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Well… you snooped…and found out.
Doesn't look good ideal IMO.
But my stab at it this…
Seeing how they have a long history and they've clearly exchanged flirtatious behavior.
They're a “what if” crush that was never acted on. This is beyond a platonic friendship.
Worth a confrontation and reletionship reevaluation.
IT IS NOT FUCKING ABOUT YOU! You don’t “get that message across” at all! You change your behaviour for yourself and wait until you can show your daughter you are different. You cannot force on her that you’ve changed. You also need to accept that the damage and trust maybe gone and no matter what you do to change your daughter will never unite with you because of your past behaviour. You may never be able to “get the message across” any change you do you need to do for yourself.
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More like size 00 ?
Nothing about this post suggests your current BF is someone you should be with. I have no clue what you want us to do with this.
Good for you, I hope its smooth sailing from now on. That is too scary a thing for someone to be saying about you to other people.
Also jokes are meant to be funny. I personally think she was doing it for some weird sort of attention. Because presumably she's not stupid, and literally knows there's nothing jokey or funny about it and I'm guessing nobody was laughing when she said. Like, what about that is a joke at all?
She called it a joke to downplay something she said that is actually kind of mental. She should have learned from the first time that she was causing bother and it wasn't a good thing to say, and that nobody liked being on either end of her saying it. Honestly that she then went and did it again, just says you're a dodging a very very big bullet.
Here's a thought – everyone will age. Even if he chooses a 20 year old girl she will eventually be >30 years old. Fuck that noise, setting OP up to be afraid of what will happen to every. Single. Human.
If this is a real post…an abortion ensures OP isn't chained to her creepy pedo ex for the next 18 years (at minimum). Otherwise their kid and their friends would be in danger and no trust would ever be established, no cordial co-parenting. I agree, a kid with this guy is a mistake.
Why? I'm neither; I can just empathise with the devastation that must come with finding out the child you love, that you've been raising as your own is the result of your partner betraying you, and was never biologically yours. I know there's an argument that DNA shouldn't matter, but I think the deception must be heartbreaking.
Please take a deep breath because I'm going to ask you to do something large.
It is time that you reframed what is happening here.
YOU HAVE OUTGROWN HIM.
So what if he has 'logical' arguments? So what.
Anyone who actually is very smart will listen to your opinions and value your feedback. He is incapable of doing this.
Anyone who actually is very smart does not feel the need to belittle others because they realize that people are complex and that everyone brings something different to the table.
Someone who is smart does not spend ANY time comparing their partner to others because they realize that everyone has different backgrounds and starting points.
Someone who truly is intelligent doesn't feel the need to argue and jab at you to make you feel LESS THAN.
Your partner has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old child.
He's so crappy at social imteraction that you need to give one word answers to his questions just to MAKE HIM STOP.
You have to realize that being 'logical' is often used like the phrase “I'm just being honest” as a way to be mean to other people.
My background is in technical work and the sciences. I am often told I am very logical… but I am smart enough not to treat my partner poorly.
He doesn't want an equal partner. He needs to feel superior to you.
You're way more mature than he is.
Time to just tell him you are done and walk away. He will get upset and cause you problems because his inferior partner cannot possibly consider him to 'not be enough'.
If you are not yet sure, find an excuse to go stay in a hotel or AirBnB or family for a week. Make up an excuse like a sick person or work.
I will bet that in one week all you will feel is RELIEF that he isn't around.
because usually when you’re in a relationship you usually look up their autonomy to just be more informed about them and the possible issues that could happen
You've more imprudent things to worry about than worrying about a man. He's not helping you get back on your feet, so cut him loose. Be single and get yourself together.
Get divorced and then date if that's what you need.
So he says highly racist things, lovebombs his way into being forgiven, and then does it again?
Maybe one or two of these instances could come from unexamined biases or missteps, but this is a pattern, and it's a pattern of him being disrespectful to you.
There are other guys out there who are not racist. You do not need to stay and try and make it work with this dude.
Look at it this way: you're barely able to forgive him for saying this kind of thing around you… how will you feel if he says it to your potential future kids??
Why not wait a few years? Casually date for another two or three years, and then see how you feel. As someone who's also twenty, we do NOT have it figured out. I would be hesitant too. But if he continues to be the model boyfriend after the honeymoon phase is over, you'll know it wasn't an act. Just take your time. There's no deadline. And don't rely on him financially, or move in with him, until you're absolutely certain of his intentions. Because that's when good men turn out to be not so good men very quickly.
Get a lawyer and 2 DNA tests.
Thank you, I was able to confirm he was here alone all weekend with some help, but after checking the condom wrapper again it is still wet deeper in the wrapper
This is an open relationship not poly, and you’re the girlfriend not the wide. It’s not the other way around so don’t get it twisted. Leave them and start fresh, this won’t end well for you emotionally.
I mean that's a big assumption. I would not assume that
I would be surprised if he didn't already know he ruined your birthday… I would be telling him, “you purposely were unkind and spiteful to me. You treated me like garbage for my birthday. I deserve better than that and I need some space to think about if I want to be in this relationship or not.” Take a few days and contemplate if this is how you want your partner to treat you.
Yeah, if they have a past of murder and animal abuse maybe. But someone having health relationships before meeting you is not something to get stuck on.
I agree- I completely understand it’s not desirable as a whole, I just think you HAVE to take context into account, especially when only a small group of people feel AS strongly about it as she does. I avoid using it as a whole.
PPPD then.
He may not be comfortable with that, and mentioning that in passing may not be enough, you may have to explicitly say: “I want you to initiate sex while I'm asleep”.
This definitely isn't manipulative but I can understand why it might feel that way from her position. That being said, she doesn't get to force you to have sex with her if you prefer to save a sexual relationship for someone with commitment potential. It's your body, your choice, and wanting to only be intimate with someone you're committed with is well within societal norms.
This would be the equivalent of someone getting upset with their partner for having a low sex drive, but not taking on the mental workload of taking care of the home, and thag low libido partner being too exhausted from housework.
Tell her her shoes are making her feet stink and offer to go buy her a new pair. Shoes wear out quick when you're on them sweating and no amount of washing them makes the stink totally go away
I’m sorry your very first day of college was high jacked by this creep.
>I'm asian, she's black, we live in California.
Racism… in California? Get new friends ASAP. This might (*MIGHT*) be acceptable if you were in the Deep South, or living in someplace like India. California – racism… nope!
Your friends are on you.
So you met one woman irl that had a bizarre opinion and you are now basing an entire argument on this?
Cool, I can join the game: A adult man irl once told me to my face that educated women are against nature because women are just created to make children and our brain can’t handle education. So you tell me there aren’t men out there believing that. Just curious, do you go around telling men that they are bizarre and misogynistic for thinking women are lesser than them?
Maybe this is unpopular opinion and I'll get downvoted into oblivion but why shouldn't you be upset about this? Of course nobody owes anyone anything they don't want to do in the bedroom but I think it's fair to say a good partner should want their partner to enjoy sex with them. If you had the big O before him and then just rolled over do you think he'd feel hunky dory about it? Probably not.
There is this ridiculous standard that still exists in cis-hetero relationships that of course the cis-male gets to cum and the cis-woman cumming is more a bonus and frankly I'm tired of it. We should all be tired of it. There's really no good excuse to not at least trying to help your partner finish.
You have no reason to feel guilty nor anything else for this man. You daughter needs you to be healthy. If you keep getting sucked back into his crap you will be harming your daughter. Remove yourself as his medical contact, it’s not your job. As for the ex-wife she is not your job or responsibility either. There is no longer a reason to speak to her.