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Um, well it sucks that you lied (and barely considering your ex clearly was some type of friend) but you're allowed to have a past, bro. Your gf is looney tunes crazy and has basically weaponized her insecurity against you by making you think you've done something wrong. “Trust no one” is a pretty edgelord cheese-dick mentality to live by. I'd understand not trusting hippies but literally no one?!?!
Stop lying though. If she doesn't like the truth, she's more than welcome to leave.
Sit him down. Tell him: I am deeply hurt when you ignore me when I ask you to stop something and it escalates to the point of anger. This is a dealbreaker and it will not be tolerated.
If it happens again. Do not give 15 minutes. As soon as he ignores you. Get up and walk out. Do not say anything. Do not react.
You leave.
Then she’ll have to get her lazy arse off the couch and get a job, and you will be away from her toxic bull shit.
I suggest not partnering up with narcaccists.
Most people who threaten suicide are using it as a manipulation tactic. Even if she follows through, it is not your fault. It sounds like she needs therapy at the very least and you're not qualified to give her the help she needs. Don't let yourself became a prisoner to her because of threats. It's going to be difficult, but in time, you'll realize it was the best decision for you. Good luck with all of this
You must be seeing something in the OP that I’m not. It doesn’t seem like the GF has an issue with being unemployed to me.
Just don’t respond or answer he calls. When you see her on a Friday, tell her that you’ve been too busy to socialise with her. You don’t owe her your time or an explanation. Eventually she’ll move on to someone else.
Thats a good point. Thank you!
I dated a monstrous mentally abusive “ITS THE WAY I AM” and trust me. It will never get better. the only way they improve is when you finally have enough of their shit and leave and they “hopefully” realize they can't do this shit to people anymore. Theyve only assumed you could take it so they let loose.
The amount of joy you're going to experience after this, especially when you find someone who isn't emotionally abusive and is actually fun to date, is immeasurable.
I think you should talk to him about it first. Then go to a different gym if you need to. Some people naturally attract attention to themselves and it's hard not to look, even though you don't mean anything by it or think any certain thing about that person. He may also be using them as a gauge for saying I need to get as fit as her.
That last part is prob wishful thinking, but I would still have a discussion on it. Just once, so he understands how that makes you feel. Jealousy breeds from mistrust, so make sure you talk about trust and what you need.
Agree that the fact you were a safe space for him to express that, and that you could hold that information probably means more than you can know.
I agree with this. Had a similar situation and she wasn’t taking the hint. Had to make it extremely clear that despite good memories, the friendship wasn’t working anymore and it would be best if we changed the relationship.
This 100%. She’s 53 and has never married or lived with anyone. It’s not you, it’s her pattern, and people don’t tend to change.
Dear 23m,
“I noticed a pattern where when I try to share my problems with you, instead of just listening, hearing me and letting me know you heard what I said, you proceed to tell me either I am wrong for feeling the way I do, or trying to repair or fix my feelings. I do not need you to fix me, or my feelings. I just want to be heard. If I want help or advice, I will come to you. But the other day, I just wanted to unload. If you can't do that, please let me know:'
You may want to start finding a therapist as well to provide the support he can't or won't give. This is tricky because it is an ex and he is a lot more hardened to death then you are.
The issue is how he is approaching what you are sharing; not that you are sharing.
Or secure in her relationship
Im not bothering to read everyone's comments. This was me, im now on meds and seeing a counsellor. I thought i could do it alone and i couldnt. Im still a work in progress you need to get her help asap because throwing a baby in the mix will only make it worse. Just doing as shes asks isnt helping, a. D having pregnancy hormones 100%will not be helping. I was a real pyscho in my second pregnancy because my hormones would make me irritated a. D mad for no reason. Please do nit abandon your family when they need ypu the most.
Where I can’t find that?
You’re sweet! Thank you I really appreciate it❤️
She had slept with someone a few weeks after they became exclusive if I can remember correctly from that vast amount of reading
You are very different people than you were at 12, 16, 18? You are going to be different at 25 and 30. You will have different feelings about marriage. Give it time, but not too much time. Always know where he is at, because there are ton of women who spend their 20's in a relationship that did not pan out and are not nervous in their 30's. It is important to know when to give up. Dont fool yourself.
No THE definition IN THE DICTIONARY of a church is a public place of worship. It has become associated with Christianity specifically but LINGUISTICALLY it’s correct
she's not chubby, she's obese and gets frequent headaches and eats fast food constantly. That is drastically unhealthy.
You are in love with being in love. You want a relationship so badly that you are ignoring reality. Your great love cheats, uses you financially, has negatively affected your career, has tried to get you pregnant, insults you, abuses you, and thinks you are a gullible fool. You are not in love. You are in denial. You found out who he is and you are still clinging to a fantasy relationship that is all in your head. You do not need another relationship until you get some therapy to understand why you would take such abuse and call it love. It is hard to have a real relationship with any one until you are able to be true to your self. Will you ever have a relationship that actually fits your ideal? I do not know, but you definitely won’t as long as you are stuck in this nightmare situation. You deserve better.
She sounds like an unbearable hypocrite and she's unwilling to make any compromises. There isn't much you can do with that. You've tried telling her how you feel, and she refuses to self reflect. The couples counselor thing is the last straw I think. She's completely unable to be reasoned with. If she thinks that little of you (or perhaps herself, as she might think you'd do something like conspiring with a therapist because that's something she would do – she sounds very manipulative), I think you should cut your losses and leave her. She doesn't respect you and you deserve a lot better than that.
Gotcha, makes total sense. Than you!
ok but all i can think of is what happens if those youtubers get outed as rapists or pedos or something equally shitty
Are you demisexual, by chance? Demisexuals don't feel any attracktion to people, generally. They develop attraction while forming a strong bond with someone. So no love at first sight.
Help her get professional help. It’s sporadic and yes you’re both young but that’s a lot of stuff going on at once. But remember, you can’t make her.
There’s nothing wrong with keeping yourself healthy, even if it means having to space yourself from others. If she declines needing help and you guys continue to hang out, tell her calmly you’re not okay with how she just — to that person because —. And point out how one SHOULD treat others. She may just realize she needs help. OR she may be completely happy with herself, decline anything and everything and continue to be how she is.
You can bring a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.
Can you trust him? Hell no, and why would you want to either? He’s got nudes from a previous ex (who probably didn’t get a say post-break up) 3 years AFTER, drinks and cheats, and clearly enjoys all of the above. You’ll never be happy with a partner like this, and you deserve more.
Now u/callmemuddled is gonna tell us how therapists should be. Lmao reddit is a joke.
Now u/callmemuddled is gonna tell us how therapists should be. Lmao reddit is a joke.
Just to give you another point of view:
I am an older semester. End of the 1980 ies until 1991 I have been with a French guy. Living with him and his family for about 1,5 years, going on holidays with them, guarding his sick grandma in the mornings, making her food, as she couldn't do that anymore.
I had quite intense talks with his mother, who was a second mother to me really and helped me develop myself according to my character and interest (correcting my French, explaining grammar, making me train vocabulary, giving me books to read that she had already read and found good. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️).
I new his nephews and nieces, his sister, etc. And loved them all.
After 5 years my boyfriend ended our relationship.
Which- for him- was ok. (Not that great a loss). But losing his family also was hard.
His mother made it clear to him, that his next girlfriend- now wife- was welcome to the family.
But that I was like the daughter she had always yearned for but never had. As her own daughter was “dadies girl”, which she could connect with differently than with me.
We kept contact all those years. She calls me regularly three to four times a year.
And same as back then she is and remained a very dear very close friend to me, now nearing her 100 years of age.
Do please consider that people have their own bonds.
She is like a daughter/ sister to them.
Where you should give your invasive brother a good talking to about keeping his paws out of your private love life and choices.
I would adress this at a family meeting. Stating that I feel they should rethink emotionally rehoming your ex gf as an addition to the family alright. But more as a tresured but distant relationship. Who needn't be informed about all events in everybodies private life anymore.
She kind of needs to change place.
As your present girlfriend (and maybe other gfs following her) are entiteled to get their own chance to grow into that family.
Though:
keeping a bit of a distance to ones family in the first time of a relationship seems pretty ok, also.
Where it tends to become weird is if they thought about inviting your ex for Christmas/ Thanksgiving, along with you and your now gf.
Relationships requires a foundation built on trust and communication.
She chose to lie to you, on something very serious, in an attempt for you to panic, when you two are basically friends with benefits.
You leave people who do that on you. People who do that will leave you guessing yourself. She is crying because she was caught lying, not because she feels sorry. She thought she could baby-trap you, and later claim a miscarriage in an attempt to keep you. That's not a sign of love, but abuse and manipulation.
Block her, and leave her. And make this a lesson to remember to put a condom on before sex. You don't want to be a father this early in life.
Your therapist friend is a shitty therapist and sounds like he's of the mindset of “it's not cheating if no feelings are involved”.
He cheated. That's all there is to it.
Absolutely not, A GOOD relationship both people should be able to be open and honest with each other and share duties equally
If your boyfriend has sexist views I don’t think this is going to end well, I think maybe it’s time to consider he’s not the one
There are many men out there who believe in equality and please know that you deserve better
may I ask why you haven't been intimate with one another over the past few months? also, why is it such an issue that he got that itch scratched? you went out with the girls, all dressed up on the town getting all the validation and attention. why is it so bad that he got his needs met? especially, as he isn't cheating on you emotionally. he is just servicing a need. I understand why it may upset you, but can you imagine how upsetting it is for him to be in a sexless relationship with his love and have to watch her get ready and look incredible, only for her to go out where all the single men are with her girls? I think you should talk to him about his wants, needs and desires.. I think you both need to articulate that to each other and see if you align.
Yup. I’m too old to have arguments like this.
I’m queer and have a lot of queer friends and we don’t do this to each other. At best it’s immature and manipulative.
I would have much more respect for ” I just dont feel a spark” than being avoided.
Go for the honesty.
You see before you a complete fabrication of a man. He found out as much as he could to make himself appear to be the ideal of partner you wanted, and played you. You don’t love the real man, you still probably don’t fully realise the scope of who is and what he’s capable of. I do not however, discount your love entirely; it is a real and valuable thing, but it is not meant for him.
You don’t need to be attracted to anyone else to leave your partner, in fact, that’s a terrible idea. Give yourself time to heal, to work out who you are outside of a relationship. Your personality and worth do not need to be tied to whether you’re a half of a couple, and it can be hugely emancipating to discover what your likes and dislikes are without having to constantly compromise what you want to do, to buy, who you spend time with socially, how you decorate you house and more.
When you are in the right place you start to the right kind of person. I’m attracted to kindness, patience, humour and emotional intelligence. The fact it came attached to a very attractive man was a win for me, but I spent a lot of years on my own before I allowed one of my flings to become more serious.
Block him on every social platform, you need to not let him use you again in any manner. A few months from now you will look at him, your skin will recoil and he’ll feel like a stranger.
Be kind to your poor bruised heart, and give it time to heal.
So you need to start by being honest with yourself. He does have a full fledged driving problem. He is an alcoholic. He is lashing out and playing the victim to justify his own behavior to himself. If he isn’t already drinking at work he probably will…
No that was my girlfriend lmao she made an account so she could get in on the action- she knows how much I love her, and some reddit post isn’t going to change that. I was comfortable showing her and she found it funny. No idea what happened to her comment to you though, she didn’t delete it.
yeah man you are okay. stay away from dates. grieve properly. go find a new interest maybe rather than tinder. rock climbing?
Btw, you may want to edit in what you clarified into your main post, because the main post is very misleading to what she actually did.
I'd make a long term plan to leave – not only is he disrespectful and racist, but his sister is too – not really a family I'd want to be a part of.
In one sense, that helps, but it doesn't change anything I said.
In your own words, you don't want to deal with this again. Yet here you are. Dealing with it again.
You are free to ignore his boundary… you're just not free to face the way he decides to react to it.
If you really think he is being unreasonable not wanting you to “stay at your friend's house and get trashed” while there is another dude wandering around… … … please remember to give us an update where you try to explain that whatever happened was a mistake and wasn't your fault because… ALCOHOL!!!!”.
We wait with bated breath and popcorn. ?
totally valid. I suppose the best thing to do is tell him you are uncomfortable with her having access to your home and cat. what would help is if you found someone else to watch the cat so when you go to him you have also solved the cat problem.
I'm too old to understand this shit. But. I've seen grown men throw hissy fits about minor things like this. Worse was over my preference of booze. Like if you can't handle your whiskey, just say so.
Don't ever be in a situation alone with him. You know part of what he is capable of, and if you've ever watched Investigation Discovery, Lifetime, read a newspaper, you suspect what he's capable of. He is dangerous, and any interaction you have with him going forward needs to be done WITH POLICE THERE. Even if you tell him he can pick his crap up from the police department.
Sorry this is happening to you. Just remember you can’t believe anything she says. Listen to the advice here and protect yourself by talking to a lawyer. Shocking how people can turn, as you’re unfortunately finding out.
Dump this loser already.
What Curious penguin said. But I want to add that you write down your list of things that are important to you to discuss so you can't be pushed off topic with an emotional argument. He will probably feel defensive because it's his mom. But if He wants to have you in his life he needs to talk about things with you. This is a 2 yes one no situation not something that just goes on forever with no discussion. I would have been saying, this is my home a lot. My suggestion is to buy the house and move to get honest. No way he comes at me about his laundry because that's something his mother chooses to do. My next question woukd be I am going to assume You do not want to f your mother? No? Well there you go. If I act like your mom you will see me as your mom not your lover. I'm not anyone's mom for a reason.
One is graduating high school next month and the other will be 20 in June. Their dad and I divorced at friends when they were still pretty young and we have a loving, Co parenting relationship. We realized we were better parents than partners and wanted to keep it that way.
I have to be up at 6am tomorrow. Just stressed thinking about it. I am overwhelmed. Just praying to God to help me get out of this mess and be able to continue supporting myself.
Just messaged me a little bit ago to come over and talk. I’ll let you guys know what happens.
Sounds like a wise decision, OP, considering your post history. This guy isn't someone you want to continue being with. Your comment history shows that you've caught him talking to girls before, he's been late before, and he's called you names. You finally just caught him red-handed and now know for absolute sure. So, now you can get your divorce, and he can go fk around all he wants.
He’s just waiting for the perfect moment, you can have a good relationship and respectful one with someone younger than you where that person can seek for advice and if you see them on the streets you can say hello, but to start hanging out and telling that person who’s 15 years younger than you to have a relationship is not a good sign because he already told you he can wait for you to turn 17-18 to finally start asking for nudes and taking a more “aggressive “ approach on how to convince into having a relationship
I really like this and hope OP tries this tac. I also find that at some point the sister may close herself off from being told the officer is a bad guy and this avoids that really well, alongside using her own language to enquire about her plans. Maybe it will make her think or ask questions.
7 years is a long time. I’d bet my money on her wanting to break up but not knowing how to go about it thus the “break” idea. Breaks are a bad idea. There’s nothing you can improve by being apart that you couldn’t also do while staying in a relationship
That’s what got me. It’s one thing to cheat but where the FUCK was that child? I’d be worried what I’d do in this situation.
If the mortgage is in your name but the deeds in both your names, your pretty screwed. She owns half the asset and you own all the debt. Sounds like she’s been screwing with you for a while because there is zero reason this should ever happen. Get a lawyer. Quickly.
Catching the bouquet is a bit of fun, nobody action thinks it mean marriage
Not gonna lie your response made me giggle. I can feel how frustrated you are. I also agree with the other commenters asking what if they never get married. Good luck OP! Hopefully he comes to his senses. Ultimately if he doesn’t want to meet them that much I guess he could always sit this event out.
Tell him that he is to never contact any of your ex’s otherwise you are done with him. I’ve always believed that no one should discuss details of previous relationships. “You can’t handle the truth!” always comes to mind.
I'd hope she's already tried that, but what cheater has ever listened to that advice? Zoe should have better standards for her own friendships. If they'll cheat on their husband what makes you think they won't burn you too?
Why are you investing time into her?
Be 'that's girl if you want to and enjoy Jake's company. You listed some positive qualities that appear to not be found in the other frat bros. .
If you like Jake, date him. Don't let others tell you who you can/cannot date.
Honestly, I think it is because because she asked her younger brother to walk her down the aisle and not my husband, her older brother. My HB feels like he is an afterthought to his family until they need something from him, then he is their best friend, this is something that the two of them have talked about before. He doesn't know that their younger brother is walking her down the aisle yet, and I think she is thinking that having me in the wedding will make this up to him.
Girl, I hate to break it to you, but he’s definitely with her right now. Time to cut ties and send his ass on down river. You don’t need him, you can find a partner that treats you with respect and love. Do yourself a favor and block his ass, don’t let him come back when he decides to resurface.
May want to ask why he felt the need to see a sex worker in the 1st place. Then ask why he thought it was an acceptable idea to hide it.
I don’t think she has depression. I’m not sure about social anxiety. She’s a bit more extroverted than me though.
You bit her and she slapped you. Why are you doubling down on this and making it her fault when you were the one who escalated?
Maybe you should dial back on the play fighting for a bit.
This is childish of her. If she doesn’t like men who play video games, then she shouldn’t date men who play them! But there’s nothing wrong with video games as a hobby as long as you’re not throwing hours a day into playing and it’s not affecting your work life, relationships, or responsibilities negatively. Its no different than reading, doing crosswords, playing and instrument in your spare time. I’m 30F and I happen to love playing video games (logged almost 400 hours playing Witcher 3 back in the day) even though I don’t play that often anymore. I will happily spend quality time with my BF on the couch “assisting” while he plays Elden Ring or Sekiro because while he’s playing we’re talking and bonding and basically working on a puzzle together. What your GF did was out of line – tell her to use her words next time if she has something to say and if she still gives you attitude every time you pick up the controller then it might be time to break up.
This makes me see him differently and feel almost disrespected. If he doesn’t love me, why is he in my life? How should I confront this issue?
Oh my god, talk about an over reaction, he is just not ready yet woman. You sound incredibly insecure and unhinged.
Would you like to know if it was you?
And she's a fool.
I'm just going to say from the sounds of your story, it sound like your husband is gaslighting you. Not being comfortable with a significant other going to strip clubs is a completely reasonable and understandable boundary, it doesn't even have to correlate with insecurity. Honestly, I get really put off by people that are okay with going to places like that, but that's just my boundary. But it's times like these that really count in a relationship. When you bring up your sincere feelings is he always going to dismiss them?