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If he's making rape jokes, it sounds to me like you're finding yourself in another abusive relationship. Sadly trauma and abusive history can cause us to not see how the situation we are in currently is abusive. I was in a severe emotionally abusive relationship that ended 9 years ago and then had another somewhat emotionally abusive relationship that lasted 2.5 years and ended in 2019. It wasn't really until this past year that I realized the 2.5 year relationship was abusive. The first one was so severe and malevolent, that i wasn't able to see the other one as abusive because either wasn't as bad and I don't think she was fully conscious of what she was doing. If you've gone through severe trauma of SA and your boyfriend is making jokes about SA, that is abusive. That coupled with the age gap(it isn't an insane age gap but it can play into things) as well as his attitude towards you telling him how you feel about the sleeping with other women situation, I think it all points towards this relationship being toxic for you. It can be very hot to heal while in the midst of a toxic relationship. While you may really care for this person and this person may care for you, definitely spend some time pondering whether this relationship is helping you heal and become a better you and if this is the type of situation you want to be in forever. I spent way too long in relationships that didn't help me and only hindered me. I wish I would have spent more time asking myself what was right for me rather than trying to make things work.
I don't think you did anything wrong. It just sounds like your family is toxic. That's not your fault at all. Don't blame yourself. In time you might find that you're better off without them
I mean, I don't exactly agree. But men have been outsmarting women since the beginning of time so, it's not exactly a baseless claim.
This advise is super passive aggressive which is not being assertive. You don’t control what he does. You control what you do. You can try to have a conversation with him but if he just rejects what you say, it’s a nonstarter. You have to decide if you want to put up with it or not, and act accordingly. You’re young. I’ve been there. So many people get stuck in situations that don’t make them happy because they’re afraid of what might be on the other side. If that is you, learning to be alone and defining what you like and want will help you get into a better relationship next time.
That's even worse. She is still recovering, apparently in some sort of PPD and you wanna just go hang with an ex?
Dude. You wouldn't be ok with this if the roles were reversed.
And yeah, I would divorce my husband if I learned he, without letting me know (not even asking me for permission, just a “hey I'm gonna meet up with x”) met up with an ex partner, especially while I was physically and mentally recovering from the birth of our child. It would be over very fast.
Stop making excuses and digging around for reasons to go.
Lying to you. She doesn’t respect you. She is not over her ex
Careful, people here don't respond to sense and reason well.
I see, yes she in fact is in absolute control. We have different safe words. I make sure we have consent everytime, especially when we are not 100% sober. I understand, yet sometimes it feels like I'm contributing on making her miss him, or by agreeing with the role play, fueling her fantasies about him? Idk really, I'm trying to understand things too and everything seems so complicated
Will take this into mind thanks.
he is emotionally and financially abusing you.
He definitely seems emotionally abusive, but to me, this does not sound like financial abuse. He's not stopping her from having a job or access to an income. In fact, she said in the comments that he wants her to work. The only reason why she isn't working is because she is choosing not to.
He just doesn't want to financially support her. They've been dating for 3 years, and I don't think they're actually married. Not wanting to financially support her doesn't make him abusive.
It's possible that it's not about emotional availability, but rather not being able to form a strong bond in a long distance relationship. At least I know I couldn't do it. He might feel you guys are a match in theory, but the distance between you makes it impossible for him to get fully attached.
It’s possible it’s just that most people can’t do it
Guys with FWB usually have multiple partners. Surely you realize this. I don't see why he would be upset
Is this about you having a scent sensitivity or just not liking ordinary pussy and other human body smells?
Or is this about her where she has a more pronounced or unpleasant scent compared to other women you've been with?
Either can happen, but it definitely changes the framing for this conversation.
If you're cumming in her, this absolutely affects scent (vaginas are not black holes where your semen disappears instantly the moment after you cum, it's still physically there for up to a few days, reacting with her internal environment before being discharged and/or absorbed). So it's a “mutually created” smell, not a hygiene issue. Also, it's on the inside – so a shower won't resolve it. Using condoms, you ejaculating outside, changing your diet, or going to a doctor for any microbiome imbalances (bacterial vaginosis) can help.
I read “My boyfriend won't allow me…” and knew immediately that we were dealing with and insecure, immature, controlling young man. My dear, please, don't let anyone tell you what to do with your kitten.
I think the best way to address it is “I'm sorry if you guys saw something you didn't want to see, but this is precisely why we do not just walk into other people's homes without calling ahead and knocking when you arrive. Me being your son does not exempt you from this. I understand that maybe you were trying to surprise me for my birthday but this was not the way to go about it.” You gotta remember, they arent the wronged party here, you and your boyfriend are. You should be able to bang in your place with the reasonable expectation of privacy. Guests, even family, should knock.
I personally would be super put off by that. Simply because Wev been dating for x amount of time doesn’t mean someone else gets to dicktate (ya like that) when I touch the peen. I decide when I touch a sexual spot and that’s that.
As non threatening as it may be- I would be rather irritated and I would bring it up in a way that showed I was irritated.
Again, this is purely what I would personally do- not advice. Just me.
You grab your fiancés hand while he’s sleeping and put it on your Vagina?
You are more likely to be alone on your birthday if you don’t have a partner. There’s nothing whatsoever offensive about that assumption. If you don’t have a partner, or aren’t regularly spending it with family, then a friend would be the next most-likely option if you wanted company. It sounds like that’s what you were offered. And you repaid the offer with your own insecurity.
I can’t speak to the running commentary comment, but it’s sort of aside from what you posted about. If you’d rather be alone than have that sort of commentary in your life, then isolate yourself from these friends. That’s your call. My guess is that she knows you and knows you actually do want to be in a relationship and she thinks your weight is getting in the way of that objective and is trying to help you. And you’re displacing some of your own frustration with your situation on your friend when, in reality, you could simply have a talk with her about being tactless and how it makes you feel.
Either way, good luck.
But he doesn’t have to have sex with a heavy chick their are plenty of skinny chicks in the world.
How do you react when she brings up these kinds of topics?
That’s the core issue here. If you want her to trust you to support her, then you have to be able to control your behaviour enough that you don’t react to her raising these topics. Until you can do that, she’s not going to be able to discuss these things with you.
Sounds like a cake eater, wants the support, security, comfort you provide, but wants other guys to chase her, or her to chase other guys.
When she said because you gained weight, she wasn't attracted to you anymore… It's her 'Standard', bit where does she get her 'Standards' from?
It seems to me you are the cash cow, an accessory, and when you got a little worn, she wants to keep the cash/security but get a new accessory and do whatever pops into her head at any given time.
And NO, that's not acceptable by anyone's traditional standards, definition of a marrage. No man should put up with that behavior.
I would say she sounds like a spoiled toddler, but toddlers don't have the potential to bring STDs/STIs back to you, to ruin you mentally and financially, to do irreparable damage to your reputation, all of which can, and does, happen.
Keep your family up to date in appropriate terms, same with your work/friends groups. This will minimize the damage she can do at both work and social groups.
If it works out, it was just a bump in the road, nothing to see, people loose interest quickly. If it blows up your ass is somewhat covered…
The best defense is a good offense. Just because you are ready to fight a war doesn't mean you start that war. Sometimes it's just out of your hands…
I have a grand nephew coming into a lot of money (trust fund) so I got him to a lawyer, got his own family trust set up to protect his assets.
Divorces, law suits, whatever, it's simply protecting him.
His mother, grand mother (my sister), their friends group lost their minds! Turns out THEY were counting on a substantial amount of that money going to them/their stuff…
My question was, “What part of HIS money don't you understand?”
You don't have to pull the trigger, but cocking the gun to shake her out of this self-entitled fog is COMPLETELY acceptable.
The problem with an ultimatum is it can go either way, and can you go through with the ultimatum?
It took me YEARS to learn you MUST follow through or it means nothing. No one that knows me now doubts for a second I'll do exactly what I say…
Tell him you'll go alone so he doesn't have to see it. /s
The girlfriend isn't in my class she goes to a different school than we do. And it would be weird if i just went up to her to ask for her email.
Our class is small were only 7 ppl.
If he is commenting on underaged girls, run. Do not let your child around that man. What will happen when your child gets older?
I think this comes down to “she wants freedom” to do what ?
Have friends, sure…
Find new people to date ? hook up with ? a FWB ? …. for these you rethink the relationship.
OUCH
1 she is not having any relations with a student. She isn't considering it either. We are in therapy 2. I'm well aware of that. Thanks!
He didn't say the he never wants kids tho.
The app does not open automatically as far as I know .
None of your business, mate. Keep it to yourself.
And if it is, it is. Better to find out now if that is the case.
I'd go on the date and during it just say, “Hey, I need to let you know”… spill it… and see how it goes.
He may surprise you. He may respond with, “Well, if we're bf/gf I wouldn't want you doing it”, and you can say, “well, if we're bf/gf, I don't NEED to do it, so, I'd stop”. He may not suprise you and just call it a deal breaker. At least you know and can start looking for Mr. Right and not Mr. Right Now.
She was drunk, it could be that just being friendly made him think it was more.
Honestly I’m not sure what you’re getting at. Thanks for the feedback though
Still a lot of internal cracks you need mending. Perhaps internal healing therapy?
I was like you, once.
EVERY time I thinked things like:
I’ll never hug her again, kiss her, sleep & cuddle up next with her, see that beautiful smile
I remembered myself that possibly that beatifull smile that was kissing me on those good times, was cummed on previously the same day.
We people sometimes need to be smacked very hot in the face, and sometimes we need to smack ourselves again and again until we shape up.
Time will pass. Hurt will heal. Life will go on. Youll find better people in your life.
Your mom and you (and perhaps your sister) are the people that get to shine at this celebration.
I’ve gone NC with my absent father. He moved to a different country when I was ten. He’s paid his child support to my mum but my mum and stepdad weren’t emotionally available.
It was years ago, my mum and stepdad showed up for my graduation but my mum complained about it being so long and I think she left two minutes after I received my diploma. She moaned about my middle name not being spelled correctly then went home to drink her nightly bottle of wine and smoke her ciggies.
Looking back I shouldn’t have invited her because it was so uncomfortable to have her there.
Only invite the people you like. X
Your first statement implies that you think only fathers have to pay child support and mothers get off. That’s factually incorrect, hence the downvotes. Or did you try to imply something else?
They absolutely do.
If she makes $60k a year, she can afford her own place. On the other hand, if she is going through hell at home, why cant she move out? Why are you guys together if you cant let her move in with you where you are now? You dont want to help your girlfriend? Is your main goal marriage?
Please don't do it. Women are not that special bro. U young and sound like u haven't had a lot of vagina. Leave this chick if u suck at women, pay for it. Develop character and so you can choose a quality lady. Social media is her man not you. It's unfortunate but that's 80 percent of the women in America. That's how they want it so family cannot flourish.
Please leave!!! I beg you because she is not going to change until later age or she will have resentment and it will destroy u 20 years in the relationship n u will be stuck like how did this happen?
Being alone is required for a strong man to find himself and it is okay.
This is what happens with these kinds of lies. It’s very hot to memorize every little lie you’ve told about innocuous things so the truth starts to slip out. I do think that your current gf is likely finding it nude to trust you generally. I know I would be thinking “if he can lie about something as small as xyz, what else could he be lying about?”
Have you explained to your gf why you started lying about all this? And have you offered up the truths about the lies that you’ve told?