My spouse has similar issues,though not as bad. He was coddled. Expected that he would become a doctor and, I dunno, never have to cook? The first thing he cooked for me was an egg he deep fried for 30 min because he didn’t want to get food poisoning.
We’ve had major issues where he has nearly burned down the house because he can’t be responsible to turn off the burners, or sets things on burners. His lack of awareness is astounding.
There are other issues too, though all in all, probably not as bad as your wife.
Therapy would be the way to go and tons of patience and a willingness to teach, if she has a willingness to learn. But the pathways are already formed so learning these skills in adulthood isn’t easy. I recommend checklists and visual cues for her. You have to love everything about her because otherwise this will drive you mad and the destruction will be horrifying. But if she is willing and you are willing then you both just keep at it. She will never function as someone who was brought up with those skills, but she can learn to function anyway, differently.
I recommend lots of food, supplements, and exercise to keep her body healthy because learning new skills and stepping out of the comfort zone is so very hot. Learning basic things like scrubbing the counter can be difficult. Think how many years it takes a small child to learn those skills. They start at 3 or 4, mimicking the adults in their life. By 6 or 7 they can do the thing, though probably poorly. By age 10 they should be fully able to clean a counter, wash dishes, fold laundry, etc. some of it is dexterity, but much of it is practice and developing those pathways. It doens’t seem to be that different in adulthood. My spouse can cook now, though safety is still an issue. We use the rice cooker a lot for soups. It’s really safe. He can clean, but overlooks so many details. He’s the go-to dishwasher, which I appreciate and he’s quite good at getting them clean, but it took years for him to be able to accept gentle criticism about a dish being unclean after washing it. He felt really upset because he had put in all the work and the results didn’t make sense to him.
The lack of grit was truly a big issue and one that I think has been resolved. We’ve been together …12? Years? 13? Or thereabouts. I love him so much. He is kind and loving and eager to grow and change which makes ALL the difference.
If they are in the US, courts are notorious for pinning the wrong guy. The fact that he has been taking care of her could be used to her advantage in court. I can't say I blame him for wanting a paternity test. Again, if she's so confident the child is his, I'm not sure why she'd be so against it.
Do you love your friends more than your boyfriend? It’s not that very hot to stop that affection, it’s really not very hot you just don’t want to do that because you are too selfish
He says he doesn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with me now, and that we should wait until I come back and meanwhile treat each other like actual friends without the kissing and stuff. Why? Because he’s been heartbroken many times and doesn’t want to feel that again, and he wants his relationships to last long and not have a expiration date to say the least.
Well that's suspiciously mature…
We talked about it and agreed to not have that kind of physical contact, and the very next day we ended up making out.
Propose this instead. What ever you both have before the marriage is seperate and yours if you walk away. Whatever is earned during the marriage is joint and to be shared equally.
I asked my husband to marry me and it was a great decision. As long as you’re clear on your goals and you don’t think he will take this as a sign of disrespect re: his boundary on when he thinks marriage is appropriate
Well, since this is the advice sub, my suggestion would be to start when you’re together, and neither of you has anything major going on. Just ask, “Can we talk?” And go from there.
Part of maintaining healthy relationships is being able to have healthy conflicts. You shouldn’t feel afraid to bring something up with a romantic partner if it’s making you feel upset.
Make sure to use non-blaming language that centers your own feelings and reactions. Avoid “always” and “never” language. For example, “I feel rejected when ____” is better than “You always reject me.” You’re trying to communicate how you feel, and it’s up to her to respond from there.
As in I am not in the same country as she is and travelling right now is not an option. I want to make sure there's someone close by as well who will be able to support her physically if this makes sense. I am here for her too.
Your take away is that men over 10 years older are bad? Shouldn’t it be that men who lie and text others are bad? Or that you should consider the advice of others, when EVERYONE is telling you the same thing?
Alright. It is possible that he just wants to fuck around without commitment. I would say that’s likely. But you have only known each other a month. I guess it comes down to what you’re looking for, and if he isn’t looking for commitment but you are, then you need to spend your time elsewhere. I just feel like you’re being pretty sparse on the details, so it’s very hot to make any judgement on my end.
I definitely think you’re smart for NOT moving in with him at this moment. You haven’t been dating him long enough, even the 8 month mark would be too short. I wouldn’t move in with someone unless I dated them at least 2-3 years. But as other people said, it’s generally a good idea to see if you’re compatible to online together before you get married.
(congestion, headaches and cramps = worst combo ever)
sounds absolutely horrible.
As far as him? Talk to him… maybe he doesn't realize there's an issue. Can't know without communication.
Just a simple “hey. can we talk? Why is it me always coming to you and it kinda hurt my feelings that you didn't even show compassion when you knew I was sick. Am I not worth the effort?”. Maybe he'll be like “Shit you're right… what can I do to say I'm sorry?”… maybe he'll be like “And?” and you'll be like “I'm out!”. can't know unless you ask.
Obviously you can break up with him for whatever reason – no matter how small – and you don't need to explain but the fact that he lives surrounded by all your friends, in my mind, negates “ghosting” as you can't really just disappear. You'll see him eventually unless you're going to break up with all your friends as well.
It's sad but your husband is right. Your son chose that life and if you try to intervene it will just strain your relationship with him.
It sucks when this happens. I've lost friends like this to controlling partners (men and women).
My spouse has similar issues,though not as bad. He was coddled. Expected that he would become a doctor and, I dunno, never have to cook? The first thing he cooked for me was an egg he deep fried for 30 min because he didn’t want to get food poisoning.
We’ve had major issues where he has nearly burned down the house because he can’t be responsible to turn off the burners, or sets things on burners. His lack of awareness is astounding.
There are other issues too, though all in all, probably not as bad as your wife.
Therapy would be the way to go and tons of patience and a willingness to teach, if she has a willingness to learn. But the pathways are already formed so learning these skills in adulthood isn’t easy. I recommend checklists and visual cues for her. You have to love everything about her because otherwise this will drive you mad and the destruction will be horrifying. But if she is willing and you are willing then you both just keep at it. She will never function as someone who was brought up with those skills, but she can learn to function anyway, differently.
I recommend lots of food, supplements, and exercise to keep her body healthy because learning new skills and stepping out of the comfort zone is so very hot. Learning basic things like scrubbing the counter can be difficult. Think how many years it takes a small child to learn those skills. They start at 3 or 4, mimicking the adults in their life. By 6 or 7 they can do the thing, though probably poorly. By age 10 they should be fully able to clean a counter, wash dishes, fold laundry, etc. some of it is dexterity, but much of it is practice and developing those pathways. It doens’t seem to be that different in adulthood. My spouse can cook now, though safety is still an issue. We use the rice cooker a lot for soups. It’s really safe. He can clean, but overlooks so many details. He’s the go-to dishwasher, which I appreciate and he’s quite good at getting them clean, but it took years for him to be able to accept gentle criticism about a dish being unclean after washing it. He felt really upset because he had put in all the work and the results didn’t make sense to him.
The lack of grit was truly a big issue and one that I think has been resolved. We’ve been together …12? Years? 13? Or thereabouts. I love him so much. He is kind and loving and eager to grow and change which makes ALL the difference.
Patience is key. As long as she is willing.
If they are in the US, courts are notorious for pinning the wrong guy. The fact that he has been taking care of her could be used to her advantage in court. I can't say I blame him for wanting a paternity test. Again, if she's so confident the child is his, I'm not sure why she'd be so against it.
Do you love your friends more than your boyfriend? It’s not that very hot to stop that affection, it’s really not very hot you just don’t want to do that because you are too selfish
100% Was hoping some dudes would be awake. I figured this would be the female response. I already got that front covered in my very own household lol.
He says he doesn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with me now, and that we should wait until I come back and meanwhile treat each other like actual friends without the kissing and stuff. Why? Because he’s been heartbroken many times and doesn’t want to feel that again, and he wants his relationships to last long and not have a expiration date to say the least.
Well that's suspiciously mature…
We talked about it and agreed to not have that kind of physical contact, and the very next day we ended up making out.
That's more like it.
Propose this instead. What ever you both have before the marriage is seperate and yours if you walk away. Whatever is earned during the marriage is joint and to be shared equally.
My advice on how to deal with this is to get a boyfriend who prioritises you and your feelings.
Break up and walk away. He has zero respect for you and doesn't care about anything but himself and her TITS. Walk away
I asked my husband to marry me and it was a great decision. As long as you’re clear on your goals and you don’t think he will take this as a sign of disrespect re: his boundary on when he thinks marriage is appropriate
It is real. He's sleeping beside me now while i type this
Well, since this is the advice sub, my suggestion would be to start when you’re together, and neither of you has anything major going on. Just ask, “Can we talk?” And go from there.
Part of maintaining healthy relationships is being able to have healthy conflicts. You shouldn’t feel afraid to bring something up with a romantic partner if it’s making you feel upset.
Make sure to use non-blaming language that centers your own feelings and reactions. Avoid “always” and “never” language. For example, “I feel rejected when ____” is better than “You always reject me.” You’re trying to communicate how you feel, and it’s up to her to respond from there.
As in I am not in the same country as she is and travelling right now is not an option. I want to make sure there's someone close by as well who will be able to support her physically if this makes sense. I am here for her too.
Being downvoted for calling out the misogyny, that’s Reddit for you ig
Your take away is that men over 10 years older are bad? Shouldn’t it be that men who lie and text others are bad? Or that you should consider the advice of others, when EVERYONE is telling you the same thing?
Not really sure you learned the lesson.
Alright. It is possible that he just wants to fuck around without commitment. I would say that’s likely. But you have only known each other a month. I guess it comes down to what you’re looking for, and if he isn’t looking for commitment but you are, then you need to spend your time elsewhere. I just feel like you’re being pretty sparse on the details, so it’s very hot to make any judgement on my end.
I definitely think you’re smart for NOT moving in with him at this moment. You haven’t been dating him long enough, even the 8 month mark would be too short. I wouldn’t move in with someone unless I dated them at least 2-3 years. But as other people said, it’s generally a good idea to see if you’re compatible to online together before you get married.
(congestion, headaches and cramps = worst combo ever)
sounds absolutely horrible.
As far as him? Talk to him… maybe he doesn't realize there's an issue. Can't know without communication.
Just a simple “hey. can we talk? Why is it me always coming to you and it kinda hurt my feelings that you didn't even show compassion when you knew I was sick. Am I not worth the effort?”. Maybe he'll be like “Shit you're right… what can I do to say I'm sorry?”… maybe he'll be like “And?” and you'll be like “I'm out!”. can't know unless you ask.
Obviously you can break up with him for whatever reason – no matter how small – and you don't need to explain but the fact that he lives surrounded by all your friends, in my mind, negates “ghosting” as you can't really just disappear. You'll see him eventually unless you're going to break up with all your friends as well.