I don't see any problem here. Don't do anything, she's probably not interested but if she is then if she'll make a move despite you being married then you should firmly state that it's not an option.
(+no happily married man I know wonders so much/freaks out about what a cute coworker of theirs is up to, they simply don't care, just something to think about)
I had a childhood “associate “ M was a real wild child, he met and married a very religious, very sheltered woman. M was a natural chameleon, had no real personal moral code, but made most decisions based on how she would perceive him. Essentially the only thing in the world M feared was her opinion of him being lowered. She thought he was the greatest thing, M needed that “hero worship “ . He was of course an extreme example of this. Perhaps your SO has a bit of this.
Work through your issues separately and once that's done you can think of rekindling your relationship. But do not go back together for the sake of your child. It does more harm than good.
I probably should have mentioned that I was close to her college a couple weeks ago, and I visited her there. During that time, we held hands, and I kissed her, which she seemed to really like.
I’m not saying that’s much at all, but she still seems open to physical affection, at least when I’m around. Like you said, though, I think it’s time for me to do what’s best for me.
I’m choosing to believe that he’s just completely clueless ?
I think it's entirely possible that some, or even a lot, of this is flying over his head. But I don't think it's even remotely in the realm of possibility that all of it has flown over his head. There is no chance he's not at least dimly aware she is throwing herself at him. He may not notice every single instance of it but there's no way he's failed to notice all of them.
My thing is honestly that is this a matter of a male vs female perspective? Because after speaking to one of my homegirls, it seems like because I have a female mindset I am more aware of her behavior but for him it’s like he needs concrete proof in order to act on the situation. Like is what I mentioned not enough evidence to prove that she likes him?
I think proving that she likes him to the degree that you'd need to make that argument is both impossible and not necessary. You don't have to prove she likes him, you just have to prove you're not comfortable with this, which you can do by just saying “hey I'm not comfortable with this.” If he asks for reasons why then you have plenty, but a good boyfriend would work off of “I'm not comfortable with this” and start setting some professional boundaries.
I think the reason he hasn't is less because he's secretly in to her (he may enjoy the attention but that's not quite the same thing) and more because they were already friends and he doesn't want to make their friendship weird by enforcing proper workplace behavior. But he has to, because you just can't act like this with your boss.
THIS is gaslighting. An actual real example of gaslighting.
(Sorry, had to make the disclaimer since everything nowadays is “gaslighting”).
That said, uh uh. No ma'am. You're not going to let this man make you think you're crazy, then call you crazy, and get away with it. Find you a man that doesn't cheat, lie, and call you names.
I read in your post history where you say you're eligible for disability but you refuse to get on it. I don't understand why.
We all pay into that so people who need it, can be helped. Let it help you. You said something about having kids; let it help them. Unless something about being on disability puts you at further risk, you not accepting it is accomplishing what? Any assistance available to you – you take it. It's going to be of better use to you than the tone police on Reddit.
I’m appalled that you didn’t break up with her after she demanded sex and then claimed she didn’t want sex. She is a walking red flag who will cry rape and ruin your life.
You are responsible for managing your own feelings. Full stop.
She is not yours to offload your negative feelings on.
It is not her job to soothe your temper.
She is not meant to absorb the impact of the negative emotions you feel around others, but only let out in her presence.
She is not your dumping ground.
“Grumpy” sure sounds like you’re underplaying your role in this. Also, if she’s making bids to improve the situation and you’re not meeting her ready to work on it UNTIL she’s halfway out the door, you’ve probably sealed your fate.
Signed, a woman who was the emotional punching bag for an abusive man for 12 years.
Why ask for feedback? The only thing is going to do is hurt you. Just try to learn from it and move on. Maybe you just didn't click or maybe he didn't think you were attractive or maybe just found someone else. Don't think too much about it. People have bad dates
I'd rather not play the change the genders game because I'm 99% convinced if OP were a woman whose husband did this exact same thing
-started going to the gym more regularly when they had a child to care for -being distant in regards to sex while she makes efforts to be sexy
-started talking to her about another woman who shares his interests
-accepting romance novel gifts from this woman
-went out drinking with said woman alone
-only told her after the fact they went out alone
Then comments would NOT be saying “Ehhh he may or may not be cheating, probably not though. But the bigger problem is you don't do enough cooking/chores for him or make him feel romantic enough! She's just a work friend who likes talking to him about philosophy and history, why don't you get involved in his hobbies? You don't deserve him and all the things he did for you, you only care about sex. He said there's nothing going on and it's not like he'd have any reason to lie if there were. Learn how to cook for him like a partner, learn about his interests, make his life easier and maybe he'd be more interested in sex with you since it's all you seem to care about. ”
If OP's wife were also attracted to women then yes the possibility of cheating would still be there (I know a lot of people wouldn't consider that, not a lot of people remember bisexual people even exist). Also you say not to speculate about chores but that seems to be what everyone else in the comments is focusing on, OP didn't even initially bring it up.
I run one and I would terminate an employee over that kind of immature behavior.
I don't see any problem here. Don't do anything, she's probably not interested but if she is then if she'll make a move despite you being married then you should firmly state that it's not an option.
(+no happily married man I know wonders so much/freaks out about what a cute coworker of theirs is up to, they simply don't care, just something to think about)
I had a childhood “associate “ M was a real wild child, he met and married a very religious, very sheltered woman. M was a natural chameleon, had no real personal moral code, but made most decisions based on how she would perceive him. Essentially the only thing in the world M feared was her opinion of him being lowered. She thought he was the greatest thing, M needed that “hero worship “ . He was of course an extreme example of this. Perhaps your SO has a bit of this.
Haha, this was funny.
Work through your issues separately and once that's done you can think of rekindling your relationship. But do not go back together for the sake of your child. It does more harm than good.
I probably should have mentioned that I was close to her college a couple weeks ago, and I visited her there. During that time, we held hands, and I kissed her, which she seemed to really like.
I’m not saying that’s much at all, but she still seems open to physical affection, at least when I’m around. Like you said, though, I think it’s time for me to do what’s best for me.
I’m choosing to believe that he’s just completely clueless ?
I think it's entirely possible that some, or even a lot, of this is flying over his head. But I don't think it's even remotely in the realm of possibility that all of it has flown over his head. There is no chance he's not at least dimly aware she is throwing herself at him. He may not notice every single instance of it but there's no way he's failed to notice all of them.
My thing is honestly that is this a matter of a male vs female perspective? Because after speaking to one of my homegirls, it seems like because I have a female mindset I am more aware of her behavior but for him it’s like he needs concrete proof in order to act on the situation. Like is what I mentioned not enough evidence to prove that she likes him?
I think proving that she likes him to the degree that you'd need to make that argument is both impossible and not necessary. You don't have to prove she likes him, you just have to prove you're not comfortable with this, which you can do by just saying “hey I'm not comfortable with this.” If he asks for reasons why then you have plenty, but a good boyfriend would work off of “I'm not comfortable with this” and start setting some professional boundaries.
I think the reason he hasn't is less because he's secretly in to her (he may enjoy the attention but that's not quite the same thing) and more because they were already friends and he doesn't want to make their friendship weird by enforcing proper workplace behavior. But he has to, because you just can't act like this with your boss.
I agree with most commenters to just say “no thank you”. Don't give any reasoning. He doesn't need any.
Reddit:
THIS is gaslighting. An actual real example of gaslighting.
(Sorry, had to make the disclaimer since everything nowadays is “gaslighting”).
That said, uh uh. No ma'am. You're not going to let this man make you think you're crazy, then call you crazy, and get away with it. Find you a man that doesn't cheat, lie, and call you names.
Also, have you all tried anything like Viagra or Cialis/anything similar to see if that helps him?
I read in your post history where you say you're eligible for disability but you refuse to get on it. I don't understand why.
We all pay into that so people who need it, can be helped. Let it help you. You said something about having kids; let it help them. Unless something about being on disability puts you at further risk, you not accepting it is accomplishing what? Any assistance available to you – you take it. It's going to be of better use to you than the tone police on Reddit.
Girl are you twelve? Grow tf up and get some therapy. You sound like a whiny preteen
What’s the relationship advice you’re looking for? How did she respond to you telling her this?
I’m appalled that you didn’t break up with her after she demanded sex and then claimed she didn’t want sex. She is a walking red flag who will cry rape and ruin your life.
You are responsible for managing your own feelings. Full stop.
She is not yours to offload your negative feelings on.
It is not her job to soothe your temper.
She is not meant to absorb the impact of the negative emotions you feel around others, but only let out in her presence.
She is not your dumping ground.
“Grumpy” sure sounds like you’re underplaying your role in this. Also, if she’s making bids to improve the situation and you’re not meeting her ready to work on it UNTIL she’s halfway out the door, you’ve probably sealed your fate.
Signed, a woman who was the emotional punching bag for an abusive man for 12 years.
This is why people lie…
Maybe you could try to fulfill some of the things he “missed” out on.
Why ask for feedback? The only thing is going to do is hurt you. Just try to learn from it and move on. Maybe you just didn't click or maybe he didn't think you were attractive or maybe just found someone else. Don't think too much about it. People have bad dates
I'd rather not play the change the genders game because I'm 99% convinced if OP were a woman whose husband did this exact same thing
-started going to the gym more regularly when they had a child to care for -being distant in regards to sex while she makes efforts to be sexy
-started talking to her about another woman who shares his interests
-accepting romance novel gifts from this woman
-went out drinking with said woman alone
-only told her after the fact they went out alone
Then comments would NOT be saying “Ehhh he may or may not be cheating, probably not though. But the bigger problem is you don't do enough cooking/chores for him or make him feel romantic enough! She's just a work friend who likes talking to him about philosophy and history, why don't you get involved in his hobbies? You don't deserve him and all the things he did for you, you only care about sex. He said there's nothing going on and it's not like he'd have any reason to lie if there were. Learn how to cook for him like a partner, learn about his interests, make his life easier and maybe he'd be more interested in sex with you since it's all you seem to care about. ”
If OP's wife were also attracted to women then yes the possibility of cheating would still be there (I know a lot of people wouldn't consider that, not a lot of people remember bisexual people even exist). Also you say not to speculate about chores but that seems to be what everyone else in the comments is focusing on, OP didn't even initially bring it up.