to other potential partners.
So… how long till you get your papers? You use a ton of words and workarounds to convey one message. “My legal status depends on me staying with my deadbeat husband. Should I tell him I cheated?”
Yes, I'd argue it's emotional infidelity, but even if we don't want to use that term to define it, it's objectively inappropriate.
So you're not crazy about that. But here we are. You told her. How she handles it is on her. As for you and him? It's over. You need to allow yourself to move on. Good luck.
The age gap is strange. A fourteen year gap is large and significant, especially at your age. Realistically – he’s hitting his late 30s, his life should be fairly set and solid. You’re 22, you have a lot to figure out, a lot to experience. There is a power dynamic that can’t be ignored, and typically you would be the victim here, especially considering your start together of being his fan.
We don’t know your relationship, but just as an outsider, I wouldn’t really think highly of a 36 year old dating a 22 year old. I’d wonder why he’s targeting someone so young, why he wouldn’t date someone in the same stage.
And very respectfully, while maybe not the case, older men targeting younger woman might also have an “age cap” in their heads, where you might age out of his preference and he once again seeks a younger woman.
Your relationship might be fine and normal, this is just my speculation.
I mean yeah him being upset by that is unreasonable but he did ask you not to tell him.
For future reference if someone says DONT tell them. Just don’t tell them.
This is what happens when you skip steps. It's late, but you need to backtrack and have the conversations Now.
Does he pay rent. Is he a tenent, or co-owner. Tenants aren't expected to do house repairs, certainly not renovations. Is his housework or rent buying equity in the house? Or is he just renting a room in Your home? What rights does he have. How much say does he get in what gets done. How much if any, is His space.
Money vrs Chores. Who's bringing what to the table. Is he paying more than he feels is his share? Is he a freeloading bum who neither pays bills nor cleans house. Do you want a house husband, a bill paying working partner, or a mix of both?
What is his natural state of “clean” vrs yours?
If you haven't kicked him out yet, move on to:
Inlaws. Expectations regarding end of life care, holiday visits, child rearing help. If tragedy strikes, who's allowed to move in with you under what conditions.
Children. Styles of parenting, abortion, schools, nanny vrs stay at home parent. Who raises the kids if you both die.
Religion. Yes, no, who's. Family obligations re weddings, christenings, etc etc.
Is this house your final home? What about moving for carer advancement. Sell it or rent it out? Is this house a fixerupper as a stepping stone to your dream home? Will he be paying into that one? If you break up, does any equity get returned to him?
You guys need to have many, deep, hours long conversations.
Her emotions ARENT VALID and even her therapists have said so, gtfo.
I did not have any expectations going in, as this is my first relationship. But I guess since I grew around a lot of women who are independent themselves, I could have placed that expectation on her even though she has lived a life dependent on others