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So your dream in life is to be a deadbeat dad?
Yeah, I mean, everyone does it, right? /s
I guess neither of you took your respective jobs due to financial circumstances? You both chose your jobs freely based on preference?
Then she needs to take responsibility for her choices. She chose her job with that salary. It’s not your job to handle the consequences of her decision. You can try to support her choices to be nice, but she should recognise that it IS kindness and not your duty or responsibility. Especially if all that extra money goes straight to her pocket. Why are you expected to sacrifice your free time so she can earn more money for herself? If all the incomes are joint, then you have to negotiate what kind of jobs you both choose since it impacts both of you.
Only go on a second date if you want every detail of your relationship shared publicly…
Infidelity can sometimes be overcome by working together and rebuilding trust, but I see multiple signs here that indicate it being an unwise choice in your situation:
He didn't tell you himself, you found out. Would he ever have told you if you hadn't stumbled upon his texts? Someone who is remorseful will come clean.
This was not a one-time error in judgment but an ongoing affair. He lied to your face every day while building a relationship with another woman. He woke up every day and chose to cheat on you, all while pretending your relationship was fine.
He blamed his choices on your relationship rather than admitting he did it because he was selfish. Unless he is able to recognize the quality within himself that caused him to cheat instead of blaming external factors, it's entirely possible he will do it again next time he feels there's a justification.
All in all, I don't think there's a path forward that doesn't end in resentment. If he wanted to fix things, he had every opportunity before he got his affair partner pregnant. I would recommend you see an individual therapist and separate for now while you decide what course of action you want to take. How he behaves during that separation will be telling.
What you or I think is cringe doesn’t matter. Pretty sure nobody suggested executing him — but OP gets to not find it attractive.
My husband is a porn addict. He will stop at nothing to get his fix. Local women, escorts, doesn't matter. It's mind-blowing. I wish I'd left when I was younger, but he hid the addiction so well, I had no idea. Think long and very hot before you forge a relationship with an addict.
You have money. Hire a home helper.
Love isn't enough to cover her sins.
If you are her first everything she is likely overcompensating for her lack of experience in dating by pouring all of her attention on you. Since you are her first everything you're the one who has to have the talk with her about establishing healthy boundaries.
It's not fun to be suffocated but most people have been in a relationship where they have either been suffocated or were the suffocator.
A good way to do that is to establish a schedule of when you will be willing to dedicate time to being with her. And then setting the expectation that outside if those hours you may, but more than likely may not be available to her. Them remind her how just like your parents, very likely her oarents were not joined at the hip, and then point out that she likely doesn't have any friends in a healthy relationship where they are joined at the hip.
It might be a painful transition for you, but that's dating she sounds like a nice girl, she just needs guidance. If you have already tried this, and it isn't sticking you may need a trusted friend or even complete stranger to tell her this for you. For some reason, my wife ignores most all advice I give her, unless an unrelated party, friend or family member gives her verbatim the same advice and then it clicks into place for her.
Good luck
I had an age gap in my previous relationship (26 F/51 M). We were together for over 6 years. Now that I'm 37, I can't imagine dating a 26 y/o.
Can you imagine dating a 19 y/o?
You were not different. You were not special to him.
You were groomed and easily manipulated.
You have a wonderful child and 50+ years ahead of you. Do you really want to spend it with this guy?
I'm so sorry. I'm here to talk, non-judgementally, if you need. ??
I’m thinking maybe it’s a culture thing.
Not anymore but she did continue to talk to him initially
son, the only conclusion I can draw from all this is that you need a guardian. You clearly are not capable of exercising good judgment and are easily manipulated. It is a shame to see someone take such utter devistating advantage of someone as she and her friends have done with you.
I was saying, it's great that you sent him a letter apologizing. But that should be the extent of your contact. So now leave him alone.
If he wants to talk to you, he knows how to find you.
Personally, I would inform her. She deserves to make a fully informed decision on whether he's worth staying with.
And, I would want someone to tell me if my partner was cheating on me. As much as it hurts to be told, it's not as painful as being unaware of the cheating and people knowing but not saying something.
I think you should maybe consider your brother doesn't on-line you as much as you think. If he did, he wouldn't have planned his wedding for your graduation date. He has control (along with his fiance) over the wedding date, you don't control graduation. This entire family dynamic is BS.
Your family is wrong. You were lied to and instead of being remorseful your ex brought your family into the situation that they should have never been apart off. Deception and betrayal all the way around!
If she loved you, she would love and appreciate when you’re being vulnerable with her.
My boyfriend has cried in front of me – and I loved him even more after he did. It showed me that he’s truly capable of being vulnerable – and I appreciate it so very much. I love that he’s vulnerable with me – I love that he lets me be a part of his healing – I love that he lets me support him – and I love that hes become comfortable enough to allow me to be a safe space for him.
Someone who loves you will love you in all phases and stages. Not just when things are rosy.
So make it about the baby. Honestly after your explanation of how your dads life played out and what it was like being “the kid who pushed his unhappy parents into marriage” it’s really very hot to argue with that because you’re not happy and neither is she. As stated above, lead her gently but genuinely- your heart is in the right place to put your kid above anyone else and I hope she’s able to see that. There could be a really positive outcome from this.
Right?! Like why are you letting this $30k teacher pay for your meal with you sitting on that much? To me sounds like he has issues, too. Doesn’t sound like a very generous person in general.
If you have recurring, obsessive, unwanted thoughts, you should see a cognitive behavioral therapist about this issue.
I’m guessing he finished and decided the convo wasn’t going where he wanted it to
I think you just need to limit your temptations until you can see a therapist or get into couples counseling
Exactly!! What if she also have a kid around there? Or if he wants kinds and she forgot she's infertile? Time for though decisions..
Reach out and apologize for being such a coward. Admit your failure and ask if she'd still be willing to talk. But let her give you a very hot time if she decides to do so. After all that, if she still wants to talk to you, be understanding and supportive.
I mean if you’re celebrating the day y’all got together I would think that means they’re exclusive
If you are seeing what I see when I read this…yes. This behavior is abusive. There is no suggestion here that he cares about you at all. The silent treatment. The yelling. The accusations. His level of annoyance at what appears to be every interaction you have. You list absolutely no positive qualities about this man whatsoever.
I'm sure he has some…but they come part and parcel with this aggressive, hostile behavior. He's a chocolate cake packed full of green pepper…for me the good could never outweigh the bad. He's shown you who he really is, and you are NOT “too sensitive” or imagining things.
Coming from somebody who has two parents who hate each other, having divorced parents would be a million times better.
You know you are unhappy. You know this isn't going to get better. You are already pretty much a single parent, considering your husband doesn't do anything except things for himself. You might as well make it official.
You're 36 years old. You have been through a marriage and divorce. You are not naive. By now you should be capable of distinguishing whether or not you are compatible with someone.
All this drama about how you broke up when you were 18 is nonsense. I'm sure it was a dramatic, heart wrenching moment. You were young, inexperienced, and it was your first love. He got angry and said a hurtful thing decades ago. So, what? If you can't let it go, you should not have stayed in contact with him. That was your choice.
You chose to get back with him. Now, from your description it sounds like you have absolutely nothing in common. So, why are you together?
Trigger warning: CSA
I am going to tell you an entire chain of events that only my family knows, and law enforcement at certain parts.
My first husband and I had 3 beautiful daughters together. He cheated on me and kicked us out when I was 8 months pregnant with our youngest. We moved across state to my parents. He married his mistress and I got primary custody of the girls. I had my tubes tied because I decided to have no more children.
My second husband realized he was gay and wanted to be a woman. We divorced amicably and remained close friends. His mother gave me $2,000 as a gift, she was mad at her son for leaving me in a trailer while I was looking for an apartment for the girls and I. They were staying with their dad. We did get an apartment with that money and he and I remained such good friends that every year on our “wedding anniversary” he would come down and we would have dinner together (and yes I was the only o e who had his permission to call him he). He later passed away from complications from his diabetes. He was, also, very close to my now husband and we both cry when remembering him.
Then I was engaged for 5 years to someone I thought was a great man who, in the last 6 month of our relationship, SA’d my youngest daughter who was 12 YEARS OLD. When I found out it was because she had told a teacher at school and the school had called CPS and they had called me and had me come in with her and took her to talk to her while they told me what was going on. I was in tears that I had not seen it. That I had not known. When they had finished talking to her I couldn’t stop hugging her. I just held her so tightly as I cried and promised her I would always, ALWAYS keep her safe.
They called him down to the police station and I almost killed him. I went mama bear right then and there. No one touches my babies! They calmed me down and I took my baby home and packed everyone up, called my family, and we all got the hell out of there that night and we never looked back. He went to prison for what he did.
My third husband, and my last, has been my best friend for over 23 years. He’s seen me through all this BS and more. He’s wanted to rip people apart to protect me and my girls. He’s been there for the good times and the bad. He’s been my soulmate this entire time and I never knew it.
My point is that if I went through all of that and still found my person, trust me, you can find yours. He’s out there. You may not find him next month or next year but you’ll find him when you least expect to. Right now, focus on your son and finding who you are again, the rest will fall into place when it’s meant to.
how will I ever love someone good for me?
That’s actually a really insightful question. A therapist might be able to help you understand why you felt drawn to someone you know is bad. I would guess that deep down you don’t feel that you deserve better. Maybe you know it intellectually but some part of you obviously thinks it’s acceptable for someone to treat you this way. But it’s not. Even just the things you describe in your post are awful and I’m sure that’s a small fraction of the awful things he’s done.